Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Bimini Blues

It would appear that Bimini isn't a place of relaxation or fun if you happen to be a member of the Real Housewives of Miami. Nope, instead it happens to be a place of arguments, backstabbing, and bitchery. Really, though a Housewife is capable of turning even a spa that has Valium-laced water into a place of chaos and crazy. 

Things began last night with Karent Sierra and her smile of denial continuing to see the RED RUM writing on the wall as a reminder to make mixed drinks. In short, Karent refuses to deal with reality. The next morning after learning that Rodolfo may or may not be dating a 24-year-old hottie she decides to just pretend all that yucky mess doesn't exist. I hope she's better at tackling dental problems than she is at dealing with real life. 

While Joanna Krupa and Lisa Hochstein would prefer to focus on their breakfast and making sure their hair and make-up look appropriately tussled and natural, yet perfect; Lea Black can take no more. She comes right out and asks Karent why she didn't defend her relationship to the other ladies after they accused her of faking it for the cameras. Karent just keeps that daft smile on her face. 


Lea says if anyone accused her relationship of being fake she would immediately shoot it down and move on because well, it's not! Karent keeps whining that she doesn't like confrontation and Lea points out the obvious it looks like she's agreeing by omission if she just keeps quiet. 

Lea also mentions that If Roy cheated, well he couldn't afford to. And she would destroy him. You know what, I totally believe her. Joanna tries in vain defend Karent by pointing out that there are rumors about everyone's relationship; for instance people talk about Alexia Echevarria's husband Herman being gay. Lea laughs that off in such a blasé way that I actually believe there's no merit to the tales. 

Karent is whining about how Lea is nagging at her and is sounding like a broken record, because basically Karent doesn't want the truth. Or to look at the alleged photos. Her reaction the next really is suspect. Either bitch is crazy and is going to turn into one of those women that fakes a pregnancy and believes it's really happening or she really doesn't want to deal with it because Rodolfo is a fake boyfriend and she so doesn't care where his dingdong resides off-camera. 

Karent tries to shut Lea up by slamming her own marriage saying Roy is afraid of her. Lea is like yeah, of course he is. He better be! Lea is my kinda girl – turbans and all. And then Karent does a really over-acted but pretty dead-on imitation of Lea bossing Roy and RJ around. Studies show matriarchal run families are the happiest though… 

Look – Karent is a fool to ignore this if her relationship is in fact real. And the fastest way to let rumors spiral out of control is to pretend they don't exist. 

In the bad house another summit of the We Hate Karent Club is taking place. The girls wake up in marabou and ready for bellinis. Marysol Patton calls Mama Elsa to debrief her on the trouble with Karent. Surprisingly Mama Elsa has no patience for their high school antics and yells at them for ruining the trip and getting involved in gossip and Karent's life. 

Ana Quincoces tries to defend their actions saying Karent is almost 40 and her biological clock is ticking, to which Elsa says she doesn't care if Karent's clock explodes because it's nobody's business! She totally yells at Alexia saying she is not that type of girl and made herself look bad. Everyone looks mortified. Dang Elsa – I'm thinking you need to start making some appearances on RHONJ! 

Realizing she was totally in the wrong, a shamed Alexia rips up the article and tries to flush it down the toilet. Floating in the toilet water is a close-up of Rodolfo that just won't go down the drain. It's a sign – no matter how much the girls of RHOM want to wash that man outta their hair he's not going anywhere so long as there's a camera present! 

Joanna comes over to dish on the antics of last night and to figure out the day's plans. Ana has been relegated to bartender for the all-day bender and then she's cooking dinner with some local chef later that evening. 

Meanwhile Lea and Lisa are having a heart-to-heart about her fertility issues. Lisa reveals that they even tried a surrogate and things didn't work out. She worries that Lenny will be too old to enjoy his child if they aren't able to have a baby soon. Lea is very supportive and is dishing out some fantastic advice on being positive, approaching this as a project and focusing good energy on it, and not worrying so much. 

Lea was totally rocking a Miss Cleo vibe and giving out profound advice in a turban and massive earrings. Awesomeness. 

Afterwards the girls all decided to head into town for some lunch at a conch shack. Joanna explains to us that while she's never eaten conch she's definitely enjoyed her fair share of cock. Yeah, Joe Francis already made that abundantly clear! Of course the restaurant is little more than a shack and the ladies are all decked out in their St. Barth's finery. 

Regardless the food seems amazing and everyone is in high spirits – especially after beers and rum and cocks, eeerrrr…. cokes. Sorry Joannian-slip. Marysol is in such high spirits she's decided right there in the middle of conch and cocktails that she's going to file for divorce when she gets home and officially end her marriage to Philippe. Apparently conch is some sort of an aphrodisiac and perhaps that explains all the lovey-dovey friendship getting along nonsense. Can we have conch at every Housewife event. That would be boring, right?

Back at the house, Karent gets more bad news. Her father is being taken to the hospital because he's having problems with his pace maker. Poor Karent breaks down and starts sobbing. And the worst part is she's stuck in Bimini with a bunch of bitches. Karent decides to forego dinner and she really doesn't care if the other girls think she's avoiding them in light of the Rodolfo mess. Good for Karent – I would stay home too. 

The other ladies head over for dinner and everyone is in good spirits. That changes as soon as they sit down. Alexia mentions that she loves everyone there and Lisa chimes in, except Karent

Like opening a can of poison laced worms out come the complaints about Karent, which quickly spiraled into everyone complaining about each other which quickly became about how much Jamelaine lies which then morphed into Lea Vs. Marysol, the dawn of the dead. 

Ugh it was like a group therapy session minus one counselor who fell asleep from boredom after hearing these people whine on and on about their problems with each other. Then Ana jumps in because we really, really need her self-important input to "defend" the innocent and maligned Marysol. Oh, get over yourself. 

I have to say I think Lea and Marysol were behaving pretty civilized, I mean this here is Housewives where a discussion often transcends into a broom welding, boob exposing, bitchslap on crazy booze. Lisa had previously wondered what happened if one mixes vodka with tequila and apparently we should be asking Adriana de Moura and Joanna to explain as they've experienced it first hand. 

Adriana who has been the most dignified and well-behaved person at the table during this dinner (who slipped her a tranquilizer) thinks everyone would be happier if they just stopped getting so overstressed and underlaid. And if they just brought 37 suitcases for a 3-day trip so they'd have plenty of shoe options, apparently. 

Yeah, so Lea feels Marysol fucked up her gala because she handled the PR, the red carpet and the treatment of donors and celebrity guests poorly. Apparently Marysol's "girls" (is she running a brothel) "stalked" Pharrell. Can we get a statement from him?

Marysol denies all the allegations and insists it is Lea who needs Marysol's business to legitimize her gala. This really souses Lea up. How dare she! Adriana, appropriately quiet for once, comments in her interview that actually Marysol's PR company mishandling things did cause damage and for that Marysol has not apologized and not taken accountability. 

It seems to me that Lea wants an apology and acceptance. I don't know what makes me think that other than the fact that she mentioned it half a dozen times. And it seems to me that Marysol does not think she has any reason to apologize. Semantics, eh?

Look if things did go as Lea said they did, Marysol did mess up and she does need to apologize. Lea had a list of infractions for which Marysol's business is culpable. The one that was my favorite (other than the stalking of Pharrell of course, cause that's hilarious) is that year one of the gala Marysol's girls let their friends come in for Lil' Wayne's performance and they all busted their booty-shaking out in front of all the old, square, rich, white people guests who were paying by the plate. And I'm sure they're all totally Lil' Wayne fans, right. Groupies, I would venture. 

Anyhoodle, Marysol so doesn't recall that cause she was on Lil' Wayne's tour bus doing martini jello shots and getting freaky with the sound techs. Ok, I may have just made that part up. 

Marysol needs to balls up and handle herself. Marysol didn't seem to be accepting any responsibility which I found odd. I mean surely Lea isn't' completely crazee mad over invisible slights? Marysol finally just says 'Leave me alone, I don't like it. Waaaah!'

Suddenly as if a ghost appears,  Karent wanders in looking sad-eyed and Flash Dance-y to let them know she's leaving the next morning because of her dad's illness. And it was sad. She started to cry and I really do feel for her. I hope her dad was OK. And all the girls were sympathetic and for all of 15 seconds it made them realize bickering over the stalking or non stalking of Pharrell maybe isn't so important. Unless you're Pharrell, of course. 

As soon as Karent leaves, Lea swoops back in to accuse Marysol of avoiding Lisa Pliner now because of the Jamelaine incident. Marysol insists if it weren't for her Lea's gala wouldn't be getting national press, but I guess they were important enough to be getting Lil' Wayne. It just went on and on. 

Eventually Adriana gets involved, but in a good way and tries to break it down. But then she changes the problem to be about Elaine! Apparently Ana started a rumor that Lea was using James to do her dirty work instead of confronting Marysol herself. 

Finally Ana leaps in tells them their problems are like so not important and Lea is just trying to talk loud to prove her importance. Which might be true, but Ana is doing the same thing. Ugh, just stop Ana. She starts accusing Lea of using her clout to disparage Marysol. It was a bit far-reaching, but then tells them to shut up. 

In the end both ladies must have exhausted themselves or drank too much because they are all the sudden hugging each other and crying. Ok, then. That was a complete roller coaster of emotion, but at least they seemed sincere when they made amends. 

So next week is the season finale and that looks delectable.