Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Double Trouble


On last night's finale of Real Housewives of Miami things were peaceable, nice, and sweet. I kinda expected the reunion to be filmed sans moderator in Vicki Gunvalson's backyard circa S1 of RHOC, aka before these shows descended into non-stop fighting, backstabbing, and made-for-TV personal problems. 

Nope, last night's episode featured real, honest-to-goodness drama, and sweetness. I guess after a season of crazy why not end on a high note? 

Things begin with the girls still in Bimini. Apparently the bad weather has stranded them and trying to turn lemons into lemonade an energetic Marysol Patton suggests a "Healing Water" ceremony involving flowers and Pucci worn with aquashoes. Marysol explains that her mother believes making a wish and throwing flowers over your head into water can cleanse negative energy and help us find closure and peace. 

Lea Black had been passing the time talking to all her friends in jail and so she's game. I mean who wants to hear some wealthy con complain about the frozen peas and lukewarm gravy in the minimum security prison when you could be on vacation right? Adriana de Moura laughs that while alone in their cells at night they're all fantasizing about Lea and Lea didn't seem to find that image appetizing. 


Since there's nothing else to do and everyone is sick of fighting – oh and public enemy no. 1 Karent Sierra bailed early, the ladies all troupe down to the ocean. Marysol warns them to put on comfortable shoes so they can navigate the ocean rocks, which almost causes them to cancel, but alas they straggle down to the water and start to make their wishes. 

Adriana goes first and she makes a wish to new friends (like Joanna Krupa!) and to move past her fears and marry Frederic. Lisa Hochstein wishes for positive thinking in achieving her goal of having children. Ana Quincoces, who was initially totally scornful about the ceremony, ends up bawling profusely as she wishes to move on in her divorce and for Robert and her daughters to have happy lives. 

Marysol wishes to find closure and officially make a decision about her marriage. Joanna wishes to reconnect with Romain and Alexia Echevarria wishes for the health of her family, particularly Frankie and Peter. Finally Lea goes and since her life is pretty much perfect she wishes that everyone else would get it together and have a happy life full of blessings. Lea really needs to get into the self-help industry. Couldn't you see her doing those kind of Joel Osteen arena tours selling some snake oil musings about how you too can be all you imagined. Mama Elsa can get into it with her. 

Afterwards everyone cries and feels like they really are friends and I sort of teared up as my ice cold Scrooge-y heart defrosted and I too wished I could throw flowers into Bimini bay and have a spiritual awakening. I thought it was hilarious that despite the fact that it was allegedly freezing everyone is dressed in their resort best beach wear and not, say, long johns?

And then they returned to Miami. But alas, things weren't the same. Everyone felt cleansed. And more aware and best of all, happier. As if life made more sense. Maybe there was magic in Bimini? Maybe Mama Elsa really did have the healing touch? Maybe, just maybe, stopping all the drama and the petty mattered. It certainly occurred to Joanna and Adriana that acting like wild beasts of the Florida wilds on a bender perhaps wasn't the way to go. 

Anyway, Adriana had bigger things going on in life than worrying about how much she hated Joanna two weeks ago. Swapping her boob-exposing lingerie for a boob-exposing, sheer Miss Universe gown she performs with her son Alex in his piano recital. Ok, so the music was beautiful, Alex and Adriana are lovely together. Green is totally her color – but a sheer, side-boob exposing, pageant gown on stage at a kid's music school (with matching bright green shoes!); not such a good idea. 

Luckily for Adriana for every bad idea she has, she also has a good one. And that good idea is the decision to marry Frederic. Frederic is lovely and he is supportive and embraces her son. After the recital, she, Alex, and Frederic sit outside and Adriana tells her son she wants to marry Frederic. 

Alex is adorable and he wonders why Frederic didn't ask him for permission. Frederic complies and a spring wedding is decided. Now you know Bravo loves a wedding so season three will most certainly be Adriana and Frederic tie the knot, with her still freaking out about getting over herself, and Marysol planning the whole thing. Yada, yada. 

I have to say I really do think Adriana had some sort of an awakening. I think she realized Frederic loves her and she loves him and that family are the people you love and want to be with at the end of the day. Sure she had a bad time of it, but she got through it. Now if we could just do something about her attention whoring… 

Also, having an awakening was Joanna – and Romain. When Joanna returns home Romain has decorated the entire condo with rose pedals and bought her a big ol' diamond necklace. It wasn't Lea Black sized jewelry, but hey who has the money for that? Romain has something better than boulder sized rocks, he has a big, sweet, and loving heart. He drops down on one knee, proffers up the necklace Joanna seems meh about, and re-proposes. 

Joanna is all crying and says she too has realized again that Romain is the one. He goes on and on about his love for her and she agrees to re-marry him in a SPRING wedding. Uh-oh! What's better than Weddings By Bravo? How about WEDDING WARS by Bravo? Oh you know it's coming. And it will be big. Bigger than big. Double weddings are a total soap opera plot, so i guess we know where Andy Cohen is getting most of his ideas! #Dynasty

Alas with the double weddings must come the double divorces. Just as Joanna and Adriana are realizing they are destined to waltz down the aisle, Marysol and Ana are signing their marriages away. 

Philippe takes his smarmy Peppy Le Pew self over to Marysol's condo, accepts her offer for a drink, and comments that he likes what she's done to the place. Really, if last night wasn't the clearest indication that he was in this for a green card and a nice place to temporarily shack up I don't know what was. He couldn't be more disinterested in appeasing Marysol if he tried. And the body language, well I'm no expert but he was pretty much sitting on the other end of the sofa while she was completely turned towards him. 

I felt bad for Marysol, she clearly had Karent Sierra syndrome. She thought this man was the real deal and he thought her beach-front apartment was legitamately useful. So they discuss their relationship and agree that it's best to let go and end things but stay friends and try not to put too much pressure on it. Basically Philippe was like ummm… I want you to be happy with this decision but really, let's divorce. It was the classic "It's not you, it's me" break-up speech. 

They sealed the deal on their decided nullification with some post-breakup cigarettes on the balcony. C'est glamour! Very French, but I always thought cigs were for post-coital celebrating, not post-divorce ones! 

On the other side of town Ana and Robert are finally finalizing the end of their 23-year marriage. For some odd reason Ana is freaking out about how her adult daughters will react to the news. I think that was a bit of projecting. Ana sobs as she signs the papers with a Sponge Bob pen. Robert is pretty blasse about the whole thing which Ana thinks is an act as he is hurting inside. 

Afterwards they bring their adult daughters into the room and tell them the news. They're both like 'Ok, sure. Glad it worked out. See you tomorrow,' while Ana wiped tears away. I hope Ana finds closure. Like Marysol it's clear she wasn't the initiator of the divorce. I think she resents Robert, but simultaneously can't let go. 


Best in show! Great minds think alike. 

Marysol has other things to think about besides Philippe. It's the tenth anniversary of The Patton Group and that means a big party. But first she has to take Mama Elsa out to lunch to discuss the progress with Philippe. Mama Elsa must have used her psychic powers of wardrobe compilation because both mother and daughter are wearing leopard print tops? Member Mother-Daughter fashion shows?

Elsa wants Marysol to ditch her leopard jacket, but Marysol is braless and unlike her co-stars (ahem… Adriana!) she doesn't wish a nipslip to occur. Over lunch (wine? is that a food supplement on HW) Marysol dishes on how things shook out with Philippe but she still wants him to be a part of her life. 

He coincidentally calls during lunch and Elsa hops on the phone to lecture him and it's decided that Marysol will play a little trick on him by inviting him to the anniversary party. 

After lunch we're treated to a plastic surgery scene with Fembot's plastic surgery addicted maid Daysy. I'll just skip over it suffice to say that Lisa scrubbed in as well and watched the procedure where she compared the gross fat removal to looking like corn chowder. And made some comparisons between the lipo wand and a hand job. Ew. 

On Star Island (or wherever the Fakensteins live), Lenny is unveiling plans for the new house they plan to build a mere three houses away from Lea's. It's a good thing Fembot no longer hates the Mayor or Miami and the Grand Doyenne of Miami Housewives! Lisa wants to know where the baby room is in this new mega house, as if they can't squeeze one in. Lenny reveals it's right next to the master. 

Lisa tells Lenny she knows they will have children and they have a very touching and sweet moment where they both agree to believe in their dream of a family. Lisa admits she doesn't tell Lenny she loves him enough and she really, really does love him. It was a nice moment because it was clear that they both really DO love each other and I really, really hope they can have children. We're rooting for you Hochsteins! 

While Lisa and Lenny overcome their issues Karent is still living in denial whole-heartedly! Lisa and Joanna visit Lea at her office where she puts on make-up and swans around while dishing out advice to her neophyte followers. It was sort of like Cult of Lea. Lea tells Lisa about avoiding being lost in her husband's identity by suggesting she find her passion and go with it. Lisa thinks real, real hard until smoke and glitter seep out of her ears and her extensions start to smell like burning and then she says.. I like to exercise! And eat healthy. 

I'm guessing that means that HW exercise videos are going to be the next product hawk…. 

Lea also gives advice on Karent and how her friends can't force her to see Rodolfo for who he is, even if it's as obvious as Fembot's boob job. I have to say, Lea is amazing at giving advice. She needs to start her own Housewives therapy hour. How cool would that be? It could be like high school peer mediation and she could mediate HW feuds. 

Speaking of denial, Dr. Teeth has been grinning and bearing it in her house. Rodolfo is apparently desperate to win back Karent's approval because he wants the exposure on American TV. She hasn't spoken to him since returning from Bimini since she's been focused on her father's health. 

Apparently Rodolfo is insisting it was a publicity stunt with the Mexican actress and he is all about love for Karent. He even went so far as to call Karent's mom and plead his case. Luckily, Karent's mom sees right through him and is well aware that he is a sleaze. I mean after all if it WAS a publicity stunt wouldn't he tell his girlfriend in advance instead of assuming she wouldn't see it because it was in a Mexican tabloid? I'm still shocked Karent doesn't monitor his behavior via GoogleAlerts #amateur 

Karent's mom warns her that Rodolfo has done this before and once a liar, always a liar so uhhh… she should walk away before further embarrassing herself. She just scrunches up her face and grits her teeth. 

Then five minutes later she's on Skype with Rodolfo and smiling widely as she reveals she's forgiven him for this transgression because she believes with all her heart it was a PR stunt and he is loyal to her, her free dental care, and her TV exposure alone. Keep dreaming kiddo. 

Karent and Rodolfo are like in a relationship through Skype – she actually kissed the screen which can't be sanitary. They're like polygamists except Skype and the ladies of RHOM are the "sister wives" in this here fauxlationship. Over skype Rodolfo complains and rants about the other women being obsessed with him, Karent, and their relationship! He's all worked up and it's not a cute look for him. 

Rodolfo is also a very good liar, which is gross. Karent beams at the camera as she explains, word of advice: don't believe everything the press tells us. Word of advice right back atcha Teeth: Don't always believe everything you hear from a man who is known to lie and cheat! I think it's fair to assess that Karent's extra T stands for Terminally foolish. Dang – can she just admit this was camera relationship already or do you think she's stupid enough to actually believe it was real? 

Finally it's the end of the season Patton Group party. And there's a surprise guest: Jameslaine! Everyone shows up in good spirits. Marysol spends the evening canoodling with Philippe at the bar to the confusion of all. One person not attending is Rodolfo – he's working … on getting up some other girl's skirt or something. Joanna and Lisa badger Karent about meeting someone else and suggest she try to, but Karent isn't budging. She believes in this fauxlationship til the very, last camera stops rolling. 

Joanna tells everyone she's having a spring wedding and low and behold, so is Adriana! Someone suggests a double wedding, but both ladies amiably joke that it would end up being a double brawl or a double funeral. Whaddya bet that will be next season's storyline with someone having a fight at one of these girl's weddings? When did Joanna and Adriana make up and when did it get so terrible between them again. I mean hello the WWHL incident was insane! 

Lea arrives and Marysol is hopeful they can be friends again, while Lea reveals she just wishes to acknowledge Marysol socially. And then here comes the big reveal! A performance. A performance by a queen! With a parade of sparklers and champagne out walks Elaine! Of course she had to show off, errr… I mean show up! And I'll admit – Elaine put on a fun, campy show. 

Joanna quizzes Marta about her upcoming wedding and Marta weirdly reveals that she doesn't want Joanna to marry Romain because he's mean to her. Um… is Marta 12? Or is there something really odd going on there?

And fading out to a disco soundtrack of true awesomeness the ladies of RHOM dance into the ending credits and let us know what they've been up to. Karent and Rodolfo finally broke up, Alexia is dealing with family issues still, Marysol and Philippe divorced, Ana's doing alright, and Lisa is decorating a hundred baby rooms. Joanna and Romain are on a break, while Adriana is still planning her wedding. And Lea, well she's still Lea and all is well in Lea-land!

This was a great finale. Made even greater by the Studio 54 disco music! 

So the reunion should be crazy, I hear. I wonder when did Elaine and Marysol start fighting again? I can't keep up with these broads! At least the other Housewives either permanently hate each other or are TV-friends. 

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