Do you see that look on Marcia Marchman's face? I imagine that's how I look while I'm watching Big Rich Atlanta. This show is honestly a nightmare to recap. The scenes do not flow, the editing is choppy, the personalities haven't been developed, the drama feels too forced, and the eye shadow gives me ulcers.
Don't get me wrong, I think Big Rich Atlanta is a lot of fun to watch, but it doesn't even compare to Big Rich Texas (yet) for me. Obviously, I find the issues I listed above to be annoying; however, I also cannot relate to the socialite way of life and Ashlee Wilson-Hawn makes me want to vomit. The physical feeling that I get when Ashlee is on my TV is super serious.
Oh, speaking of things that are super serious, Marcia wants daughter Meagan McBrayer to treat their new business venture a little more seriously. Meagan tells Marcia that she is seriously sick of hearing about how serious creating a traveling fashion boutique is because she's a serious shopper and that makes her a serious business woman. I can't even begin to makes sense of that. I love them nonetheless.
While Tweedlemom and Tweedledum are truck shopping, we learn Meagan seriously doesn't have any serious money to buy a truck. When Meagan asks her estranged dad to invest in her fashion truck business, he says no. I hope Meagan finds a way to make it happen. I want to see her further terrorize the streets and trees of Atlanta with her big truck.
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Next, we time travel to see what Honey Boo Boo will be doing 20 years from now, and she's calling Harvin Eadon. While Ashlee talks to Harvin, she walks the camera around her condo to show off her pageant pictures and fancy furniture. Jumping to Brie Rowe's nail salon… despite the fact that Kahdijiha Rowe and Ashlee hate each other, Ashlee has invited Kahdijiha to her upcoming birthday and Kahdijiha plans to go.
Jumping to breakfast with the Eadon sisters… Virginia Kolb can sense that her daughters, Harvin and Meyer Eadon, are mad at each other and wants to know why… pity party for two coming right up. Jumping to Ashlee pathetically planning her own birthday party… she demands only hot, single, and whorish security guards. Jumping to Ashlee and Harvin at a bakery… Harvin squeezes Ashlee's boob and Ashlee pokes Harvin's boob with an umbrella… which turns out to be foreplay for a bitch fest about Meyer.
Ashlee invites herself to Virginia, Meyer, and Harvin's kickboxing family bonding time. When Meyer asks why Ashlee is there, Harvin tells her to shut up. Meyer smacks Harvin in the face and screams, "Harvin! Stopppp!" The guys in the kickboxing class are all like, hell yeah, bring it on. Meyer tells Harvin, "I am your little sister and you treat me like I'm shit to you." When Harvin begs Meyer to stop acting like a victim, Meyer smacks her in the face, yelling, "Harvin! Stopppp!"
Harvin points out that Meyer has now hit her twice in the same day. This is true, and Meyer also told Harvin to stop.. doing whatever.. each time she smacked Harvin in the face. Meyer whines, "You always blame me for everything!" To the camera, Harvin says, "Meyer is the biggest put on you've ever seen…. Vicky Victimize, I'm so tragic… Like, she was not that pissed that Ashlee was there, believe me. If she can't accept responsibility for going around talking about my ex-boyfriend's death, then we're not going to get past this argument."
Virginia calls an emergency family meeting, saying, " You're sisters. You're supposed to love each other. You're acting like maniacs. If it doesn't stop, I'm gone – no house, no cars, no allowance, no hair, no nails, no tan. Nothing. You're going to be a family, and you're going to like it." Harvin and Meyer realize that Virginia is serious. Just thinking about losing their allowance makes them break out into a cold sweat… which makes their spray tans run… so they have no choice but to make up.
I cannot believe how quickly these two change gears when their allowance is at stake. According to Virginia's hourglass, Harvin and Meyer went from hating each other to making amends to planning to go to Ashlee's party to joking about whore baths in less than five minutes.
It's time for Ashlee's Golden 28th Birthday party. The Big Rich Atlanta makeup, fashion, and hair decisions continue to leave me speechless. Are they supposed to be slutty flying nuns? Bat women? I'm obviously out of the fashion loop.
Anyway, as promised, Kahdijiha comes to the party, vowing, "I'm ready to party with my girlfriends. I'm going to have a good time and not worry about anyone, especially Ashlee." Ashlee immediately spies Harvin, Meyer, Meagan, and Kahdijiha playing with the cupcake tower on their table. At first, she simply sneers, "Are these pigs sticking their fingers in my shit?"
When Kahdijiha drops a cupcake on the table, Ashlee loses her mind. I thought I was serious about cupcakes. Ashlee marches over to the table, screaming, "Oh my God!" I'm screaming, "They're seriously going to fight about a damn cupcake?"
Focused on Kahdijiha, Ashlee asks, "Why are we vandalizing the party?" Simple-minded Meagan says, "Look how pretty it looks now." Ashlee responds, "It looks trashy. You're better than that, Meagan." Looking at Kahdijiha, Ashlee adds, "You're not [better than that], but she is." Kahdijiha calls Ashlee ugly and tells her to get out of her face. Ashlee announces to the entire room, "Hello, I've got a fat black girl calling me ugly on my birthday." Kahdijiha fires back, "I've got an ugly white bitch trying to act like she's something when she's not."
Once again, Kahdijiha tells Ashlee to get out of her face, adding, "You have no style. These two – gestures towards Meyer and Harvin – killed you with the points. They look great and you don't." Ashlee retaliates by calling Kahdijiha fat, chanting "jelly belly" while poking her in the stomach, and forcefully knocking Kahdijiha's drink out of her hand. Kahdijiha snaps, lunges at Ashlee, and rips some fake hair out of her head.
Ashlee calls 911, requesting police and ambulance.
Bitch, please. 911 is a little too much. Ashlee needs stronger glue, not medical assistance. She should have called 1-800-ELMER'S.
Photo credit: Style Network