Dancing With The Stars Recap: Is Lisa Vanderpump “Too Wooden” For DWTS?


The second week of Dancing with the Stars is always very telling. 
The stars and pros have several weeks to get that first dance together. Then, the stars have only five days to learn dance number two, and it usually shows. For some, however, just getting that first dance out of the way is all it takes to ditch the nerves and get their dance on. This week's scores and votes will be combined with the votes and scores from last week's season 16 premiere, and then we'll say goodbye to one star on tonight's results show. 
Jive: Sean and Peta's lifeguard and beach babe inspired jive is corny and under whelming. I find that I'm way more fascinated by Peta's high-rise bathing suit than I am by Sean's anything footwork. A color-coordinated Catherine is in the audience again. Sean's Bachelor fan base will keep him going for a few weeks, but he has absolutely no shot at taking home the trophy.

Judges: Bruno wishes he were drowning so Sean could put his lips all over save him. Sorry, Bruno, but you'll have to marry him first. Carrie Ann tells Sean that he falls out of the music too much. Len feels as if the theme took over the jive, adding, "I didn't get it, at all." 
Scores: 7+6+7=20
Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson
Quickstep: The choreography proves to be a little too much for Ingo this week. Here's the thing – Ingo is nice to look at and seems to have a great personality; however, he fails to catch my attention on the dance floor. I find myself critiquing my manicure instead of Ingo's dancing. It's very boring, blah, who's next. I do love Kym, though, so I hope this duo outlasts a few of the others. 
Judges: Len calls it an improvement but also points out that Ingo's footwork is hit or miss. Bruno is like, I'm not surprised, because that was a "bonanza" of tricky steps! Carrie Ann cites Ingo's "off" frame as the reason why he lost his footing, though Len jumps in to say that Ingo held his frame exceptionally well for a male celebrity. 
Scores: 6+7+7=20
Dorothy Hamill and Tristan MacManus
Jive: A cyst prevents Dorothy from rehearsing this week's dance. Her live performance is rough, lacking kicks and flicks, and she gets stuck between Tristan's legs at one point. You wouldn't catch me complaining about that, ever, but the judges do not find the situation as (potentially) amazing as I do. The cyst aside, Dorothy is her own worst enemy, as she lacks self-confidence. I'm worried for my little Lucky Charm Tristan. 
Judges: Bruno calls it a brave attempt, adding, "You lost your footing so many times. It was obvious." Carrie Ann senses fear. Len tells Dorothy that her jive was a mess. 
Scores: 5+5+5= 15
Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff
Jazz: Karina choreographs killer routines. Jacoby has the showmanship and strength to pull them off. End of story. Jacoby will go far. 
Judges: Carrie Ann tells Jacoby that his lines were fantastic, adding, "That, my friends, was rockin'!" Len likes the entertainment. Bruno says, "Stylistically, it was spot on." 
Score: 8+7+8=23
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold
Jive: Victor becomes frustrated during rehearsal and threatens to quit. Lindsay talks him out of it and practice resumes. Victor's jive leaves me feeling under whelmed and thinking about ice cream. Not good. Victor's killer smile will carry him a few weeks, maybe, but those (lack of) moves hardly scream mirror ball. 
Judges: Len says it could have been sharper and cleaner. Bruno compares Victor's jive to Zumba. Carrie Ann smacks herself in the face with her bracelet (I give her a 10 and request an encore!) and tells Victor that he's on the right track.  
Scores: 6+6+6=18
Jazz: Andy, this cast's expected train wreck, is turning out to be quite the revelation. When interacting with his pro partner, Sharna, he's humble, considerate, appreciative … all the traits I never before likened to Andy Dick. On the dance floor, he gives everything he has, both stylistically and comically, and I can't help but to watch with amazement. That is exactly what Ingo and Victor lack, which is why I find myself mentally scheduling a manicure and debating the pros and cons of eating a bowl of ice cream while they're dancing.
This week, Sharna choreographs an Alice in Wonderland themed number (to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face") that plays off Andy's strengths brilliantly. Sherri Shepherd, The View co-host and former Dancing with the Stars annoyance contestant, is in the audience. She's so excited for Andy … I can't tell if she's cheering or having a seizure … medic! 
Judges: Len praises Andy's commitment, adding, "That was a laugh." Carrie Ann wraps her head up in the neckline of her dress. And we now know who is drinking the alcohol that Andy isn't. Bruno loves it, adding, "The mad hatter has gone Gaga!" 
Scores: 7+6+7=20
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani
Quickstep: During rehearsal, Wynonna cries about being overwhelmed and physically tired, and Tony tells her that she's being too hard on herself. Tony and Wynonna's quickstep starts off great – then they park the scooters and start to dance. Sorry, Wynonna fans, but there was absolutely no quick in that step. Perhaps to make up for it – Tony decides to motorboat Wynonna's boobs in the middle of the dance. 
Judges: Bruno compares the quickstep to a casual stroll. Carrie Ann compliments Wynonna's frame but asks her to stop playing it so safe. Shall I point out that Wynonna hasn't even conquered safe yet? Len requests more footwork and body contact, adding, "The engine was running, but you never got out of first gear."
Scores: 6+6+6=18
Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy
Jive: Val asks 16-year-old Zendaya to dance in high heels this week. She's not happy about it and clings to a ballet bar. Val tells Zendaya to stay away from the pole, hilariously adding, "What every good father should say to his daughter." 
Oh no! Will Zendaya's never-ending limbs and high heels impend her leader status? Um. That would be a big fat no. Nice try, ABC, but we're not buying what you're selling. Despite the rocky rehearsal clip, Zendaya's kicks, flicks, transitions, and everything else are flawless. And, once again, my boyfriend Val choreographs a fantastic routine.
Judges: Carrie Ann says, "You killed, killed, killed that number." Len goes out on a limb and predicts that Zendaya will be back next week. Most of what Bruno has to say gets cut off due to Carrie Ann's nonsensical chatter time, but he does manage to add, "A star is born, big time!" 
Scores: 9+8+9=26 (first 9s of the season!)
Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas
Quickstep: If there's anyone who knows how to cheese it up (and over dance) for the cameras, it's Mark Ballas, and he wants super serious Aly to learn how to make cartoonish faces. Host Tom Begergon, who obviously gets the irony, later quips, "Another successful graduate of the Mark Ballas school of face making." Aly's dancing feels very … missionary … it gets the job done but will get boring after a while. 
Judges: Carrie Ann feels as if it's the best quickstep of the night. Len thinks it's terrific. Bruno compliments Aly's weightless grace and elegance, comparing her to a magic little blue bird on full flight.  
Scores: 8+8+8=24
Jive: Gleb reveals that Lisa did much better in rehearsal last week than she did on the live show, which frustrates him, and he decides to bring out this "Russian Dictator" side. "I'm trying to hold up physically but it's not easy," Lisa says. "It's easy for you because you do it every day. I'm not doing back flips in my restaurant, in case you haven't noticed." Gleb feels as if he has more confidence in Lisa than she has in herself and vows to push her to greatness. 
On the dance floor, sexy pilot Gleb begins a strip tease that I hope he someday finishes out and flight attendant Lisa looks stunning in sparkly pink. Lisa appears to be having much more fun this week, though she still needs to let loose, get a little crazy, and show that young stud of hers that she has what it takes.
Brandi Glanville, Jax TaylorStassi Shroeder, Katie Maloney, and Kristen Doute were proudly supporting Lisa from the audience. No Giggy this week.
Judges: Len tells Lisa that her "flight" never took off, adding, "It was a little bit wooden." This comment leads to Lisa being referred to a Pinocchio around the web. 🙁  Bruno jokes about how Lisa isn't used to commercial flights. On a serious note, Bruno asks Lisa to better contain and finish her movements. Carrie Ann warns newbie Gleb to be mindful about lifts and begs Lisa to let loose more. 
Scores: 6+6+6=18
D. L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke
Quickstep: D.L. grumps about his abysmal reviews and scores from last week, saying, "Dancing with the Stars went from a fun thing to Hunger Games in tights." D.L. complains about Cheryl's "marathon" choreography; Cheryl refuses to take it out. "Welcome to the show," she says. "This is the quickstep." An irritated D.L. yells, "This shit is not easy for me," and Cheryl demands that he not curse at her. In the end, D.L. must have stopped boohooing long enough to rehearse, because he was much better this week. Still. He needs to go home.  
Judges: Bruno acknowledges the difficult content, adding, "I can see that you worked really hard on that. You're not Fred Astaire, but you did a good job." Carrie Ann thinks D.L. is on the right track. Len congratulates his improvement.
Scores: 5+5+6=16
Jazz: Kellie wants to do JAZZ HANDS!, but Derek suggests cheerleading moves, glow sticks, half-naked bodies, and a smoke machine instead. There are no words to describe how gorgeous Kellie's body looks when she's dancing. She shows great musicality. Following the dance, Tom jokes, "If you're just tuning in, we're playing find the body fat." Kellie will definitely place higher on Dancing with the Stars than she did on American Idol
Judges: Carrie Ann gives Kellie and Derek a stand ovation. Then, she says, "My boobs almost popped out," to which Tom responds, "Wouldn't be the first time." Bringing it back to Kellie and Derek, Carrie Ann adds, "That was freaking amazing!" Len says, "If last week was a spark, this week was a fire." Bruno tells Derek that he has a "smash hit" in his hands and tells Kellie that her dancing is technically superb. 
Scores: 9+8+9=26
Combined Leaderboard (60 possible points) 
Zendaya and Val 26 + 24 = 50
Kellie and Derek 26 + 21 = 47
Aly and Mark 24 + 21 = 45
Jacoby and Karina 23 + 20 = 43
Ingo and Kym 20 + 20 = 40
Sean and Peta 20 + 19 = 39
Andy and Sharna 20 + 17 = 37
Lisa and Gleb 18 + 18 = 36
Wynonna and Tony 18 + 18 = 36
Victor and Lindsay 18 + 18 = 36
Dorothy and Tristan 15 + 21 = 36
D.L. and Cheryl 16 + 12 = 28
Photo credit: ABC