Teen Mom 2 Recap: Good Thing These Kids Can’t Talk Yet…Oh, Wait…


This may sound a bit odd, but I've taken to thinking of Teen Mom 2 (actually the entire franchise) as MTV's personal Truman Show.  It's not true, it's just the network's way of punking everyone everywhere.  In fact, it's getting to be the only way I can rationalize these girls and their unapologetically abhorrent behavior (that includes you, Farrah Abraham!).  It has to be some sort of joke or satirical take on modern society, right? 

In my head, Jenelle Evans is using this as her doctoral thesis, and Leah Messer Sims Calvert is planning to use her footage to create a poignant yet ironic documentary on the importance of self-esteem and the teenage girl.  Kailyn Lowry is working undercover to fix glitches in the family court that allow one parent to abuse the legal system just to get back at the ex who scorned them…she's good at her job, by the way.  Finally, Chelsea Houska is having the last laugh, as she's actually fluent in eight languages (whining is the ninth!), and she's testing a scientific theory regarding how high pitched and nasally a voice must be before viewers press the mute button.  Well played, ladies.  Well played.  Too bad my alternate Teen Mom universe is just one blogger's sad delusions.  🙂 

So, let's get to last night's episode, shall we?  Jenelle is recovering from her boob job, and she can't wait until she's fully recovered so she can spend some time with Jace.  Sadly, that won't happen until the poor child is at least eighteen.  Gary is taking good care of her, and Jenelle wants to talk about three things: 1) Kieffer; 2) what Gary thinks of her new ta-tas; and 3) Kieffer.  Oh, wait… Kieffer has been texting Jenelle, and Gary isn't willing to lose his "career" to fight with such a loser if he decides to come visit.  He'd rather get back to checking out Jenelle's new rack.


Adam, shockingly, is still MIA, and he's made no attempt to see daughter Aubree.  Chelsea takes her daughter to get some froyo with her dad.  She's nervous because, while she's doing well in school, she doesn't feel ready to start working with real customers…and that's on the syllabus for this week.  Newsflash, honey–those customers are a lot more nervous than you!  Even though Chelsea just ca–ann'tt staaa-aanddd the idea of staying in the Dakotas, she's found a house that she's willing to move into once she gets a lease signed.  If Aubree wasn't so flipping cute, I would have muted about two seconds into the scene, thus proving Chelsea's hypothesis on a whining to mute button ratio.

It's overwhelming being a teen mom, y'all, but it's even more overwhelming when you've got twin toddlers, you're re-engaged to your ex-fiance after dumping him for your ex-husband, you're nineteen and planning wedding number two, and you're househunting all at the same time!  Talk about stress!  Poor Leah needs to vent with her mom and admits she hasn't been sleeping well because one of the girls woke up super early.  Grandma has just the anecdote for a wide awake two-year-old—coffee!  No, seriously.  Did that just happen?  As Leah and her mom allow the twins to slurp on coffee (again, seriously?), Leah reveals how stressful it is doing all the things I just mentioned.  Oh God.  Oh God!  Leah's mom has found the perfect wedding planning company called Lover's Lane Myrtle Beach.  LEAVE MY STATE ALONE, REALITY TELEVISION!  Leave us be, please!  Sure, we like cut-off t-shirts and four-wheeling, but for the love of all that is decent, don't let Leah get married in my state.  Of course, given the fact that my state rocks, the wedding planner is totally legit, and she doesn't miss a beat when then babies start screaming.  Perhaps Leah's mom shouldn't lift them by their elbows…


Playing house isn't easy for Kailyn and Javi because he had the nerve to bring his dog with him.  Isaac is diligently on poop control.  Kailyn informs Javi that the dogs need to stay in the backyard because she's expecting company.  He refuses, citing a hole in the fence.  Kailyn, in turn, cusses at him in front of Isaac.  Lovely.  Gigi arrives and the dogs are tag teaming the toddlers.  When Kailyn goes to scream at Javi, he doesn't want to hear her.  She pushes him, tries to smack him, and tells him she hates him.  Javi, listen to me.  Call Jo right now.  Y'all could start a club.  Ahh young love.  She's crying and trying to apologize, but he doesn't want to hear it after she attacked him.  Kailyn is hysterical, and Javi hits the road.  Please, please stop crying and cussing in front of the babies.  Please.  It's not fun to watch, even when MTV gives us a quick disclaimer about dating violence. 

Jeremy and Leah are putting in an offer on a house, and he teases her that the home has enough space for all of her hoarding.  The couple is meeting with the realtor, and he recommends trying to close in two weeks.  Both of their names are going on the mortgage…smart move there, Jeremy.  The realtor tries to explain the closing process as Leah wrangles the twins.


It's Chelsea's first day working with real clients, and she is beyond nervous.  Her first client is an up-do, and she's freaking out…not that she needs to be concerned because her first appointment is super stoked to be styled by one of MTV's finest.  Chelsea actually engages normally with her client, and her voice remains at a normal cadence for longer than just a few words.  Not only that, she impresses the girl with her beachy,wavy up-do.  Chelsea has clearly found her niche in the cosmetology world.  There is hope for this one yet!

To show how responsible she is, Jenelle has invited her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and Jace over for dinner.  Barbara can't stop talking about how much Jace has missed Gary, and she enlists the couple to baby-sit.  Jenelle's mother and her boyfriend joke over dinner about the softening and dropping of the implants, and Barbara opines about how this never would be possible with Kieffer.  Gary has really made an impression, that's for sure.

Kailyn is starting to worry that Javi won't come back home, and she thinks he is going to leave her.  She hopes that if she goes to counseling for anger management (like she's supposed to be doing after her incident with Jo), Javi will reconsider their relationship.  Kailyn doesn't like to hear her friends agree that her temper is out of control.


It's the umpteenth moving day for Chelsea this season, and after she gets her stuff in place, she and Aubree meet her friend Meghan for some hibachi.  We remember Meghan as the girl who got pregnant after watching Chelsea go through the pitfalls of being a teen mom…so she did the exact opposite of what MTV hopes to accomplish with this show.  Meghan reveals that A-D-A-M has a new girlfriend, and Chelsea can't believe his nerve after she almost, maybe, could have gotten pregnant from their latest hook-up.  The duo continues to talk about unprotected sex, bullcrap, and Adam's bad taste in girlfriends while poor Aubree feeds herself some Miso.  She's going to have quite a vocabulary at pre-school.


Ali is having her annual evaluation, and a very, VERY orange Leah listens intently to the progress her daughter has made.  Emotionally and cognitively, Ali is on the mark, age-wise, although she still needs to work on her motor skills.  I do have to say that this sweet girl is so lucky to have so many people working with her.  A much less orange Leah calls Corey and informs him he needs to start attending Ali's physical therapy sessions so that no matter who Ali is with, her care and practice is consistent.  They both agree that their goal is to get Ali on her feet, and he agrees to alter his work schedule so he can attend at least a few of her sessions a month. 

After her friends leave, Kailyn is starting to get worried about Javi's whereabouts.  She calls him, and he agrees to come talk to her about what happened.  Kailyn wants him to work with her, and he is very gracious in forgiving her.  However, I do think she expected him not to agree with her when she said she needed help with her temper. 

At Barbara's house, Jenelle is spending more time on her phone than with Jace.  Her mother is very frustrated, and Jenelle calls Gary and threatens to leave to go hang out with friends since her mom is being so unreasonable.  She actually wants Jenelle to HELP.  Can you believe her nerve?  Gary gets angry and reminds Jenelle that she volunteered to baby-sit, and she needs to spend more time with her son.  She's dropping the "f" bomb left and right while drying off a crying Jace.  Jenelle screams, while Barbara yells and cries.  Jenelle doesn't need her mom to say bad things about her in front of Jace.  He can figure out that she's a deadbeat all on his own

Corey has the twins while Leah and Jeremy try to apply for a loan.  The bank informs them that it will be harder to get the money they need until they are married, but Leah really, really wants this house.  Jeremy suggests a courthouse ceremony so they can get the loan, and they can still have their dream wedding in a few months.  Leah is on board with his plan, as long as he agrees that their anniversary will be the date of the ceremony.


An always douchey Adam drops a letter in Chelsea's mailbox.  He's written a letter of consent to change the jurisdiction of some pending family law issue between the two to a new county…I'm guessing child support.  Chelsea's father advises her to tell Adam she won't sign it until she can consult her attorney.  Dishing on this new twist to a friend, Chelsea isn't whining at all.  She's totally confident and focused on taking A-D-A-M to task.  I want to see more of this Chelsea!

Isaac is with Jo, so Kailyn and Javi are spending some quality time together.  He's planned for the couple to swim with the sharks at the aquarium.  How cool are Javi's date planning skills?  Kail doesn't realize how lucky she is.  She tries to explain her temper to Javi, and she considers taking boxing lessons.  He is quick to forgive her.

Jenelle never returned home to baby-sit, but Gary stepped up to the plate.  He takes Jace to see his lounging mom.  Gary has gotten Jace his first bike, and the three of them of have a fun day.  At the end of the day, Barbara goes off on Jenelle and her love of weed.  Gary tells Jenelle she needs to listen to her mother's tantrum, but she storms out of the house.  Barbara thanks Gary for his help, and he promises to try to talk some sense into Jenelle.  Silly Gary.

Next week, Gary proposes, and Adam spends the day with Aubree…and his new girlfriend.  Leah and Jeremy make it official for the sake of their mortgage, and Javi wants a Vegas wedding with Kailyn


[Photo Credit: MTV]