Don’t Be Tardy Recap: Happy Side-Boobiversary!


Last night on Don't Be Tardy we got a second dose of Kim Zolciak's wedding jumpsuit. As if the over-exposing lace cameltoe monstrosity wasn't bad enough the first time around! 

It's Kim and Kroy Biermann's first anniversary. They've been together three years total but they've had three homes, one eviction, one firing, two kids, three hideous wedding outfits, 35,000 legal issues, and um… well I'm sure there's more to come. Love, White Trash Style!

Kim decides to celebrate by recreating key moments in their relationship. Surprisingly they don't all involve wigs, boobs, and fried chicken. Instead she's going to stage a surprise re-wedding at the venue where they first met when Kroy was a participant in Dancing With The Stars Atlanta. In case you don't remember that's first where Kim first fell for that a$$! 



Kim invites her stylist Shun over and decides they have FIVE DAYS to plan the momentous affair – and hide it from Kroy! Reality TV's attempt to create drama out of this stale show is not working. Anyway, Kim has soooo much she wants to do including lose 10 lbs to sausage herself into the wedding jumpsuit of horrors a mere month or so after having baby KJ.

Also, she can't dance and she wants dancing to be a part of this since Kroy was dancing when she first laid eyes on his posterior. Shun suggests Kim just sort of twirl around Kroy. Somewhere, Kenya Moore is on the phone with her attorney and threatening to sue Kim! Kim and Shun practice her moves, which is cute. Then they film a video-invitation for Kroy and it takes about 35 attempts. The entire time the iPad is upside down, the wig is blurry and out of focus, and the camera is trained on Kim's bursting boobs. Sounds about right!

Kim and Shun visit the venue and discover it's massive. Then they freak out. Since it's also football season Kim decides she's going to do all the anniversary planning to take the pressure off Kroy. Gotta protect that paycheck. She doesn't want him distracted – he's her best investment. 

Later at home, Kim refuses to tell Kroy what she's planning and he gets all butt-hurt about how they are supposed to be doing it together. Kroy is worried about all the money she's probably blowing and wants to keep tabs by being involved. Ok, maybe I made that up!

Anyway Kroy get mad. Kroy have emotion. Kroy yell. Kroy crotchety. Kroy rip wig off with teeth. Rawr! Kim holds firm and confuses him by shoving her boobs in his face and whispering "sexy timeeeeessss". He's hypnotized again and bounces off to go play football and buy diamonds. Kim files her nails and bellows for an assistant or something to call the caterer. 


On the day of the event Kroy has an away football game. Kim invites Brielle's teenaged boyfriend over and lets her boobs practically fly out of her shirt as they all watch the game together. I was seriously worried during all the jumping up and down that this poor 14-year-old was going to have a scarred for life Mrs. Robinson moment! Sadly, the Falcons lose and Kim is worried Kroy will be in no mood to celebrate, but the show must go on! 

Then Kim's "styling" team shows up to strap her wig on, slap makeup on her face, and use three jars of Vaseline and a crow bar to squeeze her into the wedding jumpsuit. At the venue Kim is excited by all the effort that's been put into making it romantic. She has a mini wedding cake and the original band from their wedding. 

Kroy arrives as Kim is just zipping up the jumpsuit. It was the most exercise she's done in months. But alas, nothing says I love you like orange side-boob and cameltoe, right?! Kroy is very touched. 

Kim and Kroy eat dinner, which consists of Long John's Silver buffet. Hush Puppies for all! They drink Boone's Farm Wild Cherry Surprise out of Pier One wine glasses Kim was told were made from the hair of extinct Pomeranians and crystals mined in the Baltic Ocean in an effort to convince her to pay $3,000 a piece for them. It worked! Kim's wig is festooned with a tiara. All in all, it's a trailer trash princesses dream! 


Kim gives Kroy a present of paper which is traditionally the first anniversary gift. She had a high school student do a sketch of Kroy's face in charcoal. Kroy is speechless. And not in a good way. He's like uhhhhhh… ummmmm… well, the bow is cool! Kim promises to strap it to her a$$ later. Kim says since there's so many photos of her naked they needed one of Kroy too. I think it was illegal for the high school student to draw a penis though so they had to just stick to the headshot. Next time! 

Then Kroy gives Kim her present. It's a box of pots and pans. The look on Kim's face. Her wig deflated. Her spray tan turned a pastel peach color. 'But… it's from Target,' she wails. 'PSYCH!' Kroy shouts – 'It's diamonds!' Inside the big pans box he has a zillion little boxes and each contained a diamond bracelet.

Whew! For a second Kim was thinking her hypnosis was wearing off and Kroy's mommy got to him. Crisis averted, the wig reigns supreme. You know, I think I had the knock-off Claire's Boutique version of those bangles in high school. 

Then they shuffle around on the dance floor and Kim fondles Kroy's butt lovingly. Hey – at least they're in love. There's that, right?

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