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On last night's episode of Don't Be Tardy something I've long believed was confirmed. Kroy Biermann, like children of Victorian England, should be seen and not heard. The more he speaks, the more… just no. 

In other occurrences Kim Zolciak demonstrated more awesome parenting and then got in a big fight with her husband over mirrors. She needs MORE MIRRORS everywhere so she can look at herself MORE TIMES. The naked photos dominating every wall aren't enough?

Things begin with Kim and KJ being cute. Ok, let me rephrase: KJ was being cute and Kim was rocking an In Living Color bandana. That was not cute. Kim tells us she knows nothing about football and since Kroy is going to the Super Bowl (in theory), she better learn the ins and outs of the game. 

I'm pretty sure Kim already has the ins and outs covered which is how she ended up married, prenup-less, with two kids in less than three years. Girl knows the game very, very well! She by SheBroke better recognize! 


Kim and Kroy pay a visit to Rose, Kim's full-proof psychic. Rose is officially my favorite character on this show. Rose tells Kim she has another line for a girl in the future – yeppers another baby. This time another girl. Rose talks about Kim's mom and tells her Karen has always been jealous of Kim and wants to be her. So, let me get this straight: Kim's mom wants to be a wig-wearing mistress and gold-digger who drops the eff-bomb every three minutes? Gotcha! Rose needs to take Kroy aside for a private session in which she shows him HIS future! 

Next up, Kim and Kroy go to some wrap spa. I think we saw this last season where Kim got wrapped up in medical gauze and apparently lost 300 lbs or something. Anyway, Kroy is going for an "energy" wrap because if he loses a one pound during NFL season he has to pay a fine and Kim is NOT giving the NFL back any pennies. Oh no, no! She makes that very clear. Kim is counting every cent cause she has chandeliers and sweatpants and wine and tacky furniture to buy. Kroy's money is already very spoken for. 

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They get wrapped up and then lie down in some heated sleeping bag which Kroy describes as a creamy and soft like a Twinkie. Or breast milk! He was literally salivating as he drifted away into a dreamy relaxation. Did Kim sedate him? Then he tells us when Kim dies he's going to mummify her so he can snuggle her every night. I believe that's called Necrophilia according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 

Kim tells Kroy if he wins the Super Bowl she'll pump two bottles of breast milk for him so he can do a shot. Apparently Kroy really loves the taste of it. Why is this show making me want to vomit. That and find Jesus. Lord save me from Kim. 

So just to recap: Kroy drinks breast milk, loves the smell of burnt hair, and wants to mummify Kim when she dies so he can hold her close at night… He should just never talk. Ever. 

The Zolciak-Biermann fam traipses over to the new house where Kim shows Brielle and Ariana their new rooms. Now that the mold is gone, the renovations can begin. Hence why Kim is kounting all Kroy's pennies! Brielle complains that her room is too small. Kroy looks unimpressed. It was some wicked side-eye he shot her. Clearly Brielle has been highly influenced by the Madame Zolciak School of Man Wrangling and Gold Digging. Lesson 1: Complain, whine, and manipulate until you get what you want! There's also a seminar on Wig Wearing 101. 

Kim and Kroy give us the tour including the live-in nanny suite which Kim is so excited about. Then she tells us about all the other amenities they're adding since Kim and Kroy "don't like to leave the house." Just to recap: Kim needs a live-in nanny for her non-job even though she doesn't like to leave the house. 

Next Kim takes us to the Wig Palladium. It's a huge antechamber with thousands of mannequin stands and mirrors and floor-to-ceiling windows so the wigs can highlight naturally and a giant drying rack and olive oil spritzers. Oh wait … Kim wanted that but Kroy is insisting on putting in a gym and training room since his body earns the money. 

Since Kim can't let Kroy have anything and she has to remind him who wears the panties in this here relationship thingy, she starts a big argument with him about how he needs mirrors in front of all the workout equipment so SHE can watch herself on the treadmill. She needs to see herself at all times. Kroy wants a big-screen TV instead. As Brielle points out, Kim doesn't work out. Irrelevant details says Kim as she barks at her daughter to stay out of it!

Kim wants a mirror. Kim wants Kim. Kim wants to constantly keep tabs on the most amazing person in her life: herself! Kroy get angry. Kroy get sassy. Kroy sulks and yells like a petulant child. Kim is going to have to have a long chat with him later that night while she shoves her boobs in his face. 

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Then Kim goes to some women's football league to learn about the game. Kim is expecting lingerie football league and is sourly surprised to see tough ladies in jerseys like actually playing the game. Kim cracks open some wine and tells us she retains more information when drunk. So that's how NeNe was manipulating her all those years! Kim then gets on the field for six minutes and complains that she's out of shape. Wasn't Brielle saying something about how she never exercises?

Finally, Kroy has a football game which Brielle, Brielle's boyfriend (whom she is in love with), and Kim will be attending. Before the game Kim wants to pump her boobs, so she plops down at the kitchen island and whips out the pump while Brielle and her boyfriend are sitting on the sofa mere inches away. She can't go into next room? Kim just basically warned him not to look and turned her back. Someone needs to alert the authorities. And if I were that boy's parents I would be livid right about now!

They all drive to the game but there's traffic so they're stuck in the car while Brielle is forced by producers to tell Kim that all the boys at her school call Kim a MILF and want to "do stuff" to her. That was really tragic and embarrassing for Brielle. Kim on the other hand lapped it up like Kroy laps up breast milk.

Kim screeches out the window "Ask, Believe, and Receive!" and miraculously traffic parts like Moses parting the red sea or Derek J laying a wig and Kim is at the stadium. 

Just to recap: this show is gross. 

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