Dance Moms Chatter Recap: The Actual Show Can’t Return Soon Enough!

dance moms chatter

Whether the newly coined Dance Moms Chatter needed another hour is irrelevant…we were treated to one last night nonetheless.  Abby Lee Miller joins the stage with Jeff Collins, and all I can focus on is how far Jeff has come since his timid, uptight, conservative-suited self started this hosting gig.  Look at him!  He's wearing purple gingham, a skinny tie, a blazer and dark washed jeans.  Dare I say he's even colored his hair?  Go Jeff.

Abby waxes on and on about how she always knew she had a gift for costumes and choreography and telling stories through dance while giving up high school reunions and a social life and being kind for the sake of her students.  Major sacrifices, y'all!  A former Ugly Betty star and a Dance Moms blogger (who is clearly more loved by Lifetime than this girl) join Abby and Jeff, and we're treated to parental meltdowns from seasons past.  They are really taking clips from the vault, aren't they?


We are treated to a major feud between Abby and Christi that leaves Melissa screaming and Maddie and MacKenzie in tears.  I'm guessing the theme of this montage is "Maddie is the Favorite."  The super fans believe that Abby can do no wrong, and Jeff teases Abby about her social life.  Cue the Abby dating highlights from seasons past.  Someone please remind me why Lifetime thought these filler episodes would be a good idea?

After some prodding from Jeff, Abby reveals that she isn't dating (despite contrary rumors that she is boning the ALDS bus driver), but she does have someone special who treats her like a queen.  Thankfully, it's not the werewolf dude she met at the gas station, although we get to re-watch their entire first date at Flowers in the Attic…which, by the way, is never a good name for one's restaurant/event space hybrid.  Abby jokes that awkward first dates are far more awful than dealing with crazy stage moms.

Melissa makes her debut as one of the only friend-moms of Abby.  I know last week I lamented about Christi's pink hair.  Perhaps I need to have my television checked because Melissa's hair is a crisp shade of lilac.  The pair ponders the ups and downs of their relationship, and Maddie's talent is always at the center.  A newly hoarse Abby reminds Melissa while she had to  be punished for siding with the other moms during the walk-out.  One of the super fans distracts the women from another potential argument by making fun of Jill's outfits during the clip.  Well played!

The topic quickly changes to Kathy's desire to take down Abby at any turn, even hiring Abby's colleagues and friends to choreograph Candy Apple numbers.  The super fans take shots at Vivi-Anne, and Jeff questions how Kathy finances her endeavors.  We learn from lost footage that Kathy's husband is a beef jerky magnate. No shame in that game!

The super fans and Jeff are extremely entertained by the insult reel between Kathy and Abby's moms.  Double chins, age, gender identity, and unicycles–nothing is off limits with these women!  Kristie 2.0 is brought up, and Melissa is all about throwing her under the bus…and the super fans take notice.  Melissa then laughs about how much plastic surgery Kathy has had since the show's inception.  The super fans then go into a cringe-worthy mash up of "Yo (Dance) Mama" jokes.  Yikes.

Holy amaze-balls!  There is a musical that parodies the show.  Jeff shares it with Melissa and Abby, and while Abby is a good sport, Melissa doesn't seem to like how she's portrayed.  Where can I purchase ticket to this brilliance?  The super fans then do a quick fire round of questions with Abby.  The gist?  Kelly is the worst dresser on the show, and Jill buys the best presents.  Lame.  Melissa reveals that the moms see each other naked…A LOT, and Holly clearly has the biggest backside in the group.  Really?  

Abby tells Jeff that there is a studio in South Carolina (home state, represent!) that often uses her show as inspiration.  Gag.  After a question from Jeff, Abby shares that she believes every child should dance for self-esteem and health.  A highly hilarious choreography reel is shown.  Don't get me wrong, the girls are talented and amazing, but watching it with the commentary is entertaining…unlike the remainder of this hour of my life I'll never get back…

The super fans create their own names for dance moves and question Abby if she's ever taken her criticism too far with her students.  The group toasts to Maddie because she's everyone's favorite before the super fans start one-lining costumes from the past seasons.  The super fans then tout Abby for being able to create such amazing dancers without ever moving a muscle.  Let's admit it, that's a huge feat.  

Finally!  Next week the show returns with Abby and her girls!


[Photo Credit: Lifetime]