Real Housewives of Miami Recap: 50 Shades Of Black


Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about family matters – and twisty, curvy, convoluted family dynamics! 

It turns out Romain Zago has more than a childhood shrouded in negligent parenting as neither of his parents could give a fig about attending his wedding to Joanna Krupa. Scared of Joanna? Even worse – Romain's brother, the supposed best man, is iffy about whether or not he'll attend. Maybe they can do Skype nuptials? Joanna feels that's what they get for waiting six years to set a date. Nevertheless it made her really appreciate her family (maybe she'll stop ball-busting Marta. I mean she's finally stopped ball-busting Romain!). 

It also makes Joanna understand that she truly is the only family Romain has. Better get to reproducing – or she's probably saving that for next year's storyline (if they get renewed, that is)! To celebrate their love, Romain is surprising Joanna with a romantic evening. First he rips up the prenup they were planning to sign (love, Housewives style!) then he rents a yacht and has a puppy waiting on board. Joanna is in heaven. I'm just happy Joanna found someone willing to put up with her. Better Romain than Marta – or me! 



Speaking of reproducing, Adriana de Moura feels that everything in her life is complete now that she's remarry-married Frederic. Unfortunately Alex, her son, is growing up and outgrowing her. He's on his way to his first boy/girl dance at school and she is dying to chaperone. Alex, smartly remembering how late she was to her own wedding, won't let her interfere with his own evening and he tactfully tells her no before letting Frederic drive him to the dance with a friend.

Adriana chases the car down and then quickly ponders if she could stage a middle-aged pregnancy storyline next season… if they get renewed. She's on the phone with a fertility specialist and texting Frederic to pretend mourn the fact that he doesn't have a child. 

Truly though Alex is beyond adorable. Whatever is wrong with Adriana and her interesting versions of the truth, Alex seems delightful and smart. 


Moving on, Alexia Echevarria is celebrating her 10 year anniversary to Herman. They seem like a really nice couple and celebrate with a normal, simple, lovely family party with all of their children, their parents, and other relatives. And Alexia's ball gown. She recounts how Herman has saved her life and was truly a father-figure to her children. Discussing all the issues they have faced as a family from Peter's behavior, to Frankie's accident, and Frankie blurts out – their biological father and Alexia's ex. 

Everything is all non-Housewifey and uncontrived until Marysol Patton shows up. Hell, hopefully they're friends in real life and this isn't a Bravo manufactured storyline. Marysol is upset because Elsa is taking a turn for the worse and she can't imagine life without her mom. You know, I feel for Marysol – I do – but her mom is in her 80's and if her condition is that serious it probably shouldn't be on reality television. Alas, the show must go on!

Apparently Marysol wouldn't be able to get through these times without Alexia. As Marysol was weeping and writhing, Alexia was eyeing the wine and the desserts. Girl I would be keeping one eye on the prize too. She was probably also hoping to spot Herman's anniversary gift to her!

And finally, it's Lea Black's world and we're all just living in it! Because here comes the fascinating tales of The Formidable Ms. Black. Has anyone seen Auntie Mame? 

Lea grew up a girl from Waco, TX with the wilds in her eyes and a yearning to be someone and somewhere better. She skipped town the day after graduation, carrying a suitcase full of costume jewelry, some Jane Fonda leotards, and a can-do attitude! She may be a girl who grew up in a Pinto like Ana Quincoces said, but all the more interesting stories to tell. 

As it turns out Lea actually did have a semi-successful skincare company BR (pre-Roy) and she was also some sort of a fitness guru. Flashbacks to photos and videos of Lea's various infomercials, 80's electrified television appearances, and one high-cut leg bathing suit. I must say, lady was looking Dynasty-Fab! 

The interesting thing about Lea's skincare line is that officially makes her the only housewife to have any sort of cred in the industry despite all the other ladies pedaling lotions and slapping their own names on them. Right, Lisa?!


Lisa Hochstein accompanies Lea on the 'Lea Black History Tour' or Lea's attempts to dispel all the bad juju Ana bestowed upon her by making scandalous accusations about her past. It turns out that Lea has some issues, shall we say, with her childhood as she just doesn't feel connected or at home to her Waco roots.

Fembot, who thought Lea mean five-star vacation to St. Tropez when she said little-bitty town in Texas, brought enough luggage to fill a jetliner – all of it filled with the costumes she imagines Lea's rich oil barren wives friends are wearing –  which meant it all got delayed and they were forced to wait hours at the airport for it to arrive. 

RJ was not having it with Fembot's over-packing, poor time management, and flippant attitude. Luckily Lisa redeemed herself by truly trying to connect with Lea's friends and family – even if was just for show. Personally she seemed legit to me. Lisa was surprised to learn Lea had sisters. Three in fact, and unfortunately one passed away a few years ago, a hurt Lea has never resolved. It turns out that Lea always had that laugh. She was always bossy and a little hard and she's always been one to cover her emotions with diamonds – and White Diamonds perfume! Lea's family was so sweet. 

As Lea hops on the mechanical bull in the OK-Korral Bar and Grille, Home of the Loud Mouth Rib Burgers, she smacks the pseudo-bull's haunches then she pageant waves her arm to signal The Grande Dame Lea Black is ready. She glances loftily at the pot lights on the bar's ceiling, looks over at her Texas friends who stare wide-eyed and impressed, and she thinks of what her life could have been. She realizes the best damn decision she ever made was packing that Pinto and getting the hell out of dodge. Ladies, she says dismounting – that's how it's done. Now! Who needs a lesson snagging a rich bull? 

Lisa's eyes follow her across the bar and she realizes Lea is her idol… Ok, she might be kind of my idol too. Now who thinks RHOM is getting canceled but Lea is getting some sort of a spinoff? Me! Me!

Also, Lea had one helluva a good nose job! 

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