Teen Mom 2 Recap: Oh Baby…

kail lowry gives birth to Isaac

Last night on Teen Mom 2 MTV let us down massively with only grainy footage of Nathan Griffith's DUI. Nathan (and Jenelle Evans) claim that since he refused a breathalyzer Nathan wasn't actually drunk, or something. 

Before we get into all of that, Chelsea Houska is trying to be more mature with Adam Lind. Chelsea has come a long way, and the only strides Adam has made is ditching that recedehawk, because he's still a COMPLETE jerk! At Aubree's pre-school pageant he drags new baby Paislee along and is snappish to Chelsea while they do crafts with Aubree. 

Later in the car with Taylor (new baby mama with double-ee named spawn of Adam) he complains that Chelsea isn't going to get be in control of his relationship with Aubree much longer. Um… really, Dumee? Is this before or after you get in a felony car crash or ditch your daughter at your parents because you don't get your way.


Chelsea Houska Adam Lind Aubree's Preschool

Speaking of the mature amazingness that is Adam, Chelsea discovers he disconnected his phone after he was sending d–k pics to other girls and Taylor found out. Instead of giving Chelsea his new number he says she can contact him through Facebook about Aubree. Chelsea calls him "pathetic" – that's too kind a word. I call him Loser Extraordinaire Supremeo. Or Dumee.

Adam is only to be out-done by dum-duh-dum,dum-dum… DUI DADDY, Nathan! For some odd reason MTV has been painting Nathan as Mr. Perfect. Wrong! Barbara Evans is blowing his cover all over TV when she outs him, again, on not having a job and mooching off Jenelle. "What are your plans for the future," she demands gesturing to Jenelle's latest baby bump. "All you do is play video games!"

Nathan storms out with his fluffy bleached Pomeranian mohawk. Cause it's really easy to take someone seriously with that hair! I don't know why Nathan isn't honest with Barbara, I mean, duh – he does too have a plan for the future. He's gonna live off MTV's child support checks. Hellooooo!  

Nathan Griffith 3rd DUI

Of course, after stomping around puffing up his chest about he's like a personal trainer who defines the word success, Nathan gets busted for a DUI. And lo and behold, it's his third one! MTV now has TWO deadbeat daddies with 3 DUIs. Nathan gets tasered and we don't get to see nearly enough about his arrest and shenanigans – boring. Instead we are subjected to some close-up footage of Jenelle lying that she'll wait for Nathan while he's in jail. I mean she'll like just stay home and prepare for the baby. Maybe Jenelle and Nathan can just trade-off jail stints. One month she's in, next month he is…  

Jenelle promises she'll never cheat on Nathan and she definitely won't run to the very first guy who pays her any attention. I mean never! Jenelle is so desperate she'd even troll Grind.r for men. If Twitter ever develops a dating app, single straight men of the internet you are screwed. Run for cover! 

When Jenelle tells Barbara about the DUI, Barbara laughs long and hard. I hope next time she sees Nathan, Barbara gives him a slow clap and yells in his face "Good job, Nathan! You went and got yourself another DUI! Can't even keep yourself from getting in the car drunk, loser!" Karma is a bitch, and that's why it likes Jenelle so much because she deserves every single consequence. Jenelle swears she won't pay his legal fees, which of course she won't, but only because she'll be tired of Nathan at that point and paying for some other complete loser to live the highlife while Barb manages Jace.

At least they signed Jace up for karate. He needs a way to channel his mommy issues. I imagine with every punch and kick he's not saying "hiyah!" but "Mommy!" He'll be a black belt by age 5. 

Javi Marroquin, Isaac, and Lincoln

Kailyn Lowry finally gave birth to son Lincoln. After 16 hours of labor in which Javi Marroquin barely noticed because our Snuffy was only slightly more grouchy and complaint-laden than usual. Before she went into labor Kail called Javi a stupid moron because he didn't paint the nursery perfectly – even though she messed up the paint too. #KailPeopleProblems. 

I do feel bad for Kail, because her mom Suzi, of course let her down again. While Kail was in labor Suzi was drunk-texting and drunk-dialing her all night and the next day. Kail decided she did not want her mom to come stay with them (whew!) because she has enough stress with a newborn and a toddler. Poor Kail. 

Lincoln is adorable and Isaac is so excited to be a big brother. Isaac is the cutest little guy! Javi is totally in love with being a father and Kail is only marginally obnoxious about how Javi is doing everything wrong. I mean the first thing she said when she walked into the house with the new baby is what a disgusting pigsty it was. Ahhh… Kail, don't change girl. 

Leah Messer Simms Calvert I wish I was Simms Again is having marital problems. That's Leah's whole life! Jeremy is finally home but while he was working, Leah was texting Corey and apparently some of the texts were inappropriate of nature. Leah begs Jeremy to get therapy and promises since she's already taken a ride on Corey's disco stick and she ain't goin back a third time. I mean she cheated once, that's true, but that was sooooo in the past. She's grown now. Like promise. 

Leah Calvert, Corey Simms, Jeremy Calvert Twins Cheerleading Practice

Jeremy agrees to get counseling. And Leah resumes texting Corey in secret. They meet to exchange mail concerning Ali's condition. Both Corey and Leah admit the miss being a family – kinda – and it was circumstances that drove them apart. I wish Corey would have reminded Leah that she caused those circumstances, but he probably didn't want Miss Too Ridic To Quit to run over him with a car. He worked too hard for that big ol' beard to wreck things now! 

What Leah and Jeremy are not getting is that Corey misses seeing his girls everyday – girls that do not include Leah. Nobody would miss her hen-pecking, whining, nagging ways! Sure enough Corey, Leah, and Jeremy take the girls to cheer practice, Corey and Jeremy used their best manners to get along but when they got in the car Leah ragged on Jeremy for being "too nice" to Corey. She accused them of ganging up on her because they were joking about the girls playing softball. Oh please! Has the hair dye corroded her brain? Did she ever have a brain? #RhetoricalQuestion

Jeremy – you don't need counseling. Well you do, but only because you hitched your nut to Leah. But Leah you need to go move into some sort of psych hospital and not emerge for a good, long while! Girl – you do not get it! 

Later Leah and Jeremy again talk about how his job is the major issue in their relationship. If Jeremy didn't want to go and provide for Leah's high-maintenance hair she wouldn't be testing out Corey again! Leah tells Jeremy over and over again that she loves him, but she wants him to act more connected to them while he's working. I don't think that's unreasonable, but I do think Leah's approach and communication skills (along with her fashion-sense and that black coal dirt she has under her eyes) are totally unreasonable! 

[Photo Credit: MTV]



PS – this is a picture Aubree drew of her and Chelsea. I love the rendering of Chelsea's hair! Brilliant, Aubree! I can't wait to see her "Adam".