Ladies Of London Recap: Serpents

Noelle at Serpentine Gallery

Last night on Ladies of London the famewhores separated from the literal ladies (as in titled ladies) and the cream rose to the top, while the rest skimmed through the tabloids. 

It's the seasonal opening of the Serpentine Gallery which is compared to the Oscars, as in the British version of, but I think it's mostly similar to our MET Gala. You know the one Kim Kardashian attended wearing a sofa from 1985. Anyway, she hasn't besmirched the British equivalent yet, but give her time and also there are many in her stead. For instance, Caprice who wore a dress bedecked with sequined cockroaches. 

Oh Caprice. Caprice has found herself in an intriguing predicament. She is currently 7 months pregnant, but since she believed she was incapable of carrying a child she hired a surrogate in the states – and that surrogate is 8 months pregnant! At the same time Caprice got pregnant naturally. So Caprice is pretty much having twins from different mothers. She is thrilled for a couple reasons: 1) the obvious delight of having two children 2) the obvious delight of being able to sell these stories to the press for top dollar. 


Caprice decided she wanted to beat the press so to speak by getting her side of the story heard before the media slanders her and starts spreading salacious gossip about where this second mystery baby came from. She sells the story to a tabloid and then a few more run with it. The response spreads like wildfire because it's such a weird story and Caprice is apparently the Madonna of Britain. She boasts that she beat Kate Middleton for the cover. Strangely Caprice didn't bother to tell her friends that she was airing this secret so they're all shocked to see the story. Annabelle Nielson calls with concern over whether or not these babies are real? Does she understand surrogates carry real people? 

Caprice breezily relays that she chose to sell the story so she could get it out there "her way". Caroline Stanbury is disgusted by this notion and feels that Caprice is selling out her unborn children and has distaste for the whole affair of making your life tabloid fodder. She entertains a distant relationship with the press and sticks to exploiting herself through reality TV. 

In other unsavory situations Noelle Reno is still dealing with the pseudo impoverished and seedy Scot. Scot has just returned from another round of court in his never-ending divorce and Noelle is growing tired of his scandals affecting her good standing in the media. She just needs some good PR dammit! She's also tired of playing poor and wants the Scot she met back to wine and dine her – you know the one who wasn't fake declaring bankruptcy to get out of alimony. Noelle has permanent stinkface and her face has definitely frozen that way. She also is in desperate need of a good makeup artist. 

With a disgusted expression on her face Noelle tirelessly reiterates that she is so not a gold-digger. Oh no, she sees Scot as a investment. See he is poor now, but if she sticks around long enough eventually he'll be rich again, except he'll always be sleazy! Not that Noelle is any better. "You can't help who you fall in love with," an emotionless Noelle sneers.

Because of Scot's scandal Noelle must search for apartments to rent as they are not allowed to get married. Scot wants her to get a place big enough for both of them. She sighs, 'but that means you'll be around alot. You'll be like there,' /bitch face.

In honor of the Serpentine event Marissa Hermer decides to host a pre-party at one of her husband Matt's bars. He apparently owns several hotspots which Marissa brags about that her amazing hospitality PR skills bring to life. I don't know what exactly she does because when they show her AT the bar it seems like she's never been there and is timidly ordering food and drinks that she seems like she's never heard of before. Me thinks Marissa's job is sitting at home drinking tea, trying desperately to be Caroline

Juliet Angus, who is unabashed about her American-ness and her desire to feel important and relevant joins Marissa for lunch where they discuss the upcoming Serpentine event. Marisa's husband is providing the drinks which means she'll be walking the red carpet solo for the first time. And Juliet, the worst dressed fashion PR exec ever, will be dressing several A-list clients. Names withheld. These two annoy me. They try too hard. They're not particularly interesting, they want to be funny and whimsical and their friendship is insincere. 

There are other dramas in the permanently unhappy world of Noelle. Scot, stupid loser Scot with the missing t, did not secure tickets to the Serpentine. And now the event is sold out and booked to capacity. Sadly because Scot is no longer rich nor important enough to be someone no amount of calling around can convince someone to make an exception. Marissa still invites Noelle and Scot to her pre-party and says she'll call around and see if there is any way possible they can get in. Marissa says she needs to attend this event because she needs to get some good PR. For what? What does she need any PR for? What is her career? She's a former model looking for a rich husband. One needs good press for that?

Noelle and Scot go and look at a perfectly lovely flat that rents for about $6,500 pounds per month. Noelle sneers at everything and calls it "grandma" she is disgusted that Scot would bring her here, to this ghetto hovel. Something about Noelle is just… grimy. Her hair is fried, her makeup is a mess, her lip job is wonky, and her personality reeks. And she's never happy. Outside the apartment from hell which I would gladly live in, Marissa calls with more bad news – she could not get tickets. Noelle decides to get dressed up in the Caroline Herrera the broke Scot bought her and go to Marissa's event anyway. 

At Caroline's house she's having tea with her husband while her three children run amok in the living room. Caroline has three-year-old twins and an older child. Upon learning she was having the twins she called her Housewife to congratulate her on the new arrivals. Code: Caroline will be doing minimal mothering while she conducts her luxury (creme de la creme supremo A-List) concierge business and swans around in uncomfortable diamond-soled shoes. "Your life is so hard," Caroline's husband chuckles. Still – Caroline is beguiling. Over breakfast Caroline's husband informs her that he will be out of the country for Serpentine so she'll have to go alone. Well, not alone… but all by her lonesome with LoL co-stars. Caroline feels faintly ill, but then realizes she can just ditch them once she gets inside! 

On the night of the Serpentine no one wants to attend Marissa's pre-party except Marissa who wants to feel important. She wears an ill-fitted gown with the wrong shoes and a giant beehive that looks beauty school drop-out and is sprayed with shellac. She is thrilled to walk the carpet alone and finally standout in the London scene. Juliet shows up in some obscure designer she represents and complains about all the A-listers she has been dressing tonight that have been impossible to deal with. Names not revealed, of course. <eye roll>. Juliet's gown looks like an Anthropologie bedspread. 

Noelle spends the day at the salon, then getting her makeup done, and strapping on her borrowed gown and complaining that she can't even attend the event courtesy of Scot and his bad standing with society. She loves him though /bitch face. Over drinks she blames him yet again for failing to get her a ticket. At Marissa's she sulks and continues to blame Scot for ruining her opportunity to get good press. 

Caroline swans in, all covered in sequins made from real diamonds, and telling the funny anecdote of how she attended a birthday party for a friend which featured a surprise Elton John concert – and she has to go to an event tomorrow where Elton will be playing. Marissa chokes on her jealousy, and thankfully choking is silent so Caroline wasn't aware. But Noelle affixes Caroline with a deathly stare and this is rapidly turning Lifetime Movie. Me thinks Noelle and Marissa are going to SWF Caroline and try to fight for her gets to assume her couture skin. 

However, Caroline saves herself when she reveals herself as Noelle's serpentinan fairy godmother because she has an extra ticket. However there is only one, so either Scot or Noelle can attend as Caroline's date. Before Scot can even say thank you Noelle announces that she will be accepting the ticket. Scot will be staying behind at the bar to get his life and bankruptcy in order while Noelle will be taking one for the team to generate positive press for them. And hopefully she'll meet an eligible bachelor while this is taking place. 

Caprice At Serpentine Gallery

Then Caprice arrives in her cockroaches and Annabelle in her custom-made McQueen from the archives. She doesn't say much but stares down the dreadful Americans and tries not to touch anything Noelle touched for fear it may be catching. When Caprice scuttles in, Caroline pointedly ignores her while she talks about how important it was to get her story about the surrogacy out there before the press defiled her. 

As they make their way to the event Caroline and Annabelle glide quickly through the press line, posing briefly to promote their gowns. The other girls loiter and pose. Juliet launches on any celebrity she sees while they try to disentangle them self from the overly eager upstart American. And Caprice spends the entire evening outside chatting with the news screws about her very interesting life.

Noelle sighs as she describes Caprice as her idol and talks about how much she admires the positive press situation she has created for herself. And all the attention Caprice gets. Then she tells us it was nice that she herself got some positive press attending this event. Meanwhile Scot sips champagne alone at the bar and waits for Noelle to pick him up. He was waiting for days. When she finally shows up, she glares at him and snaps, 'I was getting positive press! There was a long line. I was doing something vital. Did you get your life together yet?'

[Photo Credits: Bravo]