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On last night’s episode of Game of Crowns, Lynne Diamante celebrates her 15th wedding by creeping everyone out with live gargoyles, Vanassa Sebastian drags some of the ladies along to her breast cancer awareness charity walk, and Leha Guilmette decides to finally bite back at the blue-haired beast that is Lynne Diamante.   

We’re back at Shelley Carbone’s house in Newport, RI, where she has just told Lynne she won’t be attending her 15th wedding vow renewal.  Lynne is having a toddler meltdown while Vanassa is upstairs applying extra shellac to her face.  Shelley is annoyed that Lynne is guilt-tripping her about not attending Lynne’s blessed event (which happens every year) as Lynne starts to whine and cry about her 15th wedding being a “new beginning” for her.  She breaks down in some pageant tears which Vanassa describes as Oscar-worthy.  Razzie-worthy, more like.  Vanassa jumps on the pity party bandwagon and directs her guilt-tripping toward Lori-Ann, who promptly tells Vanassa to screw off, then walks away.  I like her style.  

Vanassa chases after Lori-Ann Marchese to discuss her hurt feelings AGAIN while Lori-Ann cries angry tears, packs up the car and tells her that she’s sick of the drama, she’s too old for it (take a hint, other much-older pageant gals!), and – ick! – accepts a double hug from Vanassa and Susanna Paliotta.  Run, Lori-Ann, run!!  Susanna interviews that Vanassa uses her charity events as a ploy to get her way, which is: Yup.  Lori-Ann notes that when dealing with someone like Vanassa, sometimes you just have to smile and nod your head, then walk away.  Dealing with Crazy People 101: check.

Over in Cranston, Leha is taking her daughter Sophia for a pony ride.  Awwww.  Leha grew up riding horses and wants to be in her happy place after all of the hoo-ha going on with Lynne back in pageant world.  Reminder: Lynne recently hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on Leha’s family.  What dirt, who knows.  
At Shelley’s house, she’s making muffins with her kids as Vanassa calls her to recap the awful weekend in Newport and to apologize (wow!).  She’s also manipulatively graciously rearranged her charity walk speech to occur in the morning so Shelley can wake up at the crack of 5am to attend her event, while still skedaddling it over to Lynne’s wedding by afternoon.  What a friend!  

Meanwhile over at Lynne’s house, she is trying on random crowns and organizing sashes.  #lawyerhobbies  Lynne wants to wear crowns all of the time.  She and her husband Giulio cuddle up to look at their enormous wedding album (wedding #1, that is – not 7, 4, 12, or 3) and Lynne reminisces about their arranged marriage and her Celine Dion-inspired wedding dress.  For wedding #15, Lynne wants to honor her father’s Lebanese heritage with the theme of an enchanted garden, complete with gargoyles.  If you can make sense of this connection, please do.  As for me, I’ve checked rational thought at the door for this 43-minute episode.  Giulio tells Lynne what a wonderful wife she is while she snuggles into him, her crown stabbing him in the face.
It’s the day of the dueling events!  Vanassa versus Lynne.  Shelley’s alarm goes off at 4:30am and she schleps herself to event #1 because she can do anything: “I’m Mrs. America, for crying out loud!” she exclaims.  At Vanassa’s charity walk, she gives a speech in the dark of morning.  She interviews that no pageant crown is more important than the invisible crown she wears everyday as a cancer survivor.  Vanassa’s husband Brian starts bitching at mile one of the walk.  Only 25 more to go!  Shelley begins to realize how exhausted she’s going to be in 9 hours, when Lynne’s wedding #15 is juuuuuust beginning.  Shelley exits the walk just as Leha and her kids arrive to finish up the last .3 miles.  Vanassa is happy someone else is thinking of her, supporting her, looking at her, talking about her, and worshiping her.  So, good job Leha.  

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Back at wedding-prep central, Susanna and daughter Bella join Lynne and daughter Giulia to start the long road toward making themselves look gargoyle-worthy.  The “Lynnetourage” is assembled to get the job done.   Shelley shows up with a hilarious headscarf/babushka to join the party.  Lori-Ann shows up and good-naturedly gets draped in the getup Lynne has provided for her.  She’s says she’s covered in glitter, she’s got jewelry on her head, there’s butterflies and gargoyles everywhere…but if it makes Lynne happy, then she’ll take one for the team.  Once Lynne is bedecked in her 15th wedding dress, her mother cries when she sees her daughter for the 15th time as a 15th bride.  It’s so special.  

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Outside at the ceremony, Giulio waits among people dressed as gargoyles who are perching everywhere and doing strange and suggestive things with their hands.  When I visited a Middle Eastern country two years ago, I must have missed this essential aspect of the culture.  Lynne walks down the aisle for the 15th time to her awaiting groom.  As Shelley attempts to read the poem Lynne has assigned her, she’s thoroughly creeped out by the gargoyles waving at her and flubs her lines.  Lori-Ann takes the mic next to share some “wisdom about butterflies” and cues the release of an assortment of imprisoned butterflies from their respective hatboxes.  At least 2 butterflies get trapped in Lynne’s huge bouffant hairdo and I think these 2 innocent creatures are the real victims here.  They did nothing wrong to deserve this horrid turn of events in their short lives.  

 At the reception, Susanna keeps reminding everyone that they may not say Vanassa’s name today, as it has been labeled a swear word.  Doesn’t she realize that Voldemort just grows more powerful if the witches aren’t allowed to speak his name??  #harrypotterpageantlessons  Lori-Ann is annoyed at the childish behavior surrounding her because she is more mature than any of the middle-aged women she is forced to hang out with.  Lynne is draped with a sash over her wedding dress just to feel a little more pageant-queeny than her gigantic hairdo and super-poof dress afford.  I have to wonder, does she have a cuchini on under that dress?  Just for kicks?   

At Leha’s home, she gets a call from Vanassa.  Leha tells Vanassa that Lynne has pushed all of her proverbial buttons, has messed with her family for the last time, and that she has to put a stop to it.  She says, “In a couple of days, the truth will come out.”  I can only assume from previews that a couple of days is the requisite time it takes to serve Lynne with an official restraining order.  Vanassa assures Leha that she’s on her team while Lynne dances happily at her 15th wedding among the smarmy gargoyles, none the wiser about the sh*tstorm coming her way…which she caused.    

On next week’s GOC, we’re taken back to the pageant circuit, Lynne gets restraining-ordered, and then she cries a lot.  


Recap Author: Erin M.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

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