Game Of Crowns - Season 1

This episode of Game of Crowns brought us back to the pageant-prep circuit. Leha Guilmette serves Lynne Diamante with a cold hard restraining order, Vanassa Sebastian gets a clean bill of health, and Lori-Ann Marchese convinces her husband that fitness and pageants are more important than having babies right now, thankyouverymuch. While we’ve barely recovered from Lynne’s 15th wedding a-la-gargoyle, onward and upward we must go, my friends!

Susanna Paliotta and Lynne are ready to be crowned as the next Mrs. Rhode Island U.S. and Mrs. Massachusetts U.S., respectively. These are the titles they won through the mail, according to Vanassa’s intel. Susanna shows up looking like she got caught in one of those toilet-paper wedding dresses that brides-to-be get at their showers, except it’s pink, while Lynne is wearing her best crushed velour. Susanna interviews that the Mrs. United States pageants are the Princeton of pageants. I’ll just let that sink in a moment. Lynne addresses the fact that she and Susanna DID mail in a fee and an application for the titles they are about to receive, so I guess Vanassa wasn’t off the mark on this one. The ceremonial crowning takes place in a wood-paneled back room of an IHOP and the audience consists of twelve hapless sad sacks who mean mug the ladies during the entire shebang. Princeton has really gone downhill as of late.

At Vanassa’s house, she hosts Shelley Carbone and Leha for some fruit parfaits and gossip. Vanassa interviews that the next competition she intends to win is called “Legends of the Crown.” And…bwaahahaha! Ok, I’m ok now. Really. Susanna and Lynne will be competing in the Legends pageant as well since their mail-order crowns now entitle them to enter. This pageant is only for previous title holders, you see. Leha confesses to Shelley and Vanassa that Lynne hired a private investigator to follow her family under the charge that Leha and Nick have been harassing her. Vanassa is shocked that Lynne could go to such lengths of vindictiveness when she could have just torn Leha’s pageant dress or hid her shoes, like a lady. Vanassa proceeds to eat a gigantic glob of yogurt and Splenda while Leha drops the bombshell that she’s obtained a restraining order against Lynne. If Lynne violates the order twice, she will spend 90 days in jail. The ladies appear dismayed, but get over the news quickly when Leha discusses competing in the upcoming Legends pageant, thereby barring Lynne from the same competition. Hmmm. Maybe restraining orders are the next bold move in pageant strategy? Shelley considers competing too, but fears that she can only go downhill from being crowned Mrs. America.

Cut to Lynne’s home, where she bawls hysterically as her husband Giulio applies a blood pressure cuff to her arm (wtf!?) and Susanna looks on with pity/concern. Lynne interviews that she flat out never hired a private investigator and that Leha is playing a dangerous game. Lynne reads from Leha’s statement (included with the restraining order paperwork) in which Leha says she’s afraid that Lynne will harm her, even going so far as to “put something” in her drink. #cuchiniflavoredcosmo Lynne babbles something about having a team of lawyers and being a lawyer herself while Susanna interviews that it seems Nick is behind this restraining order business more than Leha. Susanna then describes Nick with the following acronym that isn’t even an acronym: Narcissistic Idiot That Needs to Calm Down. NITNCD. Or NICK.

Five days until the Legends pageant. Over at Shelley’s house she and her mother discuss why she doesn’t want to enter the upcoming pageant. We learn that Shelley’s mom secretly entered her in the original Mrs. Connecticut pageant after Shelley miscarried her fifth child and was in a dark emotional place. Shelley interviews that the pageant ended up healing her and she went on to win Mrs. America afterward. Awww, that’s a sweet moment between Shelley and her mom. Alas, today it’s an adamant “no” from Shelley on entering the Legends pageant. Her mom seems disappointed.

In Lori-Ann’s world, we get a tour of her no-furniture-no-decorations-house. Her husband John is ready to have babies #1 and #2, but Lori-Ann is happy with an empty house, fitness pageants, and her cat. She is concerned about her shelf life as a fitness competitor and is in no rush to get knocked up.

Vanassa and her family are traveling to her yearly checkup to make sure she is still cancer-free. She says that the drama between Lynne and Leha is nothing compared to what she goes through in real life and that they should get over it. I have to wonder if Vanassa’s denial of her own role in the massive drama of this group is real or fake? I also wonder if ice melts when it gets warmer. Vanassa’s appointment goes well and she gets the ok to get reconstructive breast surgery to regain the “tight and right” symmetry her boobies deserve.

Lori-Ann is getting all made up to be on her 7th cover of a fitness magazine and Shelley has come along for support…oh, and to get new head shots herself (hmmm…is she entering the Legends pageant after all…??). Lori-Ann is happy that someone is finally entering her world of fitness because she has thrown herself into their pageant world – and lived to tell about it – enough already. Lori-Ann is in her HAWT MOWMENT, she reminds us. She does not want a baby, she says for the 100th time. (Do you hear her, John? I do.) Shelley comments that “not for nothing, but” Lori-Ann’s fitness bathing suit is smaller than some of Shelley’s jewelry. #nodiapershere The ladies AGAIN discuss the Legends pageant and Shelley AGAIN denies wanting to be part of it. But she interviews that oh-my-gosh-everyone-is-just-pushing-me-to-compete-so-teeeheeheee!-maybe-I-should! Something smells phony here, and it’s not just the hair pieces and butt glue.

Shelley, who of course suddenly makes the “tough decision” to enter the Legends pageant (a decision made within FOUR DAYS of the pageant itself – uh, okay. I’ll bite.) is now heading to her interview coach (hired just moments after the tough decision, I’m sure) to brush up on her answers about world peace. The renowned interview coach gives her important and shrewd advice like: tell the judges your first name, say “good morning,” and answer the questions. This is million dollar advice, people. I hope he’s not charging a penny less for these gems.  

In a Botox clinic nearby, Vanassa encourages Leha to get her forehead frozen in solidarity with the rest of the gang. Leha complies. And somewhere, a tiny angel falls from the sky. Leha discusses how security will have to come on stage at the Legends pageant if she and Lynne both compete and make the top 10. Please, God, let this actually happen.

Meanwhile, Susanna and her oldest daughter Victoria visit her stylist Tony at his gown store to discuss the latest Lynne-vs-Leha mess. She claims that she’s seen a lot of evil in her life, but this situation is the most evil of all. I’d argue that I’ve seen a lot of weddings in my life, but Lynne’s 15th was the gargoyle that broke the camel’s back. Victoria prophetically announces that, “Well, someone’s gonna get arrested.” Yes, but not until he hauls off a chomps on another guy’s ear! <cough cough, Nick> Susanna then tries on a thousand ugly gowns. Nothing new to report on that front. After getting a text from Lynne announcing that Leha has hired a security team for the Legends pageant, Susanna loses her marbles about how “This is making a mockery of pageants!!” and “I am Mrs. Rhode Island States!!” and…ugh. The mockery of pageants has been made in a million ways since this show began. The mockery has jumped the shark. The mockery got bored and left the building, in fact, like three episodes ago.

We end up back at Lynne’s house where Giulio is taking Lynne’s blood pressure again because Lynne claims the restraining order stress has aggravated a pre-existing heart condition and her health is at risk, people! Gasp! Lynne suggests that someone admit her to the hospital. OMG. I concur with Lynne’s suggestion. Yes, let’s please admit her to some sort of court-ordered psychiatric medical facility at once. Despite very, very serious health concerns, Lynne is still determined to compete in the upcoming Legends pageant – restraining order, security team, and slightly elevated blood pressure be damned!

On next week’s GOC, we’re treated to the elite event itself: Legends of the Crown. Where it all goes down.  


Recap Author: Erin M.

Photo Credit: Bravo

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