Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap – A Housewarming Gets Chilly

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

We’re three episodes in on The Real Housewives of Melbourne and it’s Botox Time!  Janet Roach and Jackie Gillies visit Andrea Moss’s skin spa for a touch-up on Botox.  However, while Andrea is far too young for it, Janet’s bringing her along to see what the whole procedure is actually like.  Andrea’s husband, the plastic surgeon, injects her and Jackie can’t believe how painful it looks.  For Janet, this is as usual as getting her eyebrows waxed.  Jackie is chirping in the background about how great her body is and with her European skin that she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever need it. They rehash Jackie’s convo with Gina and Jackie decides to be the bigger person and invite Gina Liano to her housewarming party.

Lydia Schiavello and Andrea shop for a housewarming gift for Jackie’s party. Lydia invites Andrea to her ski home for a chance to get away and Andrea admits she’s never been away from her family for a night.  Really? With the 5 rotating nannies and all? Never? I’m having a hard time believing this.  Lydia mentions that she’s inviting Jackie too and all the blood drained out of Andrea’s face. Andrea immediately asks how long this trip will be and mumbles under her breath and eye rolls that she’ll have to get nannies and what not.  It appears that Andrea is not too keen on Jackie joining the gang for the weekend getaway.  

Lydia heads to Gina’s new apartment to discuss her interior design ideas for the place.  Gina acknowledges that Lydia’s style is a bit “earthy” and hers is a bit “glitzy” so if they can mesh the two together (I’m envisioning bedazzled reclaimed wood coffee tables) it will strike a happy balance.  Gina notes that it really will be a bachelor pad for her sons so she would like the fabric on the couches and chairs to be able to withstand stains.  Or hamburger meat.  Or cigarette burns.  Or semen stains (Of course Lydia went THERE. gross).  You know, the usual riff raff from boys.
Enough talk about semen=soaked sofas.  Gina wants to talk to Lydia about her little coffee spat with Jackie and Lydia’s face screams “oh $hit”.  Gina would like to just clarfiy that she does feel Jackie is legit, she just doesn’t think the crap about her boyfriend was true.  Coincidentally, Gina tells Lydia that she broke up with her partner, George Glass,who lives like 8,000 miles away.  Again, Gina is JUST realizing this? After 8 years of being geographically not compatible, she happens to throw the towel in now and it has nothing to do with Jackie? I’m calling BS!  
Back at Jackie and Ben’s house, they are meeting with their party planners (because they are both SOOO busy, still not sure what they do all day) for the big housewarming shindig.  They’ve decided on a Mexican theme and according to Ben (who is evolving into a caricature of himself) it’s because Mexican themes are crazy and have tequila and Ben looks like a Mexican, so let’s par-tay!!
As Jackie is reviewing the event protocol with these two hapless souls that are her planners, she wants them to be aware that they are working for rock stars (Can we please play a drinking game for future episodes where you take a swig whenever Jackie says “rock stars”?  You will not be able to operate any machinery afterwards as you will be blacked out). International rock stars will be invited too! And they’ll actually be there! The food comes out to taste and as Jackie is munching on apps the planners note that they can accommodate gluten free, allergies, etc.  Jackie proclaims that allergy stuff is crap and they are just probably dieting.  oh dear.  The chef is describing the next dish and Jackie interrupts with, “Where is your accent from?” He states, “South Africa” and she replies with, “Oh, Zimbabwe?” and he dryly responds with, “No (you idiot), South Africa”.  Jackie laughs it off with “meh, same continent!”.  Oh. dear. God.  
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At the airport hangar, Lydia and her husband, Ben are off to the ski house. Lydia loves to fly and they fly everywhere on their plane.  They fly to Thredbo in the Winter to ski, Byron Bay to get some sun and in case they need a good brick of cheddar cheese, they fly to King Island.  I cannot believe that I’m actually typing that Lydia said they fly somewhere to get cheese.  Then they stock up on cheese as if Russia going to bomb their house. I love cheese, but this couldn’t have been a snobbier scene if it wanted to be.  Lydia is awful.
Later on, at Capital Kitchen (Chyka Keebaugh’s restaurant),  Jackie meets up with Chyka for some advice about launching her cocktail brand.  While Chyka is giving some great branding advice and explaining how she got her start, Jackie begins to inform Chyka that her business acumen stems from an inspirational board. A literal Styrofoam board with cutouts of pink diamonds and rock stars and mansions.  You see, these are Jackie’s dreams and whatever she puts on this board comes to fruition. Chyka is all, “Say what???!!”.  Chyka has busted her butt for 20+ years in the food and beverage industry and she has very little faith that Jackie’s drink line with go further than her kitchen.  Jackie is confident and perhaps too confident which is starting to become her downfall.  
Gina meets Andrea to catch-up and we learn that Gina had survived abdominal cancer years ago.  Gina wants to make things right with Jackie and if she has to talk to her husband to do so, then so be it.  
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Ay Caramba!  Jackie’s party day is here and it’s amazing and I have a feeling all the women will be so excited to meet her husband (who’s a rock star by the way!).  Jackie does what any tasteful host does and opens all the hostess gifts in front of people.  Chyka gives her a box of spices and nuts from her restaurant (tacky that it was her own stuff btw), Lydia and Andrea give them feather headdresses (surprisingly, I really liked this gift for Jackie and Ben), Janet gives them a cross and Gina gives her knockoff Tiffany jewelry (huh?).  Hilarious!  It’s not long before Jackie starts the whole Gina thing again with Andrea and Lydia.  Jackie tells Lydia that Gina said Lydia was lying (Still with me?).  Lydia slurs that is horse$hit and she told Jackie the truth. Something smells fishy and it’s not the passed hors d’oeuvres in the sardine cans. 
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God bless Ben.  He tries to casually bring up the disagreement between Gina and Jackie to both of them and it doesn’t go over well.  Jackie drags Lydia into it and forces either Gina or Lydia to fess up.  Neither admit to being wrong and it’s a moot point by now.  Jackie and Gina agree to disagree but Gina is peeved that Lydia broke Girl Code and spilled the beans to Jackie.  
Next week, Lydia, Andrea and Jackie go skiing while Gina and Chyka help Janet get cougar ready for her date with a 35-year old!


Recap Author: Bonnie K.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV