The Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap – Ladies Who Lunch


This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Chyka Keebaugh and her husband Bruce getting away for romantic date night out and it’s adorable how in love they are after 25 years of marriage.  These two are best friends and I can’t get enough of their authentic relationship.  Chyka briefs Bruce about Jackie Gillies and her husband Ben’s alcohol line idea and he graciously notes how tough the business is but wishes them the best of luck (Chyka and Bruce are a class act!).  Following dinner, Bruce surprises Chyka with a rented out carnival park so they can enjoy the rides like they did back in the day.  Again, I love Bruce. 

Next we find Janet Roach visiting her jeweler to pick up her melted down old engagement rings into one ginormous ring.  Here’s the thing with her bling that confuses me a bit- it looks like an engagement ring.  I thought her goal was to get this ring that signified her life of independence and a new start.  I just didn’t think getting a replica engagement ring was her angle.  It strikes me as odd. 


Moving on, Jackie is headed over to an art studio to meet with her husband, Ben and they literally maul each other’s faces as they make-out in the doorway when he greets her.  Barf.  I hate seeing people make-out.  Ben surprises Jackie with a creative art idea as the brand for their liquor line, La Mascara (I can’t understand at all what the name of the company is so this is my best guess.  Mascara.  yes.  Ok, I just Googled it and…I’m correct!  Damn, I’m good with accents.).  When they are done spray-painting flowers and gluing them to the canvas around the Chiquita Banana lady’s face, Jackie gets overcome with emotion.  Basically, she’s super excited that item 1 (off of a 782-item How to Start a Business checklist, by the way) is complete and her vision is starting to become a reality. 


Later that night, the ladies meet up for drinks and cake to celebrate Janet’s birthday.  Andrea (again, with the wickedly horrendous hair) and Jackie arrive first and then Janet, Gina Liano and Chyka follow.  Janet immediately shows off her monstrosity of a ring.  Meanwhile, for some ridiculous reason, Andrea feels the need to bring up the whole Gina/Jackie argument to the group again.  Ugh, why??!!! This has NOTHING to with Andrea Moss.  Andrea’s beef is that she felt it was inappropriate of Gina to talk to Jackie about their fight at Jackie’s home.  But before she even brings anything up, Andrea slyly takes a poll of the ladies to see if they like to hear constructive criticism from friends.  The group responds with yes, but if it’s done in private and/or appropriately.  Then, contradicting her entire point (Janet- you are spot on!), Andrea calls out Gina in front of everyone and is all, “Gina, that was shitty of you to start an argument with Jackie at Jackie’s house in front of everyone.  Stop being a lawyer 24/7! God!”.  Janet rolls her eyes and is like, “WTF Andrea?  You’re bitching at Gina for doing exactly what you’re doing now!” (Still with me?). 

Gina and Janet excuse themselves to use the bathroom because now Andrea has ruined Janet’s birthday and c’mon!!  Turns out from video clips, Ben actually started all the crap at Jackie’s party and jeesh – who cares anymore?!!  I can normally drag out Housewife fights for weeks and weeks, but this is dragging.  Besides Janet wants to show off her ring, dammit and this is cramping her style. She ends up hauling the crew to The Love Machine (A drag queen nightclub that her son happens to own and run – I love this about Janet) which is also Gina’s calling home.  They all dance the night away!

Shifting gears, Andrea is writing a book about balancing it all as a working mom.  She’s meeting a focus group of women that are just that, working moms.  Let me tell you, it goes south fast.  She starts off by informing the group of women that her secret is essentially an excel spreadsheet that she enforces like an iron-clad prenup.  It’s a checklist for her nanny to do every day.  The women of the focus group start giving feedback like “You don’t cook or clean? When do you spend time with the kids? Why did you even have kids if you’re going to outsource every damn thing to nannies?” and so on.  These are all excellent points.  Then Andrea drops the bomb that she doesn’t consider nannies part of her family, hell, they can’t even kiss the kids on the mouth in case her nannies spread herpes to her kids (Suggestion :: As crazo as this sound, screen nannies for STDs prior to hiring).  Literally, all the women’s mouths drop to the floor, like “What the??!! Who is this lady??!!”.  Andrea can’t seem to understand that this is a terrible sign for the success of book, but F-it! Andrea wants to people to read her book as these ladies must not understand, they just aren’t organized.  Huh??!!!

Across town, Janet and Gina meet up for drinks to hash out Janet’s bday and Andrea’s ‘tude.  They come to the conclusion that since the ski trip to Thredbo, Andrea, Lydia Schiavello and Gina’s relationship has changed.  Janet lets it loose that she full-on hates Lydia and thinks she’s a total moron.  Again, I love Janet. 

Now we are in Andrea’s home having cheese and tea with Jackie.  Andrea lets Jackie know that Janet called her and fessed up about her bathroom powwow with Gina the other night.  Apparently, Gina was dropping the f-bomb about Andrea and negatively talking about Andrea’s book.  Andrea gets wind of this and straight up calls Gina on the phone is all, “Gina, i know you were talking smack to Janet in loo about me and my book, what’s up with that?” And Gina is like, “Chillax Andrea! I wasn’t even talking about you! I was bitching about Lydia and her dumb book”.  (Still with me?).  So now, Andrea is like – ugh, I guess I have to have a tennis party with all the ladies and get this sorted out.  Oh jeez!!

Segue to Lydia at a gallery with a friend buying art.  This is sequence could not be more hilarious, painful and sad to watch at the same time.  Lydia is compelled to make it known that she loves art – all kinds of art (new art, contemporary artists, abstract, etc).  The gallery consists of 5 pieces of art – a bear, a panther, a square, a circle and tree painted and soaked in colored glitter.  Lydia continues to show off her artsy knowledge that came across so fabricated. It’s like she read a blurb in Vogue about art and now repeats it out-loud to anyone that will listen.  It’s sounds contrived and just awkward.  She’s trying too hard.  Like the whole flying the plane thing with her husband a few weeks back.  She had ZERO clue how to fly a plane and her husband slapped her hand if she touched any buttons on the control board.  But she insisted she loves flying planes, blah blah blah.  No you love sitting in a private plane when someone is flying.  You don’t know squat about art, you just love telling people it costs $50K and it’s name after Mona Lisa from you know, the Louvre.  In Paris.  Duh.  I would like her more if she would just own that about herself.

Janet and Jackie meet at a charity luncheon. Janet clarifies that this is for ladies who lunch.  We get it Janet, thanks!  After assessing the scene, Jackie declares that she wouldn’t hang out with anyone there in a million years and doesn’t feel this is really her.  Afterwards, Jackie pulls Janet aside to get the scoop on her bathroom chat with Gina from the night earlier and Janet is all, “We didn’t talk about anything!  I miiight have poked fun at Lydia’s attempt at writing a book about vaginas, but that’s it”.  So, it looks like Andrea heard wrong it wasn’t about her terrible book. Phew, glad we cleared that up.  Jackie still smells a skunk and will most likely bring this up at Andrea’s tennis party next week.

Get excited for next week’s episode as we get to see Gina play in a foursome on the tennis court in 5-inch fuchsia heels! 


Recap Author: Bonnie K.

 Photo Credit: Bravo TV