Secrets and Wives Recap: Flock of Sea-Gals


If last night’s Secrets and Wives revealed anything, it’s that the men in this circle are bloody awful. And the women who love them appear clueless. But when a Fire Island trip brings the women together during which tempers flare, these ladies show how to get over a reality TV fight in 3.5 seconds, which is more than I can say for the Real Housewives of any city on the planet. 

We pick up at Cori Goldfarb’s party, where Susan Doneson’s husband Jonathan is making an absolute drunken fool of himself, verbally abusing his hostess with such gems as “Shut the f*k up!” Cori breaks down in tears when Susan is unable to control her attack dog man. While an embarrassed Susan tries to do damage control with the group, Jonathan corners Cori in the kitchen to demand that she “not be upset.” That’s as much of an apology as she’s going to get out of this scumbag for now, I guess. On the ride home, Susan tries to explain how to act like a human to Jonathan while he promptly falls asleep in the cab.


Glen and Pat, Liza Sandler’s party planner friends, are meeting Gail Greenberg and her to kick off their trip to Fire Island with a cocktail. Liza loves Gail, but thinks she needs to loosen up. On the boat ride over to the island, Liza fills Gail in on Jonathan’s behavior and how Susan basically coddled him through it. Gail has no interest in ghetto barbie Susan, so she plans on avoiding her on the trip. They arrive at the rental house, which is too nice for this bunch of low rent chicks, and make dinner – of which Gail eats only a shred of lettuce and a shot of water. Food is so #2014. They take an after dinner journey to “Ding Dock,” a gay hookup where condoms and dreams go to die, apparently. Armed with headlamps and smartphones, they think they spy a couple getting frisky in the bushes, but it’s just a deer staring at them. Hoping it doesn’t get injected with an errant Botox needle before the head-lamped humans scream and run, no doubt.


Back at Susan and Jonathan’s house, Jonathan wakes up to a pissed off Susan, who’s admonishing him about his a$$holery and drinking. Jonathan is not having it. He’s the life of the party! People are just bored! Get over it, he says.      

Susan, Cori, and Andi Black show up next to get ferried over to Fire Island. Susan is nervous to see Cori, so she opens with “You’re not mad at Jonathan anymore, are you?” Nice. Cori believes in second chances, but she thinks Susan makes too many excuses for her beastly man. Andi relates to Susan’s behavior, as she found herself defending her ex-husband all of the time for idiotic reasons in the past. The ladies board the boat without Amy Miller, who canceled at the last minute claiming she’s “sick.” Andi calls her from the boat and Amy, who still claims she’s ill, is going to come on a later boat anyway. The ladies smell a lie, surmising that Amy’s no-good boyfriend Arthur has something to do with Amy’s evasive behavior. 

Once arrived at the house, Cori fills Gail in on Jonathan’s ridiculous antics at her dinner party, which Gail is #unbothered by. Congregating by the pool (Gail in full beekeeper gear), the ladies discuss Amy’s arrival, which is imminent. Andi says they should have a “friendtervention” with Amy about her unhealthy relationship with Arthur, and the group quickly agrees. This should go swimmingly.

Amy unknowingly walks in to the friendtervention with her brand new engagement ring on, which Arthur gave her the night before! It’s beautiful, but Andi is a dog with a bone, so she asks how the ring is going to “stop the roller coaster” of their toxic relationship? Amy has invested so much time in her relationship, she feels like she can’t cut and run now. As all of the women pile on, Amy tells them all to “shut the f*k up and let me talk!” (Is she taking notes from Jonathan on appropriate party ice breakers?) She knows she sounds like an abused woman (or Susan) saying, “you don’t know how good he to me,” but she’s sticking with devil she knows: Arthur. It’s her life, she made a choice, and she’s not about to hear anymore advice from these thrice-divorced women who have made messes of their own lives. 


At lunch later, Gail quietly expresses her astonishment that Susan is being so tame. But no sooner are these words out of her mouth than Susan gets into a minor tiff with Gail over the fact that Gail is bailing on the trip early. Susan then tells Gail she’s tried to find common ground with her over the years, but has felt Gail’s cold shoulder in response. Gail retorts that she heard Susan had been talking behind her back, so she kept her distance. Liza physically moves in between the two women to “make peace” by forcing them to listen to her problems instead. Susan and Gail easily agree to put their best foot forward with each other from now on despite their past differences. And I’ve gotta say, despite the lowbrow vibe of this show, these women do get over their bad selves and keep it movin! #goodonya!

After Gail’s departure, the group heads out to a drag show. Yesss! Bring it! Liza and Andi are dressed exactly alike, which just adds to the confusion of deciphering who is freaking who on this show. The drag show, which looks like it’s being held in a refurbished garage, gets underway. The ladies are hazed about their K-mart style and bad hair by the Head Drag Queen In Charge, which is awesome, then asked to “show their dance moves” up on stage, which is not awesome. Cori wins the dance contest and Amy is feeling better after drinking all the women’s hater-ade earlier. She celebrates being re-engaged because…why not!?

At Blue Whale restaurant that night, the group enjoys their final dinner while Susan regales them with stories of Jonathan (ick) and their son Ian’s upcoming 5th birthday party (aww). Susan then defends Jonathan’s gross behavior again, which Liza calls out as bullsh*t because she’s had the pleasure of knowing Sir Jonathan since high school. She knew Jonathan since he was little bully Johnny on the playground, so she’s got big bully Johnny’s number now. “He’s not like any other guy in this town,” Susan coos. Let’s hope not. Amy identifies with Susan’s plight because she’s got a craptastic fiance of her own, so she takes Susan to the bathroom to wallow in their sad relationship-defending together. Susan echoes Amy’s earlier adage that “nobody really knows” her husband, but she sees how great he is, so there! Back at the table, the rest of the women agree that they’re over Jonathan, though Andi feels guilty enough to run to the bathroom to comfort Susan in the end. Liza is firmly standing her ground about Jonathan being d-bag of the century though, and I sort of love her for it.  


Photo Credit: Bravo