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On last night’s Secrets and Wives the aftermath of Susan Doneson’s pet pig husband Jonathan’s despicable behavior is on everyone’s minds. When Gail Greenberg shows up at Cori Goldfarb’s spa to get a peel, Cori tells Gail about the thumb-up-the-arse move that Jonathan pulled on Liza Sandler at the Doneson’s son’s 5th birthday party. Gail is grossed out, as is everyone else who watched Jonathan’s drunken antics that day. 

Meanwhile, Susan is meeting Andi Black for some shopping and defensive maneuvering. When asked about Jonathan’s thumb move, Susan laughs it off. “Jonathan is really comfortable with himself,” says Susan. Andi understands that Jonathan has some good qualities, but she doesn’t know whether to love or hate him at the moment. Well, I’ve got a suggestion: just go ahead and hate the misogynist S.O.B! He already hates all of womankind, so it’s allllllll good, ladies.  

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Speaking of S.O.B.’s, Jonathan is training Amy Miller’s son, Max, in the fine art of working from home in a sleeveless gym shirt. Max formerly worked for Jonathan, but was canned when Amy started writing notes for him to stay home sick from work on snow days. Back for Chance #2, Max is attempting to cold call customers with Jonathan hovering over him yelling, “You sound scared!” Which, yeah, he does. And wouldn’t anyone? 

Susan, Liza, and Cori meet out for lunch to catch up. The thumb in the a$$ is brought up immediately, with Cori and Liza claiming they aren’t trying to “come between” Susan and Jonathan. But homeboy’s gotta get himself in check. Susan is predictably defensive, but Cori knows that Susan could be damaging her friendships with the entire group by continuing to drag this neanderthal around to social functions. Susan doesn’t want to lose her friends over Jonathan’s behavior, but what’s the answer? “I’m gonna talk to him,” sighs Susan. Hmmm…hasn’t she attempted that already?

Back at Cori’s house, she discusses (what else?) Jonathan with her hubby Sandy. Cori and Sandy’s 20th anniversary party is coming up and Sandy swears he’s going to talk to Jonathan beforehand to lay the smack down on his shenanigans. Cori brings up the marriage counseling that Sandy recently agreed to, spurred on by the racy text message he was sent by some random woman asking to “get a hotel room.” So, there are issues brewing, obviously.

Gail is out with her husband Dr.G, who’s looking at his new office space. Gail wants to be “in on the ground floor” of this operation, including building a locked cage for the hot-to-trot receptionist who’s already banging him and an office for Gail, herself. Dr. G lamely assures his wife, “You’re gonna have a place to sit.” Like perched on a toilet?

At the local pool, Susan and Jonathan get into the conversation about Jonathan not, uh, playing well with others. Susan tells him her friends are not happy (i.e., are ready to disown her) and that frankly, he scares them. “It’s not a big deal,” Jonathan laughs, but Susan is not backing down this time. She maintains that Jonathan’s gotta change or else. He “promises” to change in a mock monotone voice, playing right along with the role Susan has assigned him: naughty son to her nagging mother. He swears he does love Susan though because, after all, she picked his carcass up from prison and married him for better or worse.

Say it ain’t so! We are once again forced to sit through a couples’ therapy session courtesy of Bravo, this time with Cori and Sandy. Cori starts the session out by revealing the provocative text Sandy received, but she admits she has no evidence of Sandy’s philandering except his flirtatious nature. “In this neighborhood, if you want action, you don’t have to go far,” says Sandy, but he’s not trolling for action. The therapist says Sandy ignores Cori’s feelings which, yeah he does. But he maintains he’s happy in the marriage, and always has been. He actually says some very sweet things to Cori and she feels relieved to hear him share his feelings. The therapist encourages Sandy to use their upcoming 20th anniversary to show Cori how much she means to him. Bring on the big drunken speech!

Liza and her daughter Carly are in Manhattan looking at possible apartments for Liza to relocate to. Let’s just keep it real here: Liza ain’t never leaving Long Island. But it is fun seeing great NY apartments that she’ll never rent on this fool’s errand. She see’s a Classic 6 and a gorgeous 3,600 square foot spread, both around 10 million, but turns up her nose at both. Because they don’t come with verandas glued on to the stuccoed pool house and a Dunkin Donuts down the street, perhaps? 

At lunch back on LI, Amy is meeting Andi for lunch. Talk turns to Arthur, Amy’s recently re-betrothed. Andi comes hard at Amy again about Arthur being a d*ck, but Amy can’t handle defending him one more time. She thinks Andi’s past struggles with men are informing her obsession with Amy and Arthur’s toxic relationship. Amy claims she’s not “beaten down” by Arthur, but Andi knows she is. “I can’t even look at him anymore,” says Andi. But she may have to because Amy, though she’s not betting on it, is trying to get Arthur to come with her to Cori and Sandy’s anniversary party.

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It’s the day of the anniversary party. Liza isn’t coming because she has to drop her daughter Ryan off at college. Cori grills Sandy about showing her plenty of love and affection at the party, which he promises he will. Pinky swear. At the party, there’s a disco ball, lots of alcohol, and mountains of bleached hair. Resident brunette Susan, meanwhile, is repeating strict instructions to Jonathan to behave, not to drink too much, and to act like an actual adult human male at the party tonight. Upon arrival, Sandy reminds Jonathan not to “have any accidents tonight,” hint-hint, while Jonathan sizes up the bouncer in the corner, assessing how fast he could break a bottle and take him hostage if need be.

Next to arrive is Amy and…the elusive Arthur! Andi thinks Amy trotted Arthur out just to prove “what a good guy he is,” and truth be told, he looks fairly innocuous standing around in his plaid shirt and receding hairline. Innocuous especially considering he’s being compared to the likes of knuckle dragger Jonathan, anyway, who’s barking in Cori’s face about “loving” Liza, despite jamming his thumb up her derriere and grabbing her breast at their last social encounter.

Uh oh! Here comes the big speech. And Sandy’s too drunkety drunk drunk to spit out any words of love and renewed commitment right now. Cori demands, “Say.Something.To.ME.” with the microphone in hand, but the best a glazy-eyed Sandy can do at this point is a slurry “Les get the pahty stahted!” off to the side while Cori silently seethes, outwardly laughing off Sandy’s disappointing display. Susan’s just happy that her man “was a good boy tonight” and that Sandy is in First Place for Worst North Shore Husband at the present moment. Arthur is probably breathing a sigh of relief too. Dude, can these guys get any worse? I propose we all give our husbands/boyfriends/brothers/dads a huge high five tonight for not being a #secretsandwivesloser! Hurrah! 

TELL US: WHO’S YOUR PICK FOR WORST GUY ON TONIGHT’S EPISODE? IS SUSAN FINALLY GETTING THROUGH TO JONATHAN? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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