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Ok, people! I am watching Secrets and Wives so you don’t have to. You’re welcome! Juuuuust kidding. I know there are one or three of you out there still tuning in to Bravo’s latest “experiment,” so let’s get started on recapping the hot mess of last night’s episode! (I must confess I actually get a kick out of these ladies, God help me.) 

At Fire Island, Liza Sandler and bestie Andi Black are waking up in the same bed, per usual, to dogs and gay best friends pouncing on them. Cori Goldfarb and Susan Doneson are having coffee while reliving the night before, during which Susan took a lot of heat from the ladies about her trashy husband Jonathan’s behavior at Cori’s barbecue last week. All four of the ladies finally slap some orange makeup on and gather for breakfast. Not able to apply her own face shellac back in Long Island is Gail Greenberg, who’s left her 1993 light-up makeup mirror at their Fire Island house. How will she prepare for her Glamour Shots session in time!?!?

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Amy Miller sees an Instagram of her son Max passed out drunk at home on top of her $5k coffee table. The ladies start harping on Amy to get Max in line, but she’s too angry to even hear them. She vows to kick Max out of the house as soon as she gets home. 

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Back on Long Island, Susan tells Jonathan a million disjointed stories about her trip to Fire Island, but fails to make a point. “I mulit-think!” Susan defends herself. She does manage to tell Jonathan that her friends basically H.A.T.E. him, but he’s not about to be chastised like a child (even though he acts like one), and quips, “That’s just my personality.” He can’t guarantee that he won’t act like a royal a$$ in the future, and that future is not too far off considering previews that show Jonathan poking Liza in where the sun don’t shine at his 5-year old son Ian’s birthday party later in the week. 

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Amy gets home and immediately confronts Max about breaking the table. “You have no respect!” Amy screams at him, but he just changes the subject to her new engagement ring, which on-again-off-again fiance Arthur recently cemented to her finger. Max looks like he couldn’t care less about his mother’s (empty) threats, nor does he have plans of growing up – let along doing his own laundry – anytime soon. Amy knows it’s her fault for not setting boundaries with her ne’er do well 20-year old son until now. She tells him she’ll kick him out if he pulls a stunt like this again, but only time will tell.

Susan is with some “buyers” (of terrible fashion?) in the city to look at what Susan’s business competition is doing. They look like they’re in a TJ Maxx scoping the clearance rack, so this makes sense. Susan’s son Ian is turning 5 soon and she’s throwing an over-the-top birthday party for him, in keeping with the North Shore tradition of spoiling one’s kids rotten until they turn out like Amy’s son, Max. It’s the LI circle of life, yo!

Gail is visiting her hubby, Dr. G, at work (because that’s the only place she sees him) to inform him he’ll be coming to Ian’s 5th birthday shindig whether he likes it or not. While she’s at it, she’s vying for a desk at his office because she wants to keep an eye on the hot young receptionists who are ready to steal her man.

At Cori’s house, her hubby Sandy is man-scaping himself in preparation for sitting in a robe for a full day of unemployed bliss. Cori brings up a disturbing text from an ex-girlfriend that showed up on Sandy’s phone the other day, but Sandy defends the message as an innocent real estate inquiry. Cori says the text read: “I miss everything about you. Let’s check into a hotel room.” So…real estate inquiries are not what they used to be, I guess! Sandy suggests Cori call this woman and confront her, which is the slimiest move ever. “How dumb do you think I have to be!?” yells Cori. Sandy keeps acting like he has no idea where this girl’s “coming from,” but he’s not really getting the point here. Cori suggests that they see a therapist together, and he agrees to go if it would help Cori get off his back. “I got nothing to hide here,” he ominously professes.   

Amy’s ex-husband comes over to yell at Max a bit more about breaking the table, which they glue back together. Because when you got a broken $5k table, what other choice do you have…? When Amy walks in, Max starts crabbing at her about how “this table sucks anyway!” So, he’s learning a lot through this tough love project, eh? 

Gail goes to Cori’s house for tennis, where Cori wants to spill the beans about Sandy’s suspicious text message, but Sandy’s playing with them so that dirt will have to wait. First they discuss Cori’s fear of seeing Jonathan at Ian’s birthday party because he’s so obnoxious and unpredictable. On the court, Cori confesses she’s a “grunter” while the 3 of them whack around the ball awkwardly until Dr. G shows up. Gail is grateful her hubby left his office for a whole hour to be with her. She even wore her special lime green pants and pink wraparound skirt for the festive occasion! (Is she trying to lure him away from the office hotties? Cuz this look ain’t workin.) Cori finally pulls Gail away in private to tell her about Sandy’s text message. Gail is concerned and asks Cori a million questions that could only be formulated in the mind of a cheater (she and Dr. G got together when they were both married to previous spouses), which makes Cori even crazier.

Susan’s back at her place prepping for Ian’s party. Between the wasp nests in the trees and Jonathan with a baseball bat trying to “take care of them,” clowns frolic in the yard and party planners set up the petting zoo. Susan is happy that the ladies, including Gail, are coming to her son’s party despite their disdain for her and/or Jonathan. Speaking of Jonathan, he’s getting his drink on before the guests even show up (to a CHILD’s birthday party!), so he should be a hot mess in 3…2…1…

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The guests arrive to a full scale circus themed back yard bearing gifts and, if you’re Liza, a flask filled with vodka. She might need it because Mark, Amy’s ex-husband and Liza’s ex-fiance, shows up. Liza confronts Mark about giving the SAME engagement ring to Liza that he later took back and gave to Amy, who wore it throughout their entire marriage. Mark looks at the ground wishing he could evaporate into the stratosphere until a drunken Jonathan finally comes over to put him in a headlock, thereby rescuing him in a semi-abusive way.

Gail arrives just in time to convince Andi and Liza to get in the bouncy house, but before they can get in there, Jonathan has taken over the joint with his lumbering frame. The ladies bounce around a bit, trying not to pee (hey, we’ve all been there!) and exit the bouncy house with their dignity still in tact. But not so fast! Before Liza can strap on her 6-inch wedge, Jonathan takes the opportunity to insert his thumb up her butt while she’s bent over. Prison humor? Liza shoots up like a rocket and, in his next favorite move of the day, Jonathan puts her in a headlock and cackles in her ear. Liza is not happy and expresses this to Jonathan, who then pushes her in the boob. Okay, can we take a moment here to petition that Jonathan be voted off the island? Not just Long Island, but the entire human race one? I’m sure his son Ian will recall this footage of his 5th birthday party fondly sometime in the future…when his therapist is counseling him slowly through the scenes. #worldsbiggestdirtbag

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Liza and Cori have had it with Jonathan’s disgusting behavior, but Liza agrees to take a photo with him anyway. Why? Maybe she’s scared he’ll take a hit out on her if she doesn’t play nice. When Liza leaves, she tells Susan about the thumb up her a$$ and the boob assault, but Susan again defends her despicable husband’s behavior. Then she sends him out to live in the petting zoo pig sty with the rest of his kind. #don’twewish?

TELL US: WILL JONATHAN’S BEHAVIOR INTERFERE WITH SUSAN’S FRIENDSHIPS ONCE AND FOR ALL? IS AMY TOO EASY ON MAX? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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