Geez Louise! Just the preview for the upcoming season of Don’t Be Tardy gave me the spins–I’d almost forgotten how quickly that theme song infiltrates your brain and refuses to leave! Good thing I still have some of Kim Zoliciak Biermann’s mango sparkling moscato to get me through the premiere. Kidding…if a bottle of wine goes a week (much less a year) in my house without being opened, there’s a reason.
The episode begins with Kim and Kroy wrangling their youngest children as KJ helps their full time chef Tracey. Should I be bothered that Tracey just said “ass” in front of a four-year-old? Brielle enters dressed in her mother’s hand-me-downs from the first season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, and in tow is her boyfriend Slade. Yep, there are at least two of them in Bravoland now! He changed his college plans just so he could stay in Atlanta and be close to his love. The family is celebrating Ariana’s constant string of straight As as Brielle brags about being on the top ten list of most absences. With Kroy as a free agent, everyone is frazzled about the possibility of moving, and the older girls are hellbent on staying in Atlanta.
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I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle an entire season of Brielle and Slade. Sure, they seem super sweet and cute and are a gorgeous couple (her mother calls them the mini-Kim and Kroy), all the chatter about trees communicating and not knowing the difference between a crab cake and a carrot cake has my brain cells exiting my head faster than I can produce new ones. As Tracey makes blue rice krispie treats, Kim is stressed that Brielle’s eighteenth birthday coincides with Kroy’s free agency. Brielle is now old enough to stay behind if she so chooses, and she’s made it very clear that’s what she plans to do if her family moves.
The sisters gripe about the possibility of relocating, and Ariana dramatically threatens to kill herself if Brielle stays in Atlanta. Brielle reasons that Ariana will at least have a new school to make new friends. She’d be leaving behind high school and Slade. Downstairs, Kim is working with her new assistant Gloria (who is also the twins’ former nanny). Gloria apparently runs circles around Sweetie, and Kim is hoping she’ll be helpful in finding her dream house if she has to head some random place like Wisconsin.
Kim needs her dogs fixed, and she tasks Gloria with finding dog Turbo’s (who cost $5000) missing testicle and figuring out why dog Jet’s manliness is stuck in red rocket position, Chef Tracey volunteers to help suck down Turbo’s high ball. I can’t. Also important? Kim’s closet which is insured for $2 million. Who will drive her wardrobe to Wisconsin? The more pressing question should be, “Who is going to eat Kim’s nail that broke off in the kitchen?”
Poor Kim isn’t able to take all her pocketbooks in the event of a move. Kroy is so mean! Friend Shawn comes over with the appropriate amount of side boob showing garments. Kim’s going to be foregoing bras this season since her breasts look so good. As promised, a bra-less Kim hangs out with her family by the pool. She tries to guilt Brielle into following them wherever they go, and she can’t process her oldest leaving the nest. Brielle can take college courses online, right? Kroy wonders why everyone is getting so worked up when they may not even be moving…not to mention, it’s time for Brielle to start her own life.
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[Photo Credit: Bravo]
