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Manzo'd With Children Premiere Recap The Manzo’s are back… and Caroline Manzo is no longer micromanaging her children’s evey move. Oh hahah! Just kidding. The more things change, the more they stay the same on Manzo’d With Children.  The kids are playing musical moving back in with mommy as Lauren plans her wedding, Albie abandons BLK for cannabis, and Chris tries to distance himself from the fambly only to face the wrath of mamma! 

Albie lives at home again and has now gotten involved in the cannabis business. Which basically means he’s the jerk you crushed on in high school who was popular and hot, but turned into a burnout loser. Vengeance for all of us. Caroline describes Albie as a Type-A perfectionist … so he’s perfecting the art of mooching? She’s delusional. 

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Albie also dumped his hot girlfriend as he branches into the plant business with a new fertilizer that helps plants produce faster. He plans to market it to pot growers. What happened to BLK? I guess pot has more proven health benefits.

Albie wants to test the product with regular old legal plants. Caroline has panic anxiety over pot being grown in her backyard, thus turning into the Giudices with the Feds storming her premises. OMG – then it really would be like Orange Is the New Black – Caroline is so Red! To make sure Albie won’t take a sudden detour into the heartlands of America’s drug trade, Caroline drives him to the nursery to get some legal herbs he can do his experiments on. Caroline has other concerns about Albie as well – she worries he’s distancing himself from Crissofart. And Manzo spawn stay together – thick as illegal drug traffickers standing against the cartel? 

Chris moved out – but not he hasn’t moved on (or started dating). Nevertheless Caroline worries he and Albie aren’t close anymore. Instead of accepting this as a normal part of adulthood Caroline pressures them to spend time together and harangues them about focusing on their relationship. Chris pretends to care what Caroline thinks because he wants her to come over and clean his apartment. The apartment he shares with a roommate, but Carole doesn’t allow girls to spend the night. No Nookie Zone. 

Don’t Albie and Chris own TWO restaurants together? Isn’t that enough time spending together? Guess not – because Caroline has visions of Albie and Chris becoming the new Caroline and Dina

Caroline has other stresses. She needs some of Albie’s pot! 

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Vito, the poor henpecked recipient of Lauren’s ardor, is occasionally allowed to spend the night at Caroline’s but has to sleep in Chris’s room. Yep, no conjugal visits under the watchful eye of Mama Meatball!

However Caroline rejoices over the fact that soon Lauren – and her out-of-control spending – will be Vito’s responsibility. Yes, Lauren is like 27-years-old (and supposedly owns a successful boutique), but her daddy still pays her bills and lets her buy whatever via his AmEx. Also, for all her pioneering of the helicopter parent, Caroline never taught her kids any useful skills like how to cook. Lauren struggles over preparing french toast and eggs for Vito. Maybe she was apprehencious about Caroline judging her for being a 10 lb sausage in a 3lb casing. 

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Jacqueline Laurita visits to debut her new botox and discuss family issues with Caroline. Of course, the family issues is Dina. Jacqueline reminds everyone about how Dina is the bad one – like the time she didn’t invite anyone to Lexi’s graduation party, but they’re all starting over! 

Caroline and Dina texted insults back and forth recently, but then decided to secretly meet without telling anyone.  “From then everything’s fine,” Caroline assures. “She’s here for the holidays, she talks to my kids, Lexi’s in the bridal party, and we can all go on living.” Let’s just go ahead and say it – now that horrible Teresa is locked up and out of the way! (kidding) Dina will attend Lauren’s bridal shower

BTW: Even Jacqueline told Caroline it was normal that Chris and Albie be apart occasionally. 

To deal with Lauren’s wedding, plus Albie and Christopher coming apart at the Manzo sausage casing seams, Caroline copes by making homeopathic remedies and soaps from herbs and flowers. Sounds like Albie has a built-in business partner right here at home. Now he’ll NEVER, EVER have to leave the nest! Caroline stress-relieves by running in circles around the house and sitting against her cabinets balancing a gallon of milk on her legs. 

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Caroline cries about how it is her duty to protect her children until her dying day. I wouldn’t make that promise (or threat). When Chris comes over to get toilet paper and Albie ignores him – he just wants to be alone with his plants! Caroline forces them to interact while she continues running in circles around them. It turns out Albie and Chris have no issues, they’re just busy. They blame Caroline’s “microMOMaging” on Lauren for getting married. 

In other unsettling Manzo family realizations Albie thought they were descendants of the di’Medicis or something but it turns out they’re actually part Scottish and their ancestor was an Italian whore. But was she a “prostitution whore?”

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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