Last night Chris Manzo went for round two on the Millionaire Matchmaker. While some things have changed, like he’s no longer on Real Housewives Of New Jersey… OK, that’s the only thing that has changed (including that Patti Stanger still wears rompers and short-suits every freaking day!) because Chris is still a mama’s boy who needs mama’s approval before buying a pants that don’t belong on a 50-year-old.
True to form Caroline Manzo accompanies Chris to check in with Patti and go over what he’s looking for in a woman.
He found her – her name is Caroline. Patti eventually sends Caroline out of the room because there is a difference between smothering and mothering, but the sad part is Chris is looking for someone, not only that his entire family also wants to date, but whom reminds him of Caroline, because he idolizes his parents’ marriage. Mmmmkay, moving on.
Patti describes Chris as desperately clinging onto the mama’s boyness and is afraid to move-on (or out!). She worries that he comes across as boring and needs to be micromanaged. Caroline worries that with Lauren getting married (and hating every girl Chris and Albie look at) and Albie finally in a relationship, Chris will end up living at home forever. Not that it’s a problem … I mean who makes better meatballs than mama?!
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True to form, Chris basically tells Patti he won’t date anyone Caroline doesn’t approve of. Patti is pretty convinced Chris is asexual, and only thinks about ham.
Patti seems a bit disturbed by how lazy and immature Chris is with dating “He’s got no game,” she describes. Chris shares the episode Max Hodges, who is a former TMZ reporter and California boy. While Chris dresses like a 5o-year-old soccer dad and literally I think wore Al’s suit, Max is his polar opposite. The one thing they share is an inability to grow-up.
Patti forces them to endure a sit-down with YouTube’s millennial dating sensation Jenna Marbles, whose hair has more colors than Chris has excuses for why his mamma does his laundry. Jenna diagnoses Chris as afraid of women, awkward as hell, and hiding his insecurity behind sarcasm and Caroline.
Since Chris’ problem is mom interfering in his love life, naturally Patti uses Caroline to screen and recruit dates at the mixer. Caroline has started dressing like Kyle Richards, habitual kaftan abuser.
Patti makes the two whiny manboys draw pictures of what their ideal relationship looks like and then makes the eligible women do the same. When the ladies learn CAROLINE, their potential date’s mommy, is “recruiting” them several look appalled. Caroline tries to sell them on the idea that after this date, the winner will be moving to NJ where Lauren can skewer her with bitter seething jealousy, and Chris giggles while throwing pepperoni at them, but on the bright side she’ll do their laundry and vacuum!
Patti’s goal is for both Caroline and Chris to understand the difference between nurture and mother. Patti is hoping Chris can find a lady who will nurture his fun, kid-side, but who is also devoted to family-values. I wonder how the hell any relationship with Chris is gonna work being that he lives in NJ and with his parents? And their pets. And Lauren.
“I have to remind myself, this is about my son, not about me,” Caroline explains. “I had to get me out of the equation.” Mission failed.
In the selection process, Caroline cuts Patti off in a struggle to out-mom Chris‘ potential dates. They eventually choose three girls: Karly, Samantha, and Amanda, whom Caroline explains she chose because there was something about them that reminded her of herself. She then lectures them on how to appropriately treat Chris. Oh holy oedipal complex! Instead of sending Chris on a date lets get a psychiatrist in here. Sigmund Freud can you resurrect from the dead?
Just so all you lovely ladies know Chris likes his sandwiches cut in triangles, and he only likes fruit punch juice boxes. And no TV after 9 PM. Also he’s always trying to steal Albie’s Legos, so might find some in his pants pockets – check them before doing laundry. Also, Chris has piano lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:30 and on Friday he does story hour at the library.
I should add, none of the girls seem like they want to date Chris – OR Caroline. Despite Caroline gushing that “he’s such a good boy!”
Chris selects Amanda for his masterdate, a lady who reenacts superhero comics for a living, because Chris doesn’t wanna grow up he’s a Manzoboy Kid! He takes her horseback riding, where Amanda point blank asks – in a semi-mocking tone – “Where’s your mom?”
Then Amanda puts on a superhero costume and kicks his ass. As he’s grabbing his arm and whimpering, Caroline leaps from the bushes and knocks Amanda out with a rolling pin, ties her up in an apron, puts Chrissofart in her purse and carries him home with Mama. A girl who can pummel mama in a bikini is not gonna work for Caroline!
OK, not quite. Amanda does make Chris role-play with her a bit, and he’s pretty lame at it. ‘Cause this boy seriously is so awkward and skittish around ladies. Then they go out to dinner where Amanda lies and says she wasn’t bothered by Caroline being so involved.
In the end Chris kisses Amanda on the cheek – which may be the first time he’s ever had contact with a girl. Amanda tells Patti Chris hasn’t called her since.
Patti is concerned. When she checks-in with Chris to see how the date when Caroline gets on the Skype session too! “He did a good job,” Caroline brags to Patti about Chris’ date. “We picked well!”
Patti forces Caroline to abandon the Skype by saying she found porn on Albie’s computer and then she lectures Chris on being such a whiny boy for not kissing Amanda or making follow-up plans. He insists he’s coming back to LA soon and plans to get together with her. “Leave your mother at home!” Patti admonishes. No chance of that!
TELL US – WILL CHRIS EVER LEAVE HOME AND GET A GIRL?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]