So, a special thanks to Kim Zolciak Biermann, Kroy and crew for a much needed break from Miley Cyrus and the VMAs last night. I know, I know, I didn’t have to watch, but I couldn’t stop…until it was time for Don’t Be Tardy. Gracious pop culture can make me feel so incredibly old! Of course, I feel like I’m watching the reality show a 40-year-old Miley will have with her family as Kim answers their phone to hear four-year-old son cage yelling to open the “[email protected]$%ing gate” so he and the nanny can get into the driveway. Kim scolds her oldest daughters for giving KJ a potty mouth as she jokes that she never swears in front of her young ones. Eye roll.
The family is getting ready for their annual vacation to Destin, Florida, but Kim is hoping for more glamorous locales once the twins get older….like Mexico. Chef Tracey (who loves to say things for shock value to make sure she gets more screen time) warns Kim of the rampant child organ black market in Mexico. Tracey swears she’s not making it up, but Kim quickly changes the subject to something more important…her wigs. How will they best transport her precious wigs to Florida? Shoe boxes is not the way to go…they need seat belts. Kroy suggests a U-Haul for the wigs, but Kim deems that “trashy.”
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As the family packs three cars and a U-Haul, Brielle is happy that Slade is allowed to join them on Spring Break. There’s a lot of chaos and ass crack…not to mention everyone is on pins and needles waiting to hear from Kroy’s agent. If they can barely survive a week long beach trip, how can they move across the country for a new NFL team? This road trip is giving me serious anxiety, but thankfully Kroy gets a call alerting him to where he’ll be playing next season. And nine hours later, the motley crew arrives in Destin…the girls fight for rooms with the fervor of Ramona Singer in Turks. Brielle jokes about maintaining her virginity in light of her mother’s litter of children, and Slade looks as uncomfortable as I feel.
Upon arrival, the family partakes in a sandcastle building contest, but Brielle is bored. Tracey suggests they all go get tattoos. Brielle is game, but according to Kim, tattoos are so tacky. So we have a story line for last night’s episode, Kim convinces Tracey to get a tattoo that the family designs. Tracey shares her likes and dislikes before the group puts pen to paper to design Tracey’s latest body art. She likes gay sex, but she dislikes tattoos where a unicorn has a penis instead of a horn. Tracey opts for Kroy’s design which features a leprechaun wielding a frying pan and dagger. Cute!
Shun joins the trip, but Kim forgot about her friend’s fear of water. Shun promptly dons a life vest even though they are yards from the water. After Kim taunts KJ to to shoot Shun with a water gun, Shun loses it. Does the woman shower? While I love the water, I understand why people who can’t swim fear bodies of water…but a water gun stream? Drama. After the beach antics, Kroy and Kim decide to reveal where Kroy will be playing next season.
Kroy begins gifting the kids and his staff with snow shovels and gloves. Brielle isn’t going anywhere…she’s more of a beach person. Kroy shares that they will be leaving for their next adventure in just a few weeks. Ariana refuses to go to Wisconsin…she hates cheese. Tracey notices that Kroy is wearing a backwards NFL cap…could it hold the key to his new football gig? As Kroy slowly rotates the hat around his meat head, the girls breathe a sigh of relief. Is that a Falcon? Why yes! They are staying in Atlanta–at least for one more year. In the commercial clip, Kroy takes KJ for a quick trip in the ocean kayak. Does KJ see any jellyfish? Nope. Should KJ invite mommy to kayak with them? Hell no. The parents of KJ’s fellow kindergarten classmates are going to love the mouth on this one!
That night Kroy has picked a restaurant with live alligators. Kim cusses up a storm and slurps her wine as she chastises her husband for his choice of eateries. Changing the subject, Kim asks Brielle where she plans to be in five years. Brielle boasts that she wants to be married with a baby on the way. She’s always hoped to be a young mom like her own mother. Kim is horrified. Kroy mutters about how they’ll likely be on welfare. Poor Ariana. How has she managed to be so normal all this time? She needs more screen time.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? WOULD YOU LIKE TO VACATION WITH THE BIERMANNS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]