Don’t Be Tardy Recap: Double Date

dont be tardy kroy kim

Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy was a plethora of lessons on family, vocabulary, and just how insane Tracey the chef may actually be. Kim Zolciak-Biermann doesn’t want her children to ever leave home. She’s distraught at Ariana’s plotting to fly the coop as soon as possible–who will watch KJ, Kash, and the twins? Kroy spends the episode basking in Tracey’s praise and chugging the champagne of beers. It’s like Norman Rockwell threw up all over this family. 🙂 

Ariana is a built-in baby-sitter for her younger siblings, while Kim, Kroy and Tracey joke around in the kitchen. Ariana gripes that sister Brielle uses the youngest kids for nothing but selfie props. Tracey is in love with Kroy in a heterosexual homophobic just like you love your favorite neighbor way. She thinks he’s just the best guy, and she wishes her girlfriend of ten years could be more like him. Kim questions Tracey about her relationship with Brooklyn, and Tracey admits they argues a lot. Brooklyn isn’t passive and go-with-the-flow like the perfect Kroy, and Tracey spends too much time playing games on her phone to make an effort. It’s not Tracey’s fault she was couldn’t pay attention at the euthanasia party for Brooklyn’s cat…she was crushing candy!


Kroy is disappointed to learn that Kim has yet to order graduation announcements for Brielle, nor is she planning a party. Kim isn’t excited about her oldest leaving the nest, and she’s going to stay in denial for as long as she can. Tracey jokes that if Brielle actually graduates, she should be forced to take all the tests she skipped at her party. Ariana wants a famous performer at her graduation bash…and she will have earned it after receiving straight A’s all the way through school. Kim finally caves, and she gets excited about a carnival themed celebration. Tracey interjects to share that Brooklyn once ran away with the circus, so she has several carnie friends who could participate in the event. Kim can’t ever tell when Tracey is joking. I am starting to think that Tracey is a pathological liar. How many times are they going to cackle over the over-excited dog, and why does Tracey feel the need to blow on his business? I just can’t.

dont be tardy kim

Ariana wants to be emancipated at sixteen, and if I can’t say I blame her. It has to be hard to be the only normal and intelligent one in this group! Kim wonders if Ariana even knows what “emancipation” means, and Kroy mumbles that she is pretty smart.  Ariana complains that she has so many more rules than Brielle, and it’s not fair given how responsible she is in school. She just wants to be able to talk to boys and go to the movies instead of spending every waking hour watching her siblings. Kim thinks she’s parented Ariana much differently than Brielle. Kim may be stricter with Ariana, but it’s just because she’s very boy crazy and too mature for her own good. 

Kim and Kroy are preparing for their double date with Tracey and Brooklyn, and Tracey is regaling Kim with the stories of her role playing with Brooklyn: Dr. Patel, sexy clowns, a cult leader, and a swim team coach, just to name a few! Kim is both fascinated and freaked out by Tracey’s sex life, and she’s hoping that meeting Brooklyn will help explain the craziness that Tracey spews. On the way to dinner, Kim teases Kroy that she can’t wait to have a few margaritas at dinner. She’s just gotten some new expensive lingerie, and Kroy is excited about how his night could end. Tracey and Brooklyn arrive and Kim can’t believe how adorable Brooklyn is. She truly is cute as a button and seems totally smitten with Tracey.

dont be tardy tracey brooklyn

Over dinner, Kim is curious to see how Tracey and Brooklyn interact. Kroy samples some spicy salsa and Brooklyn does the same. When Brooklyn begins coughing, Tracey pats her on the back a few times, like she’s trying to dislodge a chicken bone or something. Kim can’t believe how non-romantic their body language is, but Tracey is determined to show her employers that they are a compatible couple with a makeshift newlywed game. 

Tracey has compiled a list of questions and has even brought dry erase boards for the pairs to write their answers. What’s your favorite movie? Kroy guesses Kim’s is Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Kim has never heard of that film. It’s the Breakfast Club, Kroy. Kim reminds him that Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles are her two all-time favorite flicks. But, Kroy muses, they are kind of the same, right? Both John Hughes and Audrey Hepburn fans everywhere are rolling their eyes. Next question…if stranded on a deserted island, who would Kim eat first? Kim goes with Tracey, and Kroy is upset that Kim wouldn’t chow down on him. She reminds him that she doesn’t even like to suck his you-know (but of course, she does…often), why would she want to eat him? Brooklyn would feast on Kim because she’d be the least helpful at getting rescued. Truth.

dont be tardy kroy kim 2

Ariana is still banking on plans to high-tail it out of her parents’ house at sixteen, and KJ is supportive of that sh*t. Seriously, his language isn’t cute, is it? Am I just getting crotchety in my old age or is it extremely inappropriate? Kim isn’t thrilled with all of Ariana’s emancipation talk, and she grabs a solo cup of wine and joins Kroy to walk one of the dogs. They discuss their relationship and how Kim finds Kroy sexier because he’s so helpful with their families. He chugs his High Life and babbles on about how blow jobs have become second nature to his wife as a reward for all of his hard work. Blow jobs and family values…at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about. Thanks for the lesson, Zolciak Biermanns!


[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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