Last night on Manzo’d With Children there were bachelorette shenanigans in Atlantic City, the less classy red-headed stepchild of Vegas. Apparently Adrienne Maloof is no longer doling out free passes to The Palms.
With Lauren Manzo‘s wedding to the human lump of smothered ricotta known as Vito Scalia approaching, her bros without hoes Albie and Christopher decide they should be in charge of the “send-off” so they whisk Lauren away to Atlantic City for a “Snatchelor Party.”
There they hide her away from Vito for the sanctity of family unity.
The idea for “Snatchelor” is hatched when Chris and Albie are excluded from Lauren’s official girls-only bachelorette. Hosted by Greggy Bennett. Naturally he has corralled a party bus to escort this fine delegation in style. Apparently L.A. does not hold all the fascinations of a Manzo fambly event.
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Fretting from the family compound back home is Caroline Manzo. Mama of these dearest mozzarella balls, who are off to battle in the deep trenches of debauchery. JUUUUST kidding! Of course, Caroline is along for the bachelorette party, because duh – all adult, soon-to-be-married women require chaperones, don’tcha know.
Proving she’s ready to party, Caroline is clad in sweatpants. All the less restrictions to truly work the party bus stripper pole! (I KID! I KID! Caroline don’t hurt me!).
Monitoring from the homestead is Al, who gets updates on his phone every time the AmEx is swiped. Glasses on nose, he observes that based on the bar tab amount Lauren must be “plastered.” Good Lord! Caroline, complained that Vito’s parents are stuck in the 1950s, but she’s stuck in the 1550s!
Pre-festivities Lauren warns Caroline she may see a penis. This should not be surprising, however, Caroline is married to Al, whom is relegated to cages out by the pool filter as a permanent installment in the Manzo zoo exhibit run by kooky sister Cookie. Come one, come all – come see the rare and scintillating Manzo Worker Bee! “A mother and daughter and a penis should never be in the same room together!” lectures Caroline. Proving her point thusly, in walk Albie and Chris.
They have le sads that they have to stay home with only Caroline’s handwritten note about how to order pizza. Caroline explains Albie and Chrissofart are worried about Lauren, out there alone with only mommy to control the melee.
Since it’s not Albie and Chrissofart’s party and they can’t cry even though they want to, they’re turning lemons in to limoncello by hosting a boys night. Of course, no party is complete without a history lesson – especially when one has been spending all of their unemployed hours in the library! After recently discovering that their 1/16th Italian also includes a mix of Scottish, Chris gets in touch with his roots. By donning a kilt. Bravo, you’re kill-ting me! First Vito in a barely-closed bathrobe, now Chris in a skirt?! Speaking of boys in skirts, Lauren’s bachelorette includes drag queen bingo.
The boys night in revolves around fine scotch tasting. Unfortunately none of these mamas boys can handle the “burning” sensation of real booze. Vito cries and his mommy comes to pick him up.
Sulky Chrissofart decides they must snatch Lauren from the doldrums of un-fun by forcing her to party, bachelor-style, in Atlantic City. Does she get a kilt? “This is Lauren’s last time to let loose and party with her brothers,” explains Chrissofart. Because marriage means she’s going to “Scalia Prison.” Albie looks less convinced. He’d rather remain home to stroke his bagpipes.
The next morning, Albie and Chris have a plot to kidnap their sister and smuggle Lauren to Atlantic City for a Snatchelor Party. They inform Caroline of this plan while she’s making meatballs for meatballs – naturally. The boys are ecstatic – Caroline has alerted the national guard. Although Caroline is happy because this is an indicator that Albie and Lauren’s relationship has improved. “They’ve finally grown-up,” Caroline boasts. I feel like it’s impossible for sibling rivalry to stop when you never move out of your parent’s house?
Since they needed an expert in how snatch operates, Rosie Pierri was called in. She’s far less of a capable chaperone than Caroline, who has installed a nanny cam in Lauren’s penis necklace and is monitoring from afar. There’s only one rule: “No texting Vito.”
While gambling for high-stakes Albie bets Chrissofart involvement in the cannabis industry. The two will be headed to Colorado to start shaking down marijuana growers. These boys need to stop spending their afternoons watching Weeds on Netflix and getting it confused with reality TV.
Since no party is complete without snacks Vito arrives. In secret!
After toasts and tears about how amazing and inspiring the love of Lauren and Vito is, they head back to the room where Vito has staged a romantic surprise. Lauren is ecstatic that Vito has come to snatch her from snatch like a Knight In Shining Salami, but Albie and Chrisofart are furious!
Lauren quickly kicks her brothers out so the real Snatchelor party can begin – after all she and Vito only get so few hours away from the prying eyes of Ma & Pa Smothers!
TELL US – SNATCHELOR OR BACHELOR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]