Last night on Manzo’d With Children the Manzo spawn were in for a rude awakening – particularly Lauren! Caroline Manzo is concerned about Lauren facing the realities of Vito’s income bracket instead of Al and Caroline’s. She wants to prepare Lauren for real married life… by letting Lauren and Vito live at home forever? And Albie took one small step in defying mommy by giving his sexy ex-girlfriend Britt another chance despite Caroline and Lauren’s disapproval. Time for Caroline to cut not only the apron strings, but the Chanel purse strings as well!
It’s morning in Manzo-land which means Caroline comes downstairs to a trashed kitchen and three lethargic kids standing around demanding breakfast. Lauren has been using the island as a makeup studio and Al’s credit card for everything – she’s never paid for gas in her life (and doesn’t think she should have to). Caroline rampages about how the kids don’t clean up and act like immature brats expecting her to do everything for them. What does she expect after all her microMOMaging. Caroline is especially pissed because she’s supposed to be going on a tennis date with Al.
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“It annoys me that I have to be thinking about them as if they’re 8-years-0ld, when they’re not 8-years-old,” complains Caroline, bitterly. Reap what you sow, Ma Smothers – Reap. What. You. Sow. Caroline insists she’s just an “advisor” to her kids who tries to shield them with the truth, but she’s not overbearing.
After her tantrum Caroline is no mood for tennis or dates, but Al hauls her to the court anyway. “As much cleavage as you can give me,” leers Al as Caroline crouches in preparation for another ball she’ll swing at and miss! Tennis for Caroline is much like motherhood: she has swung and missed at pivotal moments and she isn’t able to discern when to let the ball fly, when to attack at the net, and when to step back to the baseline.
Caroline lacks strategy (longtime tennis player!). She’s also a bumbled mess: chasing the ball around fruitlessly instead of letting the ball come back to her by directing it from the racket. But at least this is Manzo family movement that gets them out of the kitchen and away from the food!
While Caroline and Al are out on a date, stuck in the kitchen are the spawn: Albanito, Chrissofart, and Snarlen. They decide to clean the house as a surprise to mommy! (Why does Caroline have a high chair?) Clearly this is uncharted terrain and Caroline didn’t leave a ledger about what cleaning items are f0r – Chris thinks dish gloves are a sponge and vacuums double as razors. Maybe their next venture could be a cleaning company! Caroline is unimpressed by their effort because she rightly feels her three adult children should clean up after themselves. Their little hearts, fueled by daddy’s ever-loving AmEx, are crushed.
Albie meets his ex-girlfriend Brittany for lunch because she wants to talk.
Is she knocked up!? Albie doesn’t order food because “food makes it a date” and he’s afraid to disappoint mommy, who doesn’t approve of Britt. Britt looks like she has been wooed heavily by Bravo producers to pretend to miss Albie and Albie looks afraid that Caroline may emerge at any moment brandishing a rolling pin to beat him over the head with. Regardless, Albie gives Britt another chance to impress Caroline – he’s grown up and changed a lot in the last few months. Ummm… he moved BACK home! And Britt has changed too – she’s discovered shirts with buttons and she’s using said buttons. Albie should just accept his fate of being married off to Victoria Wakile. #ArrangedMarriagesByBravo
Caroline vents her frustration about Lauren over dinner with Al, she blames him for Lauren’s co-dependence on his wallet. “You created a monster,” Caroline lectures. “She’s very spoiled by her father. Fiscally I don’t think she’s ready to be married.” In reality CAROLINE isn’t prepared for Lauren to be a Scalia instead of a Manzo, but she’s correct that Lauren isn’t prepared for the realities of managing her own life and budget. Al promises the second Lauren says “I Do!” to Vito her AmEx is cut-up. Caroline doesn’t believe him.
Later, as Lauren is pulling out her clip-in hair extensions on the kitchen island, Albie announces he and Britt are giving it another chance. Then it’s Caroline’s turn to pull her hair out! Caroline hopes Albie will come to his senses but she has Lauren to worry about.
“I feel really fat and I have to go to work,” Snarlen snaps in response to Albie’s bad news. She stuffs her fake hair in her
fake Louis Vuitton, and sulks that Albie can bring Britt to the shower, as extra help, then stomps out. In wake of Lauren’s wedding drama and financial delusion, Albie’s doomed lovelife is the least of Caroline’s worries. She goes to confront Lauren about her immature spending AT LAUREN’S WORK. Because that’s mature and responsible, Caroline! Way to set the example.
Caroline arrives with a basket-full of her soaps and lotions to sell at Cafface, and begins admonishing Lauren about how reliant she is on her parents for financial support. “Your life has to change!” she rails, while Lauren rolls her eyes. Caroline advises Lauren to start asking Vito for things – not Al. Ummm…. here’s a novel concept: how about Lauren earn her OWN MONEY and use HER OWN MONEY to pay for things she needs and wants?!? Adulthood 101 (Does everyone in Jersey use Teresa-nomics: How To Live Way, Way Out Of Your Means?).
And then – perfect timing for a perfect example of a woman who does not live within her own means – here comes Jacqueline in overpriced clothes, with an overbotoxed face, to contribute to the discussion on financial planning. Irony By Bravo!
“You don’t believe in me,” whines Lauren, but Caroline insists she just trying to prepare Lauren for the changes in her life. Changes, it’s evident, Lauren doesn’t believe will happen. For instance at that moment Al is buying Lauren a new phone. In response to Caroline’s lecture, Lauren throws Caroline and Jacqs out and decides to close the store. That’s the path to fiscal responsibility.
Caroline and Jacqueline stand directly outside Cafface, complaining about Lauren, with Caroline lamenting that Lauren is “no longer mine.” She’s upset that Lauren is moving on in her life, but doesn’t want to move on from Al’s bank account. Caroline interprets that as Lauren not being prepared to be a wife or married to a lowly deli owner like Vito. Lauren, overhearing them, opens the door and hisses for them to go the f–k away. Caroline stomps away. Like mother, like daughter!
TELL US – IS LAUREN PREPARED FOR ADULTHOOD AND MARRIAGE?
This is the face of fiscal responsibly.