Last night on Manzo’d With Children Bravo’s bootleg version of Cheech & Chong traveled to Colorado for a “Cannabis Tour.”
Businessman eccellenza Albie Manzo is marketing his grow-fast plant spray but business is “all about relationships.” Apparently spuriously calling pot growers from the phone in mommy’s craft room does not gain one customers.
Therefore Albie heads to Colorado with No. 1 sidekick Christopher. If you, in your mind, were imagining escapades, prepare to be disappointed. There were neither debaucherous hi-jinks, actual drug use, or attractive
Christopher envisioning that weed distributors are much like Tony Montana is bringing mace and a rape whistle. Albie tells Caroline not to worry: “If you ever want to see me get out of this house, this trip is my opportunity.” As Albie utters these ominous words, the beginning chords of The Beastie Boy’s ‘SABOTAGE’ starts playing in my head. Because… Newsflash! Caroline doesn’t ever want to see Albie leave her nest. Which is why he’s still eating off a monogrammed placemat and storing his sweaters in his childhood toy box.
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Caroline makes the boys prepare by reading Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, and reciting “Just Say No!” while a Nancy Reagan poster glares over them.
Albie is impressed with himself because he funded this trip with money won at blackjack. When Daddy’s AmEx says “declined,” one must turn to gambling, not work, to obtain funds. First drugs, now gambling. Do I see an episode of Intervention in Albie’s future? (Obviously I kid).
Before the big trip, Albie distracts Caroline by inviting Brittany over to dinner. Since it’s only Brittany, they eat off paper plates. Lauren chugs whiskey while wearing a Juicy Couture velour track jacket. Immediately Lauren covertly snubs Brittany’s career. “So you’re an orthodontist’s assistant?” she asks snidely. Then, in what was clearly a premeditated attack, while Caroline stares Brittany down, Lauren bluntly asks if Brittany thinks she’s going to marry Albie.
Ahhh… Britanny. So obviously cosplaying the type of girlfriend Ma and Pa Smothers would hate. So obviously mocking them all so subtly it’s almost worthy of an Emmy mention. Brittany demurs that she’s only with Albie because she sees a future. “I’m 27!” she trills to Lauren, who aged 10 more years of bitterness in that 5 seconds. No amount of Cafface can turn back the time of unhappiness!
Then it’s off to CO for Albie and Chrissofart. As they depart Caroline tears up. “My boys are leaving me,” she snuffles, “to go on a pot-finding mission!” Naturally, Caroline sent them in the full-accompaniment of a NannyCam, installed in Albie’s suitcase disguised as daddy’s AmEx, or possibly some meatball subs.
“Albie has a very strong entrepreneurial spirit, and that makes me proud. But I will not be getting a bumper sticker that says, ‘Proud Mother Of A Cannabis Enhancer…'” states Caroline. How about “Proud Mother Of A Reality TV Star”?
Albie and Chrissofart arrive unharmed to Colorado. “Mike” a friend Albie has met over the internet and has them picked up from the airport in a Porsche limo. Red Flags Raising… “Basically we’re gonna backdoor this,” Albie informs Chris about the plan to impersonate pot smokers. Ironically this is starting to resemble the movie Taken. “I’m the muscle,” brags Chris, yanking out his sound effects lightsaber.
“This is a business trip,” Albie warns. “But we are NOT in the drug business.” Why so ashamed? It’s legal! And healthier than the years of false confidence Caroline has shoved down her sons’ throats.
Grower and distributor, Mike, as it turns out, is $1 million dollars a month in product legit. After giving Albie some sage advice to not get married if he wants to grow his business (pun intended!), Mike agrees to test his product for 2 months. With that Brittany is “canceled”. Albie acknowledges he isn’t ready to be married as he’s broke, living at home, and in the pot business! Why not? He could become a Garden State sequel!
After a cooking class with Cannabis Candace, who enjoys three square meals a day, Albie and Chrisofart fly home.
Meanwhile, Caroline wants to invite herself on Vito and Lauren’s honeymoon. Instead Al decides to fund a last-minute pre-wedding trip to Italy for everyone – PLUS Vito’s parents! So they can “get to know them better.” Since most of these people don’t have jobs, everyone’s free! WHEEEEE!
Al does worry it will be as big a disaster as that last trip they took to Italy. The one which included the Giudices… Caroline slips a Xanax into his decaf. “Here this will help your PTSD,” she soothes. We figured out why Al is so silent and calm – tranquilizers! Then Caroline filches his AmEx and ups Albie’s limit.
Al, relieved to finally have another man in the family, takes Vito golfing. He warns Vito that Lauren is stupid, selfish, and very expensive at times. “Don’t let her
and her mother drag you around by your dick,” Al cautions.
Proving this point, Lauren and Caroline shop for wedding jewelry. “The best part about getting married is new jewelry,” giggles Lauren, hoping her parents will be stooged into splashing out for expensive diamonds (in addition to paying for the wedding).
Lauren ogles a pair of diamond earrings, which the jeweler lets her borrow for the wedding. “You could just cancel the wedding and get me these earrings,” a serious Lauren tells Caroline. Lauren needs some eternal cheese to go with her eternal whine – which is how, I’m supposing, she ended up engaged to Vicotta.
Lauren then complains that once poor broke Vito gave her a sterling silver necklace for her birthday. The audacity! Al believes Lauren’s priorities will change once she has babies – she’ll just name the child Chanel and tote it around like a Louis!
Finally Caroline and Al host a wedding menu tasting at The Brownstone. To prove their 1/16th Italian, they announce the mandatory bonding trip to Positano, Italy to a shocked audience of Scalias. “My mom is like Oprah,” blushes Chrissofart, who is now mommy’s favorite after Albie got Brittany and Buds. “What better way to get to know someone than going away with them. During stressful times,” exclaims Caroline. Vacations By Bravo.
TELL US – WILL ALBIE MAKE IT IN THE POT BUSINESS? DO YOU SEE LAUREN AND VITO LASTING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]