“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your
pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show!
Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie.
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Amy Johnson approaches Kate and praises their personal relationship after a “rocky” last charter season. I’m just typing how much I love to see these two getting along when Amy mentions feeling stuck in the middle of Leon and Kate’s issues. Kate’s feelings are hurt that Amy isn’t on her side, but she toasts the second stew and reminds her that she never needs to choose sides. Before dinner, Kate takes up residence behind the bar before the crew sits down together for a delicious looking pizza. Dane is wasted, and Connie and Rocky pose for pictures on a stripper pole. Eddie shows off his amazing upper body strength, and Rocky is quickly intrigued. Over s’mores, a drunken Dane rambles on about a home invasion from his childhood while Connie encourages Emile Kotze to keep pursuing Rocky, who keeps shutting him down. As Dane drinks his way to oblivion, the girls are in full avoidance mode while Eddie plays baby-sitter. When Eddie tries to curb Dane’s binge, he starts cussing and yelling that he doesn’t want to be there. Dean keeps stealing bottles from the bar, and Eddie bows up to him like only a precious bosun can do. With Dane out of control, it’s time to bring in the Alpha dog.
Eddie puts in a call to Captain Lee Robach as Dane hurls insults about Eddie’s pink polo shirt. As Lee sends the tender to pick up an out of control Dane, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The following day, Lee summons Dane to the bridge where he whines about his job and admits he knows he has to make a choice. A decision? The captain has spoken…and he slaps Dane with a plane ticket home. Dane pretends that he had planned to peace out regardless, and he hopes Lee feels superior for beating him to the punch. As the rest of the crew returns to the Eros, Lee shares the news, and Kate reminds the crew that everyone needs to keep respectful tones and civil conversations regardless of their personal feelings. Kate approaches Leon and kindly confronts him about his disrespect. He responds by pretty much plugging his fingers in his ears and yelling, “I’m not listening!” Rocky silently cheers for Leon behind Kate’s back (literally). I’ll be honest. I don’t get the Kate hate. She’s professional, great at her job, and, in my opinion, hilarious as hell. To each their own, I guess!
Lee discusses the next charter with Eddie, Kate, and Leon (awkward!), and the trio learns that a UFC fighter will be cruising on the Eros with family and friends. Lee urges Leon to stock up on healthy food and protein powder, as they don’t want to be caught without the requested provisions…especially with this group. Kate hides as smile. I know I’m hoping this will be the demise of Leon and his cocky eyebrows. That night, Eddie and Rocky exchange a few flirty texts. He complains about being stressed out, and she responds that the two have been “EYE DOING it for long enough. This needs to happen.” That’s how she answers a text about being stressed? Girl has
balls game. She’s ready for Eddit to make a move, but when he stalls, she invites him down to the laundry room wearing nothing but a wedgie and a poncho. Thanks to Bravo, we’re treated to the spin cycle and a few sex moans courtesy of Rocky. Oh Eddie. We all do make mistakes.
The following morning, Connie and Emile prep for the guests as Rocky does squats in her regular underwear that she fashions into a faux thong. She and Eddie awkwardly joke about being tired, and Rocky tells the ceiling in her talking head about how they both needed that release. The ceiling understands. It loves getting under the deck every once in a while. When the UFC fighter and his gang board the yacht, both Amy and Kate are smitten kittens. The guests descend upon Leon to ensure he has enough egg whites and protein. Amy is appalled when Leon pulls out some pedialyte-esque meal replacement in the name of a protein shake. Perhaps she’s finally ready to pick
the right a side. When Emile catches a glimpse of the main guest’s girlfriend, he’s totally forgotten about his crush on Rocky. As Kate questions Leon about lunch preparations, he ignores her like a middle school mean girl. Rocky flits in to commiserate with Leon and passive aggressively snub Kate. The guests push their food around on their plates, but no one is feeling the scallops. They want chicken quesadillas, and Leon is insulted. He made scallops. Amy tries to smooth things over by saying she sampled a scallop (“it was delicious!”), but it can’t be too hard to throw some chicken and cheese together to appease the guests.
Eddie meets with Connie and Emile, praising the deckhands for stepping up with a man down. He cites any potential offspring of Connie and Emile would be the most perfect deckhand on the planet. The head guest’s girlfriend tracks down Kate for an anniversary treat. She’d like flowers and a couple’s massage, and Kate is more than happy to oblige…BECAUSE THAT IS HER JOB! Rocky whimpers to the ceiling about how hard it must be for Leon to have everyone criticizing his dishes all the time, and she should know…she ruined her only attempt after Kate granted her wish to cook for the crew. After another mediocre dish, the guests request Leon and inquire as to a breakdown of upcoming meals. He waxes poetic about the fresh scallops and prawns and lobster he’ll continue to serve. The head guest basically tells Leon that if he’s served a prawn, Leon will be clothes-lined, Stone Cold Steve Austin style. Okay, so that was a bit dramatic, but you catch my drift. Leon slinks away with his
lobster tail between his legs, silently cursing these meatheads and their adoration of powdered meals.
The highlight of the episode is Eddie narrating the video footage of the guests exercising on deck. “My arms are so ripped and heavy, it’s a wonder I can lift them.” He’s so cute, so I’m going to pretend that nothing happened with Rocky. I know he’s doing the same! On the second day of the charter, the guests are playing on jet skis as Kate organizes the anniversary surprise. Amy tries to give Leon a pep talk, and even her rainbows and sunshine attempt falls short on a passive aggressive Leon. He passes the blame and rolls his eyes. Amy gets it. FINALLY. She quickly finds Kate to apologize for not seeing Leon for who he is. Rocky wants to spice up a boring charter by revisiting her mermaid character. Kate and Amy are embarrassed to serve Leon’s lackluster plating, and the primary guest calls on Leon once again. Unfortunately, he wants to thank the chef for a steak well done…or medium rare. Regardless, the guests like the meal. Meanwhile, Rocky twerks for Eddie in her mermaid tail as he slaps himself for breaking his number one rule: girlfriend or not, never hook up on a charter with crazy.
As the deckhands coordinate with Lee to dock, the charter guests are doing an impromptu photo shoot with wads of cash. The UFC guy lauds the crew for their hard work, reminding them that he’s new money and appreciated being treated so well. He can’t be bothered with some highbrow envelope to convey his tip…he just hands over a wad of bills held together with a rubber band. Mad respect. Lee calls his staff together, and he admits that this group of guests was humbling…they never complained (scallops aside). He demands the same from his crew, especially after garnering quite a tip. There won’t be any on-shore downtime for the group, but they are welcome to have some low-key fun on the boat. Connie finds some hair extensions left behind by the primary’s girlfriend, and the photos that ensue are the very reason I am so happy I didn’t have my heyday during the digital age. Meanwhile, Rocky texts Eddie for a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’, but he plays the “I’m tired” card. She’s persistent, but he sticks to his guns.
Connie, Kate, and Amy are enjoying an intoxicating bubble bath that is so good it makes it way into the hallway. Unsatisfied with Eddie’s silent rejection, Rocky hunts him down and uses her Siren powers to lure him into the laundry room. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Fool you once, shame on her. Fool you twice? You may want to recalibrate your hot-to-crazy matrix. It’s a thing. And if you’re not careful, it’s a thing that gets your bunny boiled. Bless your sweet heart.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? IS EDDIE PLAYING WITH FIRE WHEN IT COMES TO ROCKY?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]