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Below Deck Recap

Below Deck Mediterranean Travis Michalzik

In the last dregs of the summer season, the Sirocco continues to slowly circle France and Below Deck Mediterranean chugs on.

I couldn’t even be bothered to remember the names of the charter guests. I’ll just call them “Alcohol Now,” which is the t-shirt the primary was wearing when he boarded the boat. The primaries own some sort of luxury puppy palace. So, explain to me, again, how that makes you rich? Even if your only clients are Lisa Vanderpump and Kameron Westcott things aren’t adding up. But here they are and here we are, watching it all unfold; boringly. I assume the one woman who is allergic to everything under the sun (except alcohol and silicone – clearly) is going to have some sort of attack after accidentally consuming something Ben Robinson accidentally served her.

Either because the specialty plate went to the wrong person when one of the stews (you know it will be Anastasia Surmava) was distracted, or because Ben was so anxious about the burners and the size of the galley that he misread the preference sheet again and prepared something she cannot eat. Anyway the episode ends with this woman literally crawling out of her cabin and collapsing on the floor. Exciting to say the least (to be fair they were sailing through a squall).

Below Deck Mediterranean Colin Macy-O'Toole Captain Sandy Yawn

Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a mess! Messier than Travis Michalzik after making out with his girlfriend, vodka!

First, there are the guests who are so distracted by bragging about who has the biggest menopausal sex drive they forget to eat their dinner until it gets cold, then the primary tattles to Captain Sandy Yawn. Instead of assessing the situation (‘ass’ being the operative prefix!) Captain Sandy hightails it down to the galley to complain to Ben Robinson, who promptly shoves his finger into the pan of risotto and proclaims it hot. PIPING. As hot as Ben’s rage and regret that he once again sold his soul to Bravo: the pirates of dignity.

Ben Robinson returns Below Deck Mediterranean

Tears. So many tears on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. JuneJune, Sadness. JuneJuneGladness. Maybe JuneJune staying would not have been so bad, eh. We also saw the long awaited return of Ben Robinson. I have many thoughts about this. Many deep, snarkily pureed and hopefully beautifully executed thoughts.

So Colin Macy-O’Toole is about fall on his sword (anchor?) for June Foster. June has just been dismissed as Captain Sandy Yawn plays chess with inappropriately long hugs and meaningful glances followed up by Free Ice Cream Sunday coupons upon return to Florida. So June is out, Anastasia Surmava is down in the corner as third stew again, and Ben is approaching the boat to save everyone from poor tips.

And Colin, well, Colin is knight in shining armor dreaming of a home cooked pot of mommy’s Mac and cheese. If only he can get untangled from this daggone anchor known as Joao Franco‘s emotional neediness.

Below Deck Mediterranean Colin Macy-O'Toole

Last night’s supersized 90 minute Below Deck Mediterranean was so full of drama amongst the cast that after a while they didn’t even bother showing the guests. Like oh, yeah – those guys. I don’t think we even saw their final dinner, unless I was so distracted by all the cast issues that I blocked it out?

Lord Jesus I have the worst case of concentrationitis right now. I believe that’s called “procrastination” in actual English. Maybe Jack Stirrup is rubbing off on me when he should be rubbing the railings of Sirocco? We’ve all lost our will to carry on here. With three charters left to go, everyone has reached the point in the charter season where they’re in a haze of exhaustion. Most notably, Anastasia Surmava. Anastasia resembles a worn out sponge. Crumpled, and no amount of shoving Spongstasia in the dishwasher can bring her back to her former glory. 

Hannah Ferrier Travis Michalzik Below Deck Mediterranean

Something fishy is going on with Below Deck Mediterranean and with each episode we see the further unraveling of Anastasia Surmava and Travis Michalzik. Anastasia is reminding me of one of those Tudor princesses forced upon a throne she is woefully unprepared to reign; the pawn of warring factions seeking the easiest and most disposable means of domination. Anastasia is a sitting duck … and if she doesn’t watch out she might find herself served (undercooked) for dinner!

I do not understand where these sudden temperature issues have arrived from? Anastasia was doing OK the first couple charters. She assumed the mantle of chef, but now the girl needs to acquaint herself with Mila’s microwave! Or possibly have Captain Sandy Yawn invest in plate domes? Anastasia believes the problem is not with her cooking (No! Never her fault!), but in the 130 feet it takes to migrate food from the sweatshop galley – a literal hovel of doom where chefs go in like lions and out like sobbing mental patients – to the table. Um, how does 130 feet freeze rice?

Below Deck Mediterranean Johnny Damon

Oh Below Deck Mediterranean – sailing through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world with some of the most hideous peopleJohnny Damon‘s wife needs to literally take several seats. Preferably on a yacht she actually owns.

I don’t know what is going on with this boat, but the constantly twisted up anchor seems to be a metaphor for the crew as well. Anastasia Surmava is now officially WAAAAY too big for her britches, but her britches are probably a thong bikini bottoms, so…  Last week Anastasia was panicking over a unicorn cake. Now, she’s marching into the Michelin Star Service Station – without her chef’s coat! – to announce that she’s here to pick up her stars. Everything Anastasia served last night was a disappointment and the guests – bless their grimy, probably sexually unsatisfied hearts – were right to complain to Captain Sandy Yawn.

Chefs of the Below Deck: If we can make it at home using a Pinterest recipe we do not want to eat it on a yacht!! 

Joao Franco - Below Deck Mediterranean

On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean the cracks started to show with an overworked crew and an under qualified chef!

The episode opened with June Foster literally fleeing the dinner table to puke in a trashcan. I thought Bravo was setting us up for some enormous reveal. June is pregnant! Hannah Ferrier fed her a bad oyster! Jackie Seigel‘s ring had poison in it (and who tried to poison Jackie!?)! June had an allergic reaction to spray tan! The thought of dating Colin Macy-O’Toole made June gag.

But re: June and Colin getting together. Have you ever seen two such American smiles? They both have a full set of gator chompers. Teeth so white and straight and perfectly stylized by precision American orthodonistry that a full set of false teeth would just pop out of June’s uterus. 

June Foster - Below Deck Mediterranean

I can’t figure out who is crazier on Below Deck Mediterranean: new third stew June Foster or billionaire charter guest Jackie Siegel. These two are two urchins in a reef who live in their own worlds – it’s probably better that they stay there instead of permeating ours.

The trek to picnic at Eze continues. Up a mountain, down a mountain, up a mountain, down a mountain, up an inflatable slide, down an inflatable… Oh wait, haha! That’s only for half the crew! The rest of the crew is on a particularly odious Amazing Race challenge featuring deck chairs and how many can be carried at once without a leg being broken (the chair’s or the human’s – doesn’t matter!).

Joao Franco and the rest of the team at Eze finally get everything to the top (with Jackie is whining for food like a petulant child) that there’s no cutlery and no one is answering the radio because Captain Sandy Yawn has them all frolicking in the water under the auspice of crew training. Or producers just wanted another opportunity to showcase Anastasia Surmava in a thong bikini.