Well, well, well. It’s only the third episode of Below Deck Mediterranean and we already have an interior war on our hands. Last week ended with a standoff between Hannah Ferrier and Lara Flumiani, with the chief stew calling Captain Sandy Yawn in to mediate in the standoff with her subordinate second stew. And this week picks up right where we left off in the heat of the battle.
At first, Captain Sandy cuts Hannah off, telling her to let Lara speak, but the captain eventually sides with Hannah after hearing the second stew’s side of the story. In my eyes, it’s a classic Below Deck story. Basically, Hannah is angry at Lara for having an attitude about every little thing and Lara is angry at Hannah for she’s being spoken to. It seems like every season, on every franchise, this issue boils down to one thing: developing an effective management style. However, as much as Hannah’s lack of leadership would probably grate on me too, Lara certainly takes her attitude problem to another level. And it’s only been one charter!
We have finally docked on this toxic season of Below Deck, and they could fill an ocean with champagne and it still wouldn’t be enough to celebrate coming to the end of this mess.
There’s really not much left to say about the stupidity, except that the guys have learned nothing. As Courtney Skippon so eloquently explained (how on earth did casting miss that she was smart and go on to hire her?) about misogyny it’s not simply hating women, it’s putting women down for behaving in ways you think are reserved for men. This manifested in Brian de Saint Pern deciding Courtney had no right to share her opinions and should stay out of ‘mens bidnezz.’ Or Ashton Pienaar deciding he could shove his tongue down Kate Chastain‘s throat, because all she’s worth is an item to satisfy him, not his equal rank in running an entity of a super yacht.
After all the drama of this season’s Below Deck I expected the reunion to be somewhere on the crazy-level of your average Real Housewives reunion, but it was clear that everyone came with a plan to redeem themselves by being on their best behavior. Sure, there were disagreements, but polite and quiet ones. Even Kevin Dobson apologized and managed to find nice things to say about Kate Chastain. Not that we forgive him.
Andy Cohen was pretty direct this reunion. Possibly even skewing towards combative. He directly questioned Kate and Captain Lee, and even argued against some of Captain Lee’s points. Basically, Andy seems tired of Captain Lee blindly defending Kate at all costs possible. To err is human and last I checked Kate is a human, not the saint of the sea.
Without a doubt the unofficial theme of this season’s Below Deck was dicks. Being one, not being one, swinging one around, serving one on a platter, eating one, flashing one… And in the case of Kevin Dobson ALL OF THE ABOVE. Good for you Chef, way to make an impression!
Staying on theme it all started with a big ol’ cock, made of cake, that went over like failed viagra on a Tinder hook-up. As Kevin walked his penile accomplishment out to a room full of women talking about the subtleties of aging and the various phases of life, he reminded me of a toddler who peed in the potty for the first time, but announced it to the check-out lady at Target. Needless to say no one was impressed, and he’d probably have gotten the same reception from his future in-laws as he did from the charter guests and Captain Lee Rosbach.
Last night’s Below Deck was certainly stiff with drama, wasn’t it!? Former ESPN host Jemele Hill came on board with a group of her girlfriends to celebrate her bachelorette party. They wanted smiling stewardesses, nonstop drinks, and a penis cake. Well they got everything, but the smiling stewardesses!
But first … le drama! With mere hours left before the new – famous! – charter guest arrives, Captain Lee Rosbach has to put all the naughty slumber-partying kids to bed with the threat of punishment. No dessert for a week! He storms to the aft deck like an enraged mommy woken from her slumber. The only thing he needed was curlers in his hair to complete the look, (pecs are the new curlers).
Kate Chastain slinks to her bed then bursts into sobs. Kate is beyond fed up with being taken advantage of by the men on this boat so good thing she only has 3 days left to go! The next morning the mood is tense and testy as Captain Lee calls the entire crew in for a meeting.
Do male scorpions sting? Or is it females? Or both? On Below Deck everyone is feeling stung, which is maybe why they’re also lashing out.
Rhylee Gerber was doing fairly well after her pep talk from Captain Lee Rosbach saved her from getting fired, but a few crispy scorpions (and dickish deckhands) proved to be her undoing. Poor Rhylee – this is the worst case of gaslighting ever!
But first — sexyThaitimes! Alexis Bellino is still dry-humping her way to heaven. The former Real Housewives Of Orange County star is on board to celebrate her divorce from Jim by begging her new boyfriend to propose. Remember when Jesus Barbie aspired to be nothing more than the perfect Christian wife, toting a blinged-out bible to prayer practice (which obviously took place while simultaneously spinning)? Well Alexis abandoned that in a Coto Mansion. New Alexis is more Eve who ate the apple right off Drew Bohn‘s tree. Sadly we had to witness the whole thing.
On last night’s Below Deck there was a blast from the past when former Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino was the charter guest. Guess who was nowhere to be found? JimBlob Bellino! Because Alexis was in Thailand to celebrate her divorce with new boyfriend Drew. Jesus Barbie take the wheel.
Also Rhylee Gerber did not get sacked! Despite Ashton Pienaar‘s attempted mutiny to have her fired, Captain Lee Rosbach saw through the BS to realize that Ashton needs to do his job as boson and work with his team.
Sadly for Rhylee not all victors get the spoils. Even though she kept her position the entire deck crew is now barely acknowledging her and keeping it at minimum civil. Plus Rhylee knows they all conspired to try and have her fired so even when they try to joke with her later she isn’t sure if it’s a dig or sincere sarcasm. But it has been well-established that all the men on this boat (except for Captain Lee) are complete and utter asses, and last night definitely reinforced it!
This season of Below Deck is toxic in the extreme. Every single episode is like Game Of Thrones — with shammies and champagne. I need Xanax to even get through an episode of trying to figure out who’s the double-agent villain or the actual heroine.
I love Kate Chastain, and I cannot imagine enduring what’s happening on that boat with such a stiff upper lip, let alone rising above it, but I think we can all agree it was out of line for Kate to repeat to Rhylee Gerber that Ashton Pienaar blamed her for the fishing episode. Should Kate have spoken to Captain Lee Rosbach to disavow Ashton’s claims? Absolutely, but sharing it with Rhylee directly, when the situation is already so irascible, smacked of Kate wanting to enact some revenge. Ashton deserved it, but the fall guy (or girl) here is now Rhylee.