Manzos and Scalias In Italy

Last night on Manzo’d With Children times were a’changin’ as Vito Scalia and Lauren Manzo told their parents it was time for them to claim some independence. Naturally that was just token gesture, and absolutely nothing will change. 

The Manzo-Scalia bunch is still in Italy. For their final night in the paradise of Caroline Manzo‘s 1/16th dreams they are amid the splendors of a villa that is both a working farm and a restaurant. Alas it will be a nightmare for Vito Sr. and Denise when their blessed miracle Vicotta tells them the worst news they could imagine: he doesn’t want children he’s planning to open his own deli in Manhattan. 

I’ll get to that in a second. 


As the Manzo-Scalias wander through the gardens at sunset, Caroline and Lauren continue their succession of unflattering, strapless shorts-rompers with top buns (this twinliness with Caroline must be Lauren’s subtle way of showing that she’ll always be a Manzo in spirit?). Vito frets in the tomato patch with Albie and Christopher where he confesses he’s wearing an adult diaper – the only adult thing he’s ever done! – in preparation to telling his father his deli plans. 


Meanwhile, Vito Sr. and Al make mozzarella and have some man-talk, this time about the challenges of owning a business. Vito Sr. has no worries about the future of his deli – he has three sons, Vito, Vitonio, Vitodotti – his lineage is secure! Albert is all don’t be so sure – my two lumps of supposed sonhood ditched me to sell pot fertilizer and write children’s books in their mommy’s craft room. 

Across the gardens the ladies recline with prosecco, while Caroline dispenses stupidness faux-therapy to Denise and Lauren about the guilt Al feels about missing so much Lauren’s childhood, therefore Al has been buying Lauren’s love back ever since! Could someone put a block on Caroline’s AmEx that prevents her from buying self-help books (Ahem, ALBERT………..)?


As if on cue, Albert whisks Lauren away on a walk through the woods, where, after sobbing into her shoulder, he presents her with a Cartier Love Bracelet, which he locks to her wrist and will forever hold the key to. Aside from the entire scene being marginally creepy, the fact being that the way to Lauren’s heart is an extremely high-priced designer item is pathetic. Lauren tells Al she’s marrying Vito because he reminds her of her father. Al cries and he has no words for such a compliment. Holy Oedipus complex!  

Finally Vito mans-up enough to tell his parents his deli plans. They are shocked and are about to remind him of the reality of the situation (like – hey Vicotta – how youse gonna pay for opening a deli in Manhattan – you gots a business loan? You’re living with your in-laws! Are youse gonna end up like those Giudicies?! And of course, opening a business mere seconds after getting married… ), but of course Caroline interjects to give her two cents about how important it is that Vito and Lauren stand on their own two feet by creating their own endeavors. This is Caroline’s subtle way of saying Vito’s parents should buy him the deli to show their support, like Caroline, superior mother superior, would! 


Vito quickly says the new deli is actually a franchise of the family’s deli, and therefore is an extension of their business. Don’t worry – he’s not leaving Scalia to become a Manzo! Vito’s parents pretend to be supportive, however, you can tell his parents were all,”We’re tabling this now, cause TV and bossy-ass Caroline, but you’re hearing about it later!”

Back in Jersey, the Manzo’s are obsessing over the seating chart for Lauren’s wedding, which includes +1 with question mark next to Albie and Chris‘ names.

Lauren wanders in with a present for Al – she wrapped up her gold AmEx card and is returning it to symbolically represent that Vito will now be taking care of her wants and desires. Vito can afford Louboutins? Caroline gushes over how “deep” this gesture is, but Albie quips that it’s actually totally shallow (and totally Lauren!). 


According to Caroline the notifications Al receives when Lauren swipes that AmEx are directly linked to his heart, because he knows she still needs him and is connected to him. Apparently Al has lingering guilt over missing one of Lauren’s dance recitals when she was 5 and has been buying her forgiveness ever since. Something also tells me Caroline and Lauren have been exploiting this guilt trip ever since… 

Naturally Al insists Lauren keep the card, which we – and Lauren – knew he would. Alls well in Manzo-land, well at least the Lauren-division. 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]