A quick recap within the recap of their relationship: Mike and Jessica meet – she was young, beautiful, and impressionable and he was…available? Not sure what exactly she saw in him, even back then. They date, she converts to Judaism for him and spends years pushing for an engagement with laser focus. Arguments ensue, cheating rumors endure, and they get married anyway so Mike could floss in a $10K Tom Ford tuxedo (does Tom Ford offer partial refunds?). Now, they are six months into the union and it has less of a chance of survival than Mike’s shoe empire. We all know how it eventually turns out but this is the beginning of the end, playing out for all viewers to see.
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Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi and Reza Farahan head to the spa for some R&R after everyone survived the camping trip. GG turns this into a “healing” visit for her rheumatoid arthritis and explains how she is willing to try ANYTHING for her RA to get better. If that means jumping into a pool of salty Dead Sea water, she will do it. If it means giving up smoking, drinking, and being an all-around mess – nope, not happening (one can assume). Reza would like to discuss what’s really going on with GG and she admits that her doctors have recommended chemo as her RA gets worse. Reza vows to be there to help her mentally prepare.
Mercedes “MJ” Javid and loveable lug of a boyfriend Tommy Feight have decided to cohabitate and have even resorted to wearing matching his and her heathered grey t-shirts to demonstrate how in sync they are. They get a call about Tommy’s sperm count, and unfortunately, its bad news: his sperm count is so low that it would be really hard to get pregnant. The doctor does point out that this is likely due to Tommy not being able to keep his hands off himself hours before they did the analysis. Now he has to give a sample all over again and MJ makes Tommy promise to abstain this time. I am
definitely probably going to regret saying this, but Tommy is growing on me just a little. He’s not so bad when he’s also abstaining from ogling MJ’s “caboose”.
In a less promising yet equally laughable relationship across town, Mike is meeting long-suffering wife, Jessica, for counseling. The bomb is finally dropped that they are separated after Jessica has decided to move out. Mike seems to be completely devoid of understanding how this happened and blames the rift on the act of getting married. He seems to think there were no problems beforehand. Jessica admits that once she met Mike, she did everything to become the wife she thought he wanted and lost herself in the process. Mike gets emotional and says that he loves her more than anything else in the world and Jessica admits that she wants more. Mike believes she is blind to working things out because she is riddled with anger. I suppose we will have to wait and see what the source of all that anger and disappointment is (but I’m pretty sure we can guess in the meantime).
We finally get a deeper look into the life and times of Shervin Roohparvar. His mom is in town and GG stops by to
get free booze have dinner. Shervin introduces us to his adorably tiny Pomeranian, Ruba, who he uses as a “chick magnent” (Shervin, 1990 just paged you on your beeper to ask for that phrase back) to get all of his dates. GG is excited to meet Shervin’s mom, and to show her excitement, brings a bouquet of grocery store spray roses that look like they were for Ruba, given the size. Shervin’s mom is wondering why he’s not married with kids (#persianmomproblems) and Shervin admits he’s ready for this but is having a hard time finding someone who meets his standards. GG says Shervin is “loaded” but has no game and his standards are unrealistic.
Asa Soltan Rahmati meets Reza at his place (am I losing it here or am I even looking at the same apartment?) and head to Palm Springs to get all the details of this surprise wedding wrapped up. I’m sure it’s extra stressful planning a wedding that the other person getting married isn’t even aware of! Asa is also in full planning mode for her mom’s retirement party. Her mom is about to retire from a 45 year career of nursing to sling kaftans out of a Maytag with Asa and the rest of the fam but never mind that, any excuse to party will do so let’s call it a retirement party! Upon arriving in Palm Springs, Reza and Asa tour a restaurant that looks more clinical than cozy and book it as the perfect wedding location. That’s fair considering it’s probably the last place Adam Neely would expect to have a wedding sprung on him at the last moment. There is nothing about this place that says wedding so maybe that’s the point.
MJ and Tommy are back at the fertility clinic to get results on his retested sperm and turns out, it’s perfect! Whew, now MJ and Tommy are free to try and procreate, and even though MJ admits to some fears about having a baby, Tommy points out that it’s OK because she has to “carry it”, not him. Awwwww. This fertility clinic visit has all the components of your favorite rom com, right? The doctor points out that the longer they wait, the harder it will be and MJ says she is about 1-2 years away from this happening.
Back at Reza’s house in Palm Springs, Asa starts all of her wedding planning on some scrap paper amid a barrage of mustache-themed decor. Asa asks if Reza has considered the possibility that Adam MIGHT be caught off guard and doesn’t know what to say about all of this. Although Adam JUST mentioned a few episodes ago that he isn’t really all that sure he wants to get married anymore, Reza doesn’t see that happening and can’t see why Adam wouldn’t want to marry him. Adam might not like the surprise or the venue but who cares? What Rezilla wants, Rezilla gets! Even though Asa and Adam are supposedly super close, she is just now saying that Adam is not good in spontaneous situations at all and isn’t sure how this is going to go down.
It’s date night back in L.A. and Shervin has donned his best t-shirt (does he seriously not own a button-down?) for a night out with a beautiful blonde named Annalise, who grew up in Australia and is about to find out that Shervin desperately needs a geography lesson. Shervin immediately starts picking apart the way she talks in an attempt to be humorous and demonstrates that lack of game GG was telling us about. I guess Shervin didn’t get the memo that after 4th grade, it’s not considered cute to make fun of someone you have a crush on. The date ends and it looks like Shervin is going home alone. Maybe bringing Ruba would have helped.
MJ invites Vida over for dinner of celery stew and movies. She immediately springs on Vida Dearest that Tommy has moved in and doesn’t stop there – she plows ahead and tells Vida that she has frozen her eggs and will be having a baby one day. Vida Dearest looks more bemused than angry – even she can’t fully believe this nonsense. MJ admits that she looks around at all the couples in her life, like Reza and Adam and Mike and Jessica, sees how much love there is, and feels inspired to go for it. So, you’re telling me that MJ is inspired by Ditched at the Altar to Surprise Wedding and Already Separated in the First Year of Marriage? Those are the couples she’s inspired by!? MJ is in deeper trouble than I thought and Vida agrees – Tommy isn’t the guy for her and doesn’t want anything to do with this plan.
Asa is busy doling out kitten covered paper plates and other cat themed paraphernalia to honor her mom, Zinat, and her retirement party. I’m not seeing anyone outside of Asa’s friends here and ready to party on what I’m assuming is a Tuesday night, given the looks of this shin dig. Apparently, Asa isn’t the only one who is magical in her family and her mother is known as a Sorcerer.
Reza decides that while there is retirement from nursing, there is no retirement from sorcery (not even at your own retirement party) and makes Zinat do a Persian coffee grind reading on him. He wants to know if Adam will say yes at the wedding he knows nothing about but the coffee grinds reveal nothing about the outcome. Instead, Zinat turns into the ultimate shit stirrer by saying that someone jealous and treacherous is in the midst, just waiting to cause issues. Obviously, Reza takes this to be MJ and I have to call BS on this one. I think Zinat had a hairball that was blocking her third eye, which prevented an accurate reading.
Outside, Mike makes small talk with two other female party goers and MJ’s
drunken suspicions are aroused. She demands to know where Jessica is and Mike shifts uncomfortably but reveals that Jessica left one day while he was at work. Somehow, MJ turns this revelation into being about her and she is angry and feeling betrayed that she believed in their love when it was a façade.
MJ immediately takes her self-involved feelings on the road and starts telling an unsurprised Asa and GG about Mike’s wife leaving him. Mike overhears and gets mad – he thinks she should worry about her own issues. MJ is so upset that she takes off before she can enjoy watching Asa smear retirement cake on her mom’s face. MJ is drunk, over dramatic, and wants to go home to Tommy. Right there with you, girl (minus the Tommy part, of course).
Photo Credit: Bravo