Dinner is botched! A boat nearby sinks into the Mediterranean Sea! The skies darken, and the Greek Gods rain lightning down upon the Ionian Princess! Is it Danny Zureikat’s fault? Eh, probably. Actually, we get a break from nonstop Danny drama this week to explore the ineptitude of the rest of the cast. Namely Hannah Ferrier, whose communication skills with Ben Robinson (and with everyone else aboard) need some serious work. Welcome to this week’s Below Deck Mediterranean: People Who Suck At Their Jobs Edition!
We pick back up at the bar where Bryan Kattenburg is ripping Danny a new one. He wants Danny to remember he’s a bottom guy. Does that make Bryan a top? Bobby Giancola is trying his best to wear Julia D’Albert-Pusey down, despite her boyfriend back home. Outside, Ben apologizes for not having Hannah Ferrier’s back when it comes to Danny and his many antics. Instead of accepting his apology, Hannah accuses Ben of being “abusive,” which is laughable. Ben’s like, ah, whatever. Friends, then? Great! Buh-bye! He sped the apology session up to escape the emotionally unstable Hannah. Smart move.
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On the walk back to the boat, Bryan says he’s going to “light saber” Tiffany [Copeland] tonight. Which is gross. And cheesy. Just like Bryan! The dudes all laugh, but a hapless Tiffany is somewhere behind them unknowingly about to get light sabered by this tool. This isn’t going to turn out well. After getting his Perry Ellis sprayed on by Bobby, Bryan climbs into the Hot Tub Of Shame with Tiffany. Both are drunk, so they decide to make out again. Bryan also tries to speak, which does not go well.
He spews something sounding like, “Slhlrrrrrpevahwho!” at her by way of romance. Then opens another beer, finally biffing it as he climbs back into the tub. Tiffany, buzzed as she is, slowly comes to the realization that Bryan is the guy at the frat party that NO one hooks up with. Even if you’ve been pounding Mad Dog 20/20 all night on an empty stomach, this guy still ends up in the reject pile with all the other Foosball players. There are no beer goggles strong enough for this light sabered d-bag.
The next morning, Julia defends leading Bobby on at the bar. He makes her laugh! He’s good fun! But Hannah thinks it’s going to end badly. Tiffany also fills the girls in on rejecting the nearly catatonic Bryan. She’s out! In another room, Bryan rewrites history as he tells Bobby that Tiffany’s just too boring for him, so he rejected HER. Oh, please let Tiffany find this information out very soon!
Out on deck, Jen Riservato and Danny are washing the windows, which Bryan is micromanaging. Danny does not want to be micromanaged. He CONNECTS WITH GUESTS! Yet, micromanaged his inappropriate ass will be. Because he deserves it. Jen, however, does not. Jen should also not be subjected to Danny’s whining, yet she has to endure that as well. Ugh. I am starting to feel badly for Jen in ways I never predicted. She is managed by a douche and is coworkers with a toddler. I might have a stank face too if I were in her position.
Captain Mark Howard briefs Hannah, Ben, and Bryan on their upcoming charter guests: Alan Sr. and Alan Jr, father and son laser company moguls. Alan Jr. and his girlfriend will be celebrating a 7-month “relationship anniversary” which is its own level of stupid, as Hannah points out. But Ben thinks they should milk the anniversary, however arbitrary, to get them in the celebratory mood.
Down in the galley, Ben asks Hannah to come to shore with him for a beer and some eats. A giddy Hannah wonders, is this a date!?!? Is Ben interested? He’s hot and he’s cold, he rejects her, then asks her out. But really, Ben just wants to smooth things over with his chief stew. He doesn’t seem to realize that Hannah is all hot and bothered thinking about the single beer they will share under the Mediterranean sky.
As they chat over an island dinner, Hannah seems to chill out under Ben’s steady hand. He’s flirty, but stays firmly in the friend zone. They bond over small talk, then head back to the boat without mishap. Ben hopes his efforts have made their relationship stronger. We’ll see!
The next day, the crew prepare for charter. The guests are not charter – or Bravo – newbies, having appeared on last season’s Below Deck, and having been subjected to Rocky’s disgusting cooking. OMG! Is this Alan Jr. the guy who barfed in the bathroom over those grenadine oysters from hell? Ah, yes it is. Sweet. Ben has his work cut out for him. After their tour, the guests settle in and the Ionian Princess sets sail.
Uh oh. There’s already trouble in culinary waters. Ben serves tuna for their first meal, which Alan Sr. can’t eat. Hannah delivers the bad news, which Ben would have appreciated knowing before serving the sushi. Not Hannah’s fault in this case. But it seems like Strike 1 for her in Ben’s mind. He whips up another platter of octopus for the guests instead, which seems to smooth things over.
Alan Jr.’s girlfriend takes Hannah aside to fill her in on her and Alan Jr.’s Love Story For The Ages. Or in their case, seven months. She wants a Valentine’s Day theme celebration tonight, which Ben is not thrilled about. But he’ll figure something out for these cheese balls. (Is Alan Jr. related to Danny, by chance!?)
The deck crew bust out the water toys, and all is going swimmingly until Danny spots Bryan cliff jumping with the guests offshore. Why is he allowed to play with the guests, but Danny is not? whines pitiful Danny. Um, because 1) Bryan (for all of his douchebaggery) is not KISSING any of the guests nor writing them idiotic POEMS, and 2) because he is not cliff jumping with them whilst NAKED. Danny is so clueless, it hurts. There are not enough eye rolls in the world Jen can muster as she listens to this drivel.
Danny’s whining will have to be put on pause though, because there is an actual emergency at sea! Another boat maydays Captain Mark for help. Their vessel is taking on water and sinking fast. They need assistance. Oh my lord. Please DO NOT, in any capacity, send Daniel. (P.S. Will the real Ionian Princess crew come out of hiding now that real life and death work needs to take place? My guess is yes.)
Bryan springs into action and joins Bobby and – ha! – other mysterious unnamed crew members to bail them out. Then – OH HELL NO! Danny jumps on the sinking ship (literally) to “help out.” It’s all to no avail, sadly, as the boat seems to be taking on too much water to be saved. Another boat approaches to assist dragging the sinking boat to shore, which is the only option left.
Bobby and Bryan, recovering from the madness, bust out laughing that it took a sinking boat to get Danny to hustle. Maybe they should sink every once in a while to get Danny’s ass moving?
The guests, freaked out by what they just witnessed, all wear life vests to their next meal. Bwahaha! That sh*t is funny. “Did you see the Titanic?” jokes Alan Sr. They are not messing around. Especially considering their crew is an assembled mass of reality stars. #WearThosePDFsToBedYo
In the galley, Bobby and Julia are still flirting, while Tiffany is slinging drinks to the guests and running around like a madwoman. Also, after Julia serves a drink made by Hannah, Alan Sr. rejects it so hard, he actually comes downstairs to school Hannah on proper mixology. Yet Tiffany is still the inept stew? Interesting.
Later on, the hot tubbing guests (fully clothed, I might add) try to coax Bobby into kissing Julia, which she runs away from. They smell romance in the air, as does everyone else. Julia guilt-dials her boyfriend back home later to check in. They have a tepid conversation, in which she inserts some choice info: “this guy Bobby” is creeping up on her a bit. Julia doesn’t admit how much she’s been flirting back, which is interesting. Her boyfriend goes radio silent before they end the call (or did he hang up on her – what happened there??).
The next morning, Bobby tells Bryan about the guests calling Julia and Bobby out on their flirting. Julia keeps busting in on his confession, which Bobby just giggles off. He knows that if the guests see sparks flying, well then, sparks are a’flyin! Bryan, always the consummate gentlemen, snarks that boyfriends are “just speed bumps.” (Who here thinks Bryan will get punched by someone – anyone – before this season ends? Who here hopes it’s by a woman? I am raising my hand.)
Before dinner, Hannah and Ben discuss the evening. “Are we still doing the courses?” he asks, to which Hannah responds, “This is what I’m going to leave completely up to you.” Something tells me this conversation will get sliced six ways until Sunday later on, so take note. Hannah scurries upstairs to arrange massages and musicians for the romantic celebration later on. She feels a lot of pressure to bust out the perfect night to ensure a good tip from these guests.
Menu time! There is no menu to present the guests, so Ben breaks it down for Hannah. There will be two courses, beef kebabs and buttered shrimp. Hannah requests something lighter for the romantic night, so Ben offers to do some salmon crostini instead. Hannah is pleased.
As the guests enter their balloon and rose-strewn dining deck, they are moved by Hannah’s efforts on their behalf. She serves the first course, buttered shrimp (more like giant prawns – that look AMAZING!), which the guests think is an appetizer. Hannah called it “Course Number One,” so their assumption is not off the mark. But they don’t know that there are only two courses. They don’t want too eat too much of this course, lest they spoil the rest of their dinner. Which. Is. Not. Coming.
Hannah is confused. She now thinks Ben is doing a full dinner…? But didn’t they agree on two courses? Ben seems to think so, as he’s already moved on to whipping up dessert. Hannah seems to know she’s the one who’s botched the plan, as she tries to play it off in front of Julia. “He’s just changed it so many times!” she whines. Yet Hannah is the one who asked that the kebabs be removed from the menu. Hmmm. Julia feels weak. She can’t step in, lest the wrath of Hannah turn on her.
Down in the galley, Hannah sheepishly asks Ben if he’s serving an entree? No, says Ben plainly. The crostini were the main course. Huh? I guess we didn’t see those served. He asks if there’s something Hannah isn’t telling him. “No,” Hannah mumbles. He offers to throw the kebabs on. She again (stupidly!) says, “No…I think they’re fine.” WHAT? Why wouldn’t you save your own ass in this situation, whatever the miscommunication was? Bottom line: Hannah seems embarrassed by her mistake and instead of fixing it, now wants to cover it up. Then blame someone else for it later, no doubt. #LeadershipFail
Desperate to gain allies, Hannah actually confides in Tiffany about the dinner fiasco, omitting her part in it. Tiffany doesn’t know what to do. Nor should she. This is not her job. So Hannah runs with her new plan, after the guests agree: THERE WILL BE KEBABS! Ben hears the news via Julia, who catches Hannah’s punt via radio. By the time Hannah appears in the galley, Ben has his silent rage-stare fully focused on her. He levelly asks her, “What. Happened?”
Hannah admits she didn’t think the salmon was the entree, which Ben can’t believe. He snarks, “Can you stop using the word ENTREE? Let’s call them starters or appetizers and mains. I don’t even use the word ENTREE!” Hannah, not one to back down from a confrontation she can’t win (or one that she’s on the wrong side of!), snarks back something about Europe. (Am I deaf? I rewound that sh*t 4 times and still can’t make out if she said, “Well we in Europe, okay?” or something totally different!?!?) In any case, Ben and Hannah’s bonding moment over their island dinner didn’t last long. Lines have been drawn! Over a prawn!
TELL US: WHOSE FAULT WAS THE DINNER MIX-UP? IS JULIA’S FLIRTING HARMLESS OR CALCULATED? WILL DANNY EVER STOP WHINING?
Photo Credit: Bravo