Mercedes “MJ” Javid is still trying to process her (supposed) breakup with boyfriend, Tommy Feight, who I am actually starting to miss. There, I said it. Mike Shouhed is quickly losing hope that estranged wife, Jessica Parido, will make an appearance in Belize after an awkward invite from resident sh*t-stirrer, Reza Farahan. Finally, not to be out done in the “drama that doesn’t really need to be so dramatic” category, Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi went off on her last ally, Shervin Roohparvar, when he got tired of watching her pound drinks and smoke ciggs and simultaneously complain about rheumatoid arthritis treatments that may or may not be exaggerated.
CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE!
Another day dawns in Belize and that means not a moment of sunrise can be wasted on say, enjoying vacation. Not when you’re a hungover Shah. GG immediately high tails it over to Shervin and Nima’s casita, with MJ in tow and wearing a pretty ironic t-shirt that says something about peace, prosperity, and inner joy. She confronts him about their argument last night and whines that she feels closer to him than anyone else. The anger quickly dies down and Shervin just wants her to talk to him about it, rather than come in hot and start yelling. GG says fair enough, they hug it out, and since she hasn’t started drinking yet, that all seems fine and dandy.
MJ goes to talk to Asa Soltan Rahmati about how she has blown it with Tommy. She admits that she turned into a nag monster once he moved in with her and is upset that she hasn’t been able to get a hold of him since she left for Belize. MJ is starting to question just how far she’s gone but Asa does little to help with advice, just reinforces that MJ has very Vida-like tendencies.
At breakfast, the crew decides if they want to go cave tubing or stay at the hotel and get a massage. Mike is sad because Jessica should be here – she loves this kind of stuff. “This stuff” being the outdoors, drinking, and eating ceviche. His words, not mine. He’s hopeful that the draw of assorted raw fish on a plate and his promises of not cheating for a few days in the jungle will lure her to surprise him in Belize. It doesn’t but there is a surprise guest – it’s Tommy! He seemed to genuinely miss MJ and proclaims that he loves her more than the Mets. While I’m pretty convinced their breakup didn’t even happen, I’m too high off the cuteness of their reunion to care right now.
Reza, Asa, and Mike stay in their shared villa so they can talk nonstop about ceviche. Shervin comes to hang out and mentions that they were supposed to be here for Mike and Jessica. Reza goes into his dinner with Jessica and what she said – that Mike cheated on her and that’s why they are not together. Mike, like the true lying scumbag that he is, claims that she is just listening to rumors and saw a text message that meant nothing but she was angry enough to end their marriage over it. Nice try, Mike.
Asa asks Mike point blank if he’s done her wrong since they got married and Mike stumbles, before righting the ship and saying he didn’t cheat, specifically. When a producer asks him in his talking head, he claims that these are all allegations from Jessica and the entire world knows he’s married. Like that ever stopped people from cheating! Also, Mike is convinced that the entire world knows who he is (LOL). Even though Reza just claimed he stuck up for Mike when it came to Jessica’s cheating allegations, he reminds Mike that he does have a lot of disgusting, flirty ways. Nailed it! Mike gets mad and leaves the pool in a huff. He decides it would be better to go cave tubing – the ceviche just isn’t worth being
confronted with the truth interrogated by Reza.
Asa and Reza decide they are going to bust in on MJ and Tommy while they have sex, privately in their room, listening to Jewel and taping the whole thing on her phone. Asa is already distracted with this new project of photographing couples to celebrate beauty or some crap like that. As MJ tries to contain her ummm, flotation devices, we get treated to some of the shots Asa has snapped of the two and I cannot contain my snark. And dammit, I won’t. Asa should stick to kaftans or diamond water or turbans or singing or performance art or whatever the hell she thinks she is better at. Granted, her subjects weren’t the most inspiring since they could best be described as two lumps of clay in a pool, but still.
Once Asa is done, she and Reza head over to the spa to get a massage, eat ceviche, and not STFU about it. Asa stops talking about it long enough to discuss what happened with the Mike cheating rumors that Reza revealed. They decide that Reza is going to confront him about it
like it’s any of his business.
BTW, I’m skipping over the whole cave tubing part with Shervin, GG, and Mike because it’s boring and I’m sick of listening to Mike talk about how much he has grown as a person.
Now that Reza and Asa have gotten their massages and set their evil plan in motion to confront Mike, Reza calls Jessica and tells her that Mike is denying cheating. I’m not sure why Jessica would want to talk to Reza about this at all but hey, she has no love left for Mike and the flood gates of truth have opened up so she tells him her side of the story. She was doing her resume on his computer and an iMessage popped up that was new, but dated back weeks and months in history. As in, all the way back to the week after they got engaged. It was a trail of messages with Mike making plans with this woman from where to meet and what she should wear.
Reza pretends to be shocked and Asa just shakes her turbaned head. He vows to confront Mike under the ridiculous guise that he wants to talk sense into Mike and help reconcile his marriage. Jessica, who is probably contractually obligated to stay on the phone, stops being bored long enough to tell Reza she is NOT going back to him. Reza says he’s going to confront Mike anyway. Jessica is basically like, “ok, whatever can I go back to getting my nails done and finding a new man, now?” and hangs up to do just that.
GG, Shervin, Mike, and Nima come back from cave tubing and Reza decides now would be a great time to trap Mike in his room and confront him about his call with Jessica. Reza tells him exactly what Jessica told him and Mike just denies it. Reza has turned into a hostage negotiator and lists out the demands Jessica has but Mike doesn’t want to play ball. He knows that Reza is getting pleasure out of his pain and drama. Mike tries to shut it down but Reza continues to bait him by talking about it out loud whole and following him around even though Mike yells how he is done, done, DONE, DONE!! He’s starts to pack his bags to leave. Without a plate of ceviche in front of her, Asa just stands there in her bathrobe, unsure of what to do.
Mike storms over to Shervin’s casista and demands a cigarette. Reza follows him over, like the drama heat seeking missile that he is and Mike claims not to be mad at him, he’s just how he handled things. Once again, we flip to Mike’s talking head where a producer asks him again if he cheated on Jessica. This time, Mike uses the obvious excuse that he’s not that stupid. OK, then.
As Mike wanders around smoking, Reza fills in the rest of the gang about what Jessica said when he called her. Mike comes back and asks to speak with Reza privately. He says he understands that Reza is just trying to help and he appreciates it (ummm, really?). He finally comes clean and admits that there were text messages and he effed up. Mike doesn’t get specific with Reza but cut to another talking head and a producer asking him YET AGAIN if he cheated on Jessica? Mike says it’s true. That’s right – it’s true and Mike has finally admitted to cheating on Jessica.
Is there anyone out there left who is surprised? I’ll wait.
Photo Credit: Bravo