Famously Single is chugging right along, like the crazy mess of garbage on fire that it is. Speaking of crazy messes, Aubrey O’Day is dragging her trapped love interest, Pauly D, to get his tarot cards read by resident bohemian priestess/supermodel, Jessica White. Just in case Pauly thought this might be fun, Aubrey makes sure to let him know if the cards don’t turn up favorable, he’s a dead man. Jessica starts displaying the cards and it turns up that they should have sex. Aubrey gloats but that’s short lived – a queen turns up in the cards and apparently, that means there is another woman in the picture. Pauly is saying he can’t date another jealous woman but sorry, Pauly, you’re already in too deep. Good luck with that.
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Aubrey sits down with Dr. Darcy Sterling, who has out Katie Maloney’d herself this week. I want a side by side comparison already. Aubrey begins to tell Dr. Darcy about her fight with Pauly from the night before and laments that communication is soooo important. Obviously, since all Aubrey does is communicate her demands on Pauly. But she says she thinks the fight showed her a lot of red flags, which she tends to ignore. No kidding. Aubrey is 31 now and doesn’t want to waste time “having fun” and needs a lot of things to be satisfied, like depth and conversation. She jumps from red flags to mapping out how their relationship will work with them both being on tour and how Pauly needs to be committed. Even though Aubrey talks about how sincere and genuine Pauly is, she isn’t even close to coming to terms with being patient and seeing what happens. Dr. Darcy has no choice but to give up and likely question why she became a therapist to being with.
Aubrey and Pauly aren’t the only relationship drama in the house as Somaya Reece, fresh off her passionate hook up with Jessica, pushes Jessica to acknowledge that her flirtation with Willis McGahee is going nowhere. This seems pretty obvious to anyone who realizes that this bunch of dysfunctional hornballs will never make it together out there in the real world (real world being D-list celebrity land) but I guess Jessica isn’t one for reason.
She heads off to the kitchen to announce that she masturbated this morning and then goes on to pick a fight with Willis when he comments that she is a free spirit who is probably not looking for a relationship. As she storms off, suede fringe swaying, she leaves Willis, and the rest of us, confused.
In another group session, Dr. Darcy has her work cut out for her since more than half of the house is hooked up with one another. Brandi Glanville describes her relationship with Calum Best as “just chillin” and “pals” but omits that she ends up in tears multiple times a day because of her “pal”. Dr. Darcy gently suggests that maybe jumping into these old patterns takes the focus off potentially learning anything new about yourself and Aubrey is the first to disagree, saying that if the relationship is right, it helps everyone grow. She veer off into making it all about her and what she needs from Pauly and Dr. Darcy, clearly bored like the rest of us, says “good stuff” and moves on. Dr. Darcy brings up the newest hookup of the cast: Somaya and Jessica. Willis is shocked and looks uncomfortable. As usual, Josh Murray is present, but adds nothing to the conversation. He’s probably swiping left over and over under the couch cushion.
Brandi and Calum head out on a date/hike, with Brandi dressed in her shortest booty shorts and Calum in some weird oversized tank top. Must be the style in London. They sit on an already set up blanket, complete with bottle of wine and glasses, because what these two need to help their relationship is more booze. Brandi describes what she needs and Calum feels like he will always have her back. I guess at least until they fight later or leave the house and never talk to each other again.
Back to Aubrey talking to Willis about how much she requires from Pauly AGAIN (my ears are bleeding!) and apparently, she needs to be treated like a queen. I’m not sure where Aubrey suddenly got the idea that she requires so much, but I’m pretty sure this girl hasn’t been “queened out” in any of her relationships. I mean, when you’ve been on Celebrity Marriage Bootcamp before you’re even married, it’s just a hunch that you aren’t dating next level dudes.
Since Aubrey is full steam ahead and everyone in the house knows it, Pauly D is starting to feel the heat of what it means to even flirt with someone as intense as Aubrey. He sits down with Dr. Darcy to discuss his escape plan feelings and he admits that it’s moving too fast for him. Dr. Darcy points out that Pauly needs to tell Aubrey what he is thinking instead of just going with the flow and you can see that Pauly’s mind is blown at the concept of telling Aubrey no to something. She urges Pauly to take more of a lead in controlling the situation and I am pretty sure if Aubrey heard this, she would claw Dr. Darcy’s eyes right out.
While Aubrey is likely occupied creating multiple wedding boards on Pinterest, the group talks to Pauly D about how screwed he is with this stage 5 crazy clinger. Then they all head out to a bar to drink and annoy the hell out of me some more. Immediately, Aubrey is hanging all over Pauly and telling him that he is holding back because they have trust issues. Pauly counters that he has Aubrey issues and her beady little crazy eyes narrow in anger. Aubrey pushes that they aren’t going to be in a perfect relationship and keeps talking about their relationship. Pauly shuts down because he’s scared to confront her with his feelings, probably because she will kill him in his sleep.
Jessica and Willis have their own issues – mainly that Jessica doesn’t want to stop flirting with Willis, but also doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea. She continues to mislead him and poor Willis can’t seem to catch a break on this show. I guess going home to 8 kids isn’t looking so bad now. Side note: Is that his actual number of kids because I am fuzzy on the details once we get over the number 6? I can’t keep track.
Because Pauly D and Aubrey keep going around in dramatic circles, Dr. Darcy calls them in together to try and force the words that Pauly is too scared to say. She asks if they are exclusive and Pauly sort of skirts the issue but admits he does not consider Aubrey his girlfriend. It’s too fast for him to label the situation and this is definitely not what Aubrey wants to hear. Aubrey can’t understand the concept of taking it slow over time and wants a date on when Pauly will make it happen. She goes on to outline this fantasy of how she needs to be with someone who will leap through fire and slay dragons to rescue her, the beautiful princess. Uhhh, wrong show, honey, that’s the Bachelorette and you definitely aren’t Bachelorette material. Just ask Josh.
Dr. Darcy tries to bring Aubrey back down to earth and Pauly goes into some Donkey Kong analogy that I couldn’t even care to follow. They end up hugging it out at the end and go on a go karting date, as if go karting could blow the crazy off Aubrey. She puts her name on the score board as Princess Aubrey and at this point, I wish she would just go back to ruling her Kingdom of Delusion already. Did anyone learn anything this week? Nope. Are we one step closer to ending the show? YES. Tune in next week for the finale.
TELL US – WILL BRANDI AND CALUM WIND UP TOGETHER DOWN THE ROAD? IS AUBREY MOVING WAY TOO FAST?
Photo Credit: E!