Given the dramatic week we’re all trudging through right now, why not add a little more drama to our lives, courtesy of Lifetime’s feistiest franchise? On last night’s part one of the Little Women: LA reunion, the ladies sit down to rehash their season five beefs with each other, much to the exhaustion of everyone within earshot!
But when Plastic Martyr joins the group to tell “her side of the story,” Briana Renee and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] decide to escape via a secret hatch. Otherwise known as the backstage staircase. Brokedown Bonnie and Clyde are on the run, yo! At least our fearless hero, Kevin Frazier, is back as moderator to keep the craziness in check. #KevinFrazier2020! (Although, question: Why didn’t he bring handcuffs to shackle Matt to the couch for this reunion spot? He knows this dude is an escape artist!)
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First up: Seating order. Terra Jole is, of course, Kevin’s right hand Stan, joined by Tonya Banks and Briana on her couch. Interesting how times have changed since last year’s reunion, where Terra couldn’t have been farther away from Briana if she’d
already fired her tried, eh? On the opposite couch are Elena Gant, Jasmine Sorge and Christy McGinity Gibel, who was Briana’s LONE ally last year. Elena, who thought Jasmine was a poseur and liar last year, now seems pretty comfortable (well, maybe “meh” is the better word) with uniting forces with Jasmine to defend Christy this year – sorta/kinda. Plus, Elena and Jasmine have apparently agreed to wear matching colorful hair extensions?!?! In any case, the times…they are a’changin.
After being treated to a montage of the ladies’ infinite cat fights, Kevin asks how it feels looking back on season five? Terra says the season was a whirlwind in which everyone’s friendships were tested. Also, nearly everyone had babies, which has bizarrely become a non-storyline in the wake of this group’s epic dysfunction. But before we can spend time on any of this, Matt is literally rushed onto the stage to put his two cents in. Why so quick, Kevin? Dang! Give a girl a Matt-free minute, would ya?
After showing footage of Plastic explaining the “communication” she received from Matt, Kevin asks whether he has kept his promise to stop sexting his schlong around the planet at warp speed? Matt says “Yes, a hundred percent.” Asked if they believe him, all of the ladies avoid eye contact. And sit in total silence. Christy finally speaks up that she for sure doesn’t believe him, changing her tune completely since last year. Matt claims he has no open social media accounts, and any recent accusations are false! As for sexting Plastic, among many, many others, he admits yeah. He did that sh*t. Which we all know.
So why is Plastic coming around now, then? Briana thinks she’s an opportunist who’s trying to get on TV. True enough, perhaps, though Christy claims Plastic initially came to her to set the record straight.
In the name of that straight a$$ record setting, Kevin announces that Plastic will be coming out to the stage! Cue Briana “excusing” herself immediately, and Matt snapping that they have more important things to do, like raising their son (um, like, right now?). And just like that, Bonnie and Clyde race up a staircase off set and lock themselves in a random dressing room. Like adults do.
Back on set, Plastic explains how she met Briana, and how desperate she is to accuse Plastic of sniffing out some fame via her career. Plastic claims she’s not riding Briana’s coattails, because she has none! But Plastic is super famous, don’t you know?! <snort!> Kevin puts this chick on blast right away, claiming he’s never heard of her before. And he covers a lot of the entertainment industry. So.
But, back to the story of Plastic and Matt’s wiener. Cliff’s Notes Version: He sent her a photo of it. (Yes. And…?) Plastic says she thinks Matt should be called out for his actions – which he was, and continues to be (if only by viewers). But Plastic thinks it’s not enough! She wants vengeance! Or something…but it’s not quite clear what.
After much yammering on about justice, Tonya finally jumps in to call Plastic out on disrespecting her event. But Plastic is not sorry in the least for crashing, and furthermore claims she’s owed the apology! She also accuses Tonya prank calling her later that same night. Tonya’s like WHAT THE HELL!?!? She has no idea what Plastic is talking about. She doesn’t even have this heifer’s phone number. Hilariously, Tonya is so taken aback by this weird accusation, she doesn’t even snap. She just laughs her damn a$$ off about the ridiculousness on display right now.
But, moving on with Plastic’s
super lame story. She maintains she’s not in this mess for notoriety (which is highly suspect), but she doesn’t really have anything new to say here. Then Christy, who’s been sitting silently by, suddenly defends Tonya for calling Plastic names at the photoshoot. She knows Tonya isn’t trans-phobic, and (sort of) admits it was a punk move to bring Plastic to her event. And with that, Plastic is dismissed to twirl back into the dustbin she crawled out of. Gah! I had higher hopes for her on this reunion. Some new info? Yes, please! Old stories rehashed for publicity? Thanks, but no thanks.
As Plastic exits, Briana re-enters. But no Matt? Briana says he’s not coming back. Hooray! He’s pissed and moody now, so he took his marbles and went home
to sext new victims from his many new social media accounts that he totally doesn’t have. Briana speaks about her parents next, who reached out to the media after her hospital stay, accusing Matt of being a master manipulator who found “someone gullible” like Briana to control. Sounds about right. They also claim that Matt controls all of Briana’s communication, and that he’s to blame for her isolation from them (and her unwillingness to even introduce her new son, Maverick Jax, to them as grandparents).
Ever the victim, Briana riles against her parents reaching out to the media. Elena reminds Briana that she’s blasted her parents and sister relentlessly on TV, so naturally, they’re going to be pushed to strike back. Briana’s all, “It’s nobody’s business!” But Kevin calls her out hard, noting that Briana is on a reality TV show, thus it’s everyone’s damn business. Plus, Matt has all but made his dirty bits public property at this point, so crying “privacy!” now is simply ludicrous.
Briana says her parents’ issues with Matt have to do with his size (ie, he might have a fetish with little people), but Kevin retorts that their issues probably have more to do with Matt’s behavior. Which is deplorable. Jasmine asks why can Briana forgive (some of) her friends but not her family for being concerned for her? Briana says her friends are doing it out of love. Except for Christy! That chick is dead to her. Except wait – she’s alive and on stage right now! So they must fight about it. Some more.
Christy admits she regrets telling Briana’s family about Plastic, and that it wasn’t her place. But she, along with everyone else, was genuinely worried about Briana at the time. As for Briana’s arrangement to drop her daughter Leiana (with ex-hubby Leif) off with her parents weekly, Briana says Leif drops her off during his time with her. She maintains that Maverick will not meet his grandparents. Because punishing the child, in Briana’s twisted mind, feels like protection. So. Twisted.
Okay, strap in. For it’s on to concussions and police reports we go! After watching the aftermath of Christy’s police report on Terra play out in a video montage, the ladies weigh in. Groan. They’re joined on the couched by Joe Gnoffo and Todd as backup. Joe thinks Terra and Christy just need to stay away from each other – for good. Terra agrees. Todd is in agreement. He wants peace, and doesn’t really need Terra and Joe in his life.
After round 232 of who-threw-what-at-whom and who-concussed-whom, Joe gets crazy-nasty, ripping on Todd’s weight – among many other things. Todd calmly informs Kevin that Joe is “high as a kite,” which he told Todd backstage. Kevin’s like, “Are you saying he’s high right now?!” Todd says he mentioned it. Joe claims that he was just “kidding” about that backstage, but ummm…he’s acting like a spastic alley cat right now, so you be the judge.
In order to stop the shrieking, Kevin brings out the actual medical report, which reflects that Christy had a 3-centimeter contusion and was “groggy” after the incident, but no further treatment was recommended. Pulling the police report after the fact doesn’t cancel the fact that it damaged Terra’s rep, says Joe, not really grasping the fact that Terra does enough damage to her own rep by acting like a fool on this show every damn week. Elena finally screams that this is such old, rehashed sh*t! It’s time to stop talking about it. I don’t know about y’all, but this wrung out police report is dead to ME.
After storming off, then coming back, Christy says she just wants to move past this issue. So does Terra. Hmm. We’ll see how long this this fragile peace treaty lasts.
Moving on to the beef between Briana and Christy, both ladies remain at an impasse. But – hold on! Matt comes back to support his lady
and to get more camera time. Briana cannot or will not forgive Christy. Plus, she received death threats! (From whom? Her PARENTS!?) This doesn’t add up. Matt reviews the dramatic pain HE was in while Briana was in the hospital. Because HE has many special feelings, and they shall all be acknowledged on this stage! That is, before he slinks off again.
But why was Briana so isolated in the hospital, if it really was a life or death situation? Briana says Matt wasn’t controlling her; she just didn’t want anyone to see her like that. Okay, Briana. Keep moving those lips. Someone is bound to believe that line somewhere, someday. But that day ain’t today!
As for the aftermath of Briana and Christy’s fallout, which came to a head at Elena’s birthday party on the boat, Todd thinks Christy went too far. She called Briana “autistic” for f–k’s sake! What was that all about? asks Kevin. Christy evades, then finally admits that Briana’s sister told her she has autism. Briana busts out laughing, but Kevin addresses the issue head on: Using “autistic” as an insult is derogatory and wrong. Slow clap for Kevin Frazier. THANK YOU! But Christy counters that being an alcoholic is a disease, and calling her a “pill popper” is just as bad. She does, however, regret having “diarrhea of the mouth” in using that term toward Briana. But Briana doesn’t care about these apologies.
Matt delusionally jumps in next to claim the high road. Yes, if you can bring yourself to believe this: Matt thinks he has carried himself in quite a dignified manner throughout his many temper tantrums on this show! He gloats that he might have called people b*tches, but he never said the “n” word. Um. Earth to Matt: You are #TheWorst. You need to be voted off the island, as in The Tribe Has Spoken. And the entire world is The Tribe. Kapeesh?
To this point, Christy and Todd remind Matt that he called them all “Oomphs” last reunion, in reference to Oompa Loompas, a denigration to little people everywhere. “And now you have a baby oomph,” snarks Christy. “You’re making fun of our baby?” Matt deflects, acting willfully obtuse. Terra actually joins in to defend Christy, telling Matt he did call them that, and it is disgusting. But Matt does no wrong in Matt’s mind, so he shrugs it off.
Kevin turns to Christy next, asking about her sobriety. Is there an explanation for her erratic behavior this season? Christy says no, she’s just been stressed with her family. Kevin asks her straight up: Has she relapsed? Tearing up, Christy says “F–k them! I’m done with this,” before storming off stage. And scene.
Looks like next week will bring more questions about Christy using pills, the thousandth explanation of Tonya’s comments on average sized children, plus – janky bonus feature! – Christy’s two-bit posse from casino night takes to the couches. Oy vey. We’re almost at the end of this train wreck, people! Stay with me! I can’t hold on alone!!!
TELL US: IS CHRISTY TO BLAME FOR BRIANA’S ISSUES WITH HER PARENTS? CAN TERRA AND CHRISTY MOVE ON NOW? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF PLASTIC’S EXISTENCE AT THIS REUNION?
Photo Credit: Lifetime