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Little Women: LA Season Premiere Recap: Ballroom Blitz

It’s been a few peaceful months since the ladies of Little Women: LA have dragged each other through the wringer. Fall dropped its leaves. Winter brought holiday warmth and cozy feelings for all mankind. The promise of spring is right around the corner. I even did some major deep breathing before hitting “play” on my DVR last night in hopes that peace and harmony will reign supreme on season six.

Then I LOL’d at my ridiculous self for a full five minutes after watching the LWLA preview clip. Because these b*tches are here for battle! And battle, they shall. With Terra “Our Brand Is Crisis” Jole at the helm, this battle will likely be never ending – and messier than a yanked out weave.

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Jasmine Arteaga Sorge is ready to pop with only four weeks left until her C-section. The pregnancy has been rough – thyroid issues, gestational diabetes – but the baby is healthy. Jasmine’s son, Mason, is psyched to be a big bro. Also, he’d like to name the baby “Fart.”

Out on the town, Briana Renee, Elena Gant, and Tonya Banks catch up. Everyone’s babies are doing well, although Maverick (Briana’s son) may have some minor genetic issues to battle. She’s positive about the future, though. Tonya is nearly ready to launch her “Little Boss Body” activewear line and…we’ll just hold on our breath on that.

Before Jasmine joins the ladies, Briana floats the idea of throwing her insta-bestie a baby shower. A baby shower to which Christy McGinity Gibel will not be invited. Tonya’s all, “She might be Crazy Christy, but she’s OUR Crazy Christy!” Briana says she will invite her for Jasmine’s sake. But she hates that b*tch. And the beat goes on.

Conversation turns to Terra, who’d been having blood leakage problems in her breast before giving birth to her baby. Tonya is concerned for her friend. Three weeks postpartum, Terra began competition on Dancing With The Stars – something that Briana is INSANELY jealous over, but won’t admit. As for the other ladies, their biggest complaint is not seeing Terra very much anymore. Really!?

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Meanwhile at Terra’s, Joe Gnoffo packs for a trip while Terra reflects on her DWTS trials and tribulations. She feels amazing to be part of the top 5 competitors, but the show has basically consumed her life. She wonders how she’ll deal with life without Joe around? But Joe is like “Peace OUT! Mr. Mom is going on tour!” Terra, who has two hernias from the physical demands of DWTS, needs to see a doctor, ASAP. She’s not taking care of herself lately. Joe snarks that she’s a “superstar” now, so I guess that’s what counts in the end.

Elena and Tonya head to an erotic book store because nothing says erotic like…books. Elena’s sex life needs work, but Kerwin is making Little Boss happy these days. Despite the sextytimes literature around them, Elena immediately starts crabbing about Terra, who she only sees on Instagram. She feels closer to Jasmine than Terra at this point, which is laughable, given their history. Elena’s so hurt by Terra, she’s even reconsidering naming Terra and Joe as godparents to her sons. Tonya seems shocked by all of this, but says very little.

Christy, whose voice is raspy (we’ll find out why soon), and her friend Ronnie (remember this thirsty chick from Casino Night? Yeah. Me too. Sigh.) head out for coffee. And OMG you guys!!! My DVR just hiccuped (we had major storms during this broadcast) and jumped entirely over this scene!! Many apologies. I think Christy may have discussed her health issues post-surgery, though? Maybe? You’ll have to help me out in the comments!

Okay – jumping back in, my janky DVR situation is now at Terra’s DWTS practice, where Tonya appears with an eye patch which she’s wearing since being diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. Terra had no idea about Tonya’s health concern, and  is compassionate as she sees her friend’s temporarily paralyzed face. Tonya chalks her palsy up to stress, and fears that Terra’s stress is affecting her health too. Which it is. She reminds Terra to get to a damn doctor! Between the breast and hernia issues, sh*t is getting real.

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It’s the day of Jasmine’s baby shower and I regret to inform you that Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] is on the premises – under the guise of “protecting” Briana from Christy. I think he’s really here to remind us all that our choices in long-term partners or remaining single forever are #NotThatBad. Baby Maverick is also along because the sitter fell through. Elena and Saint Preston The Longsuffering arrive, followed by Tonya and Kerwin. Tonya is a BOSS for showing up in her tough state of health. Good for her! She wins the trophy for Most Improved this past year, hands down.

Christy arrives, sad that this is the first time she’s ever met Maverick (he’s 4 months old), but reticent to approach him because of Briana, who claimed she NEVER wanted her child to meet Christy. You know, the same as she’s told her own parents.

Jasmine, hubby Chris, and son Mason show up and Jasmine seems authentically surprised. After a round of pin-the-baby-on-Jasmine, the ladies get ready to hear the big gender reveal! Paint-filled balloons are popped and blue is revealed to celebrate the baby boy to come! So, that makes 4 for 4 in the baby boy department on LWLA for 2016. Maybe they will all grow up and be friends? Or take Matt out behind the woodshed to teach him a lesson?

After the festivities, the ladies settle into a conversation about Terra, who was unable to attend because of 12-hour rehearsals. Tonya tells the group about Terra’s hernias, which Elena thinks is further proof that Terra’s gone crazy. She thinks DWTS is killing her. And for some reason, this makes Elena angry rather than compassionate. Is this a Russian thing? Or more likely, a feeling rejected thing? Either way, it’s not a particularly good look on Elena.

In a bizarre twist, Christy and Briana sit down to chat amicably. But when Christy asks Briana to tea, Briana rolls her eyes and refuses the offer. Eternal wingman Matt sits by like the guard dog he is, claiming to “watch the baby” while emoting hate vibes on Briana’s behalf. He does admit that it took courage for Christy to extend that olive branch (good for him! Ugh – I just flinched typing that), but Briana, as always, is unmoved. Christy IS DEAD TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!

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Back at the DWTS studio, Terra is taking a break from rehearsal. Elena pops by for a visit to be “brutally honest.” She says it’s been too long since they’ve talked, Terra never texts her back, but Terra’s Instagram is blowing up everyday. Terra take umbrage to Elena’s accusations. She just wants her friends’ support, not their criticism right now. “It’s so much harder than I ever expected,” cries Terra. Elena meanly asks, “Do you really think you’ll be the winner!?” Okay, I love my girl Elena. But that sh*t was COLD.

Elena yells at Terra about her health. She basically accuses her of being a bad mom, a terrible friend, and a fame ho. WOW! Okay – the last two might be true, but still. Dayum. Elena thinks Terra should quit the show and “go take care of important things!” Exhausted, Terra asks Elena to just please leave, which Elena finally does by marching off, uttering, “You need help” for good measure.

Okay. That was intense – even for this high drama show. Am I off base, or is Elena going about this in a uncharacteristically brutal way? Maybe she just knows that Terra (being Terra) only responds to an immense show of force? In any case, the scene is set for a new bestie-breakup for season six. Fasten your seat belts.

TELL US: IS ELENA CONCERNED ABOUT TERRA’S HEALTH, OR JUST MAD ABOUT BEING ‘FORGOTTEN’? IS BRIANA JUSTIFIED IN CONTINUING HER GRUDGE AGAINST CHRISTY? 

Photo Credit: Lifetime

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