90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

The couples of 90 Day Fiance might not be able to see the enormous red flags whipping around in the tornado of their relationships, but that’s what family is for! At least, that’s what Molly’s family is for. But when her father and Olivia double-team to talk some sense into Luis and her, the 90-day lovebirds naively write off their concerns. In Evelyn and David’s case, it’s not family who interferes – it’s Evelyn’s very wise bestie, Mikayla. Instead of listening to to Mikayla’s rational questions about their rush to the alter, David shows that he’s just as awful as Evelyn when he cruelly insults Mikayla, reducing her to tears. Now I must also revoke my stance on David being kinda cool. It turns out he and Evelyn deserve each other. May their joint obnoxious, immature entitlement long-fester and destroy!

Meanwhile, Nicole introduces May to Azan’s family so they can help raise her too and Thailand-David and Annie are propositioned by David’s walking-ATM-friend, Chris – who turns out to be insanely creepy, guys! Aika also arrives on U.S. soil to raise Josh’s self esteem by at least ten bro points, and Elizabeth lands in Ireland to face the Gorgon Andrei. Whew. It was a super-sized two-hour episode last night, so let’s get to it!

We begin in Morocco, where Nicole, May, and Azan are traveling to his home. Still pouting over Azan “not showing her off” on her last trip, Nicole hopes to be paraded through the streets like a brood mare this time. Azan gives her a tour of a mosque (which is beautiful), hoping this little jaunt will suffice. Nicole looks at the building, probably not knowing anything about the religion or culture it represents, and basically says, yeah, I can do this.

After the mosque, they shop at the market and May – who is still on a leash – is excited to experience the sights and sounds. Azan is just happy that May can’t run anywhere, like straight into a snake charmer (what WAS that?!). Nicole says she’s happy too, but is actually still pissy that she and Azan aren’t getting enough “alone time.” Annnnd, I’m gonna need Nicole to stop saying this if I’m supposed to hold my dinner down long enough to finish this recap. <dry heave>

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

The sleeping arrangements at his aunt’s home are still up in the air, but Nicole’s hoping for some nookie. AT HIS FAMILY HOME. Little does she know, Azan has no plans of asking his aunt if Nicole can shack up with him at her pad. Because he apparently has the only functioning brain cell left between them.

After Elizabeth arrives in Dublin, Andrei gives her a giant hug, then tells us about his home country of Moldova. It’s a poor, tough country, and he worked as a bouncer there for a while – which taught him how to stand up for himself. Translation: He definitely got arrested. Ok, maybe not, but we’ll find out soon enough! Because homeboy has his interview for a visa in two days. Elizabeth is relieved that she won’t have to fight with him at the airport. That sh*t can wait for later!

In GA, Luis is hanging out at home with Kensley, Molly’s youngest daughter who is warming up quickly to the strange man living in her house and hogging all the Legos. Since Molly works a lot, Luis has essentially become a full time babysitter, which is making me think maybe Molly is crazy like a fox…? Because this babysitter is also a Spanish tutor – and a good one! The only hitch? He’s completely inappropriate in telling Kensley “I am your new father” during play time. Hey Luis (in my best Maury Povich voice), YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

After that messed up Darth Vader nonsense, Kensley’s face is like, Oh hellll no, bro! She sternly replies, “I have a father. I don’t love you. The only person I love is my mom and my sister.” Hand clap to little mama! Woot woot! This little girl is speaking her truth, and I totally love her for it. But instead of understanding that he pushed too hard too fast, Luis just pouts about both daughters hating him now. Gross. He is a man baby.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

Now, we must travel to Thailand for Annie and David’s traditional engagement ceremony, at which David will offer his presents of discount dowry funds, 2 water buffalo, and a speck of gold dust. Indeed, David is like all three wise men in one – if the wise men were broke and desperate. After the ceremonial praying and dancing, David leads Annie in a Thai-conga line all the way to her parents’ house. Well, let’s keep it real: Annie danced and David clapped and did the robot at one point. (And if you haven’t watched yet, I highly recommend rewinding this scene at least three times! L-O-L)

David’s best friend, Chris, his AWESOME wife, Nikki, and their baby join the parade to celebrate “how far David has come.” Like…from one end of the street to the other? Because this dude is still broke as a joke. Was he literally living in the gutter before this??? “It was the best day of my life,” gushes David about his engagement celebration. Although he already cashed in his tickets back to the U.S., he now suddenly realizes they need to go there to legally get married. Looks like he’ll have to shake that Chris tree for more loose change soon.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

Back in the States, Evelyn and David are preparing to torture meet her friends and family. It’s all firm handshakes and hugs and sparkling cider until Mikayla arrives, who David has already been warned about. Though he’s already fielded questions about why he wouldn’t like to live in NH with Evelyn, the news comes as a shock to her family when he reiterates wanting to move. Her father dramatically bemoans that it would be a “death blow to the band!” if David would take Evelyn away. Yoko David is all, meh – they can find a new janky Sarah McLachlan stand in, can’t they? He gives zero f**ks about this band just like everyone else on the planet.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

But it’s after Mikayla enters the COMPLETELY SILENT living room that tensions really rise. David opens the door to criticism when he immediately says that he’s heard Mikayla isn’t his biggest fan. Evelyn smiles her smug smile, asking Mikayla why she can’t just support her and be friends with the totally random guy who’s marrying her? Obviously, David has also been drinking the “I’m Special” juice, because he’s the one who really goes in for the kill next, asking Mikayla condescendingly if she’s ever been in a relationship. He snarks, “You sound like someone who’s not dating anyone.”

In tears outside, Mikayla tells producers that she is just trying to be a good friend to Evelyn, but they are treating her like garbage because she has rational reservations. Clearly hurt, Mikayla just sort of simpers out of the party – and hopefully out of Evelyn’s life forever. This poor girl needs new friends!!! I’ll be your friend, Mikayla. Tweet me, girl.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

As Andrei prepares for his interview, he talks about concerns with Elizabeth, who is freaked out by the info her lawyer gave her. Andrei writes off the lawyer’s worries, even though yeah, he has been in bar fights, has overstayed his American tourist visa last time, and also “did some stuff ten years ago” that he thinks is no biggie. Mmmkay. But the U.S. government might think it’s a biggie, Mister! If he doesn’t get his visa, Andrei just shrugs and says they’ll move to Europe. Elizabeth is not okay with this, but blames it on her family who “can be a little much.” She’d rather throw them under the bus than face Andrei’s wrath, which is yet another sign that this chick is in waaaay over her head.

Back in Morocco, Nicole, Azan, and May are given a warm reception at Azan’s aunt’s home. The whole family is thrilled to see their future meal ticket daughter in law and grandchild, and May warms up to Azan’s sweet relatives immediately. Plus, she doesn’t have to be leashed indoors, so that’s a bonus. Pause here for a question: If Azan’s family is so conservative, why are they peachy-keen on him marrying a woman who clearly has a child out of wedlock from a previous relationship? Isn’t that, say, more scandalous that holding hands in public? Again, I must theorize that poor Azan is being offered up in some sort of sinister plot on his family’s behalf. This just makes NO sense.

What also doesn’t make sense is Nicole demanding that Azan ask his aunt in front of the entire family if they can sleep together under her roof!!! He obliges, but breathes a sigh of intense relief when auntie turns him down. Azan practically squeals with delight that his aunt has saved him this small piece of suffering. But he shall suffer Nicole’s wrath nonetheless – maybe not now, but it will come later. For SURE.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

On a rooftop in Bangkok, David and Annie toast their engagement before they leave for America (wait – they have tickets now?). Chris and Nikki join them, telling them they’re happy to open their U.S. home to them during their K1 Visa process. David’s glad about this because he doesn’t have 1) a car, 2) an apartment, 3) a house, or 4) a bank account. Thus, we learn that David is even more of a loser than we originally realized. Nikki wants to be clear: Having David and Annie live with them was NOT her idea. Chris also wants to be clear: He would like Annie to work for her keep.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

But when Chris brazenly requests “Thai massages” from Annie “out by the pool” as payment for services rendered, Annie wears a look of restrained horror on her face. David swears he never told Chris about Annie’s special massages! But clearly he did. Or Chris is just a giant piece of sh*t all on his own. Either way, how did Chris score a bad a$$ chick like Nikki for a wife? He must have a boat load of baht. Damn. He is NASTY.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

In GA, Molly’s family is gathered for a picnic at which her father and daughter, Olivia, will be keeping it real. As the family eats their grub, Luis tries to control his explosive diarrhea that’s about to interrupt everyone’s meal. Because Molly’s dad has a lot of questions – like, where did you work? What do you want with my daughter? Why are you really here? TELL ME!!!!!!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

Glad that she’s got an ally, Olivia adds that she’s upset about how rushed this marriage is. Why can’t they just take it slow and see where the relationship goes? Well, there’s a 90-day visa to consider. Beyond that, it seems Molly has a history of moving men in and “falling madly in love” with every Tom, Dick, and Luis.

So, meeting Molly’s dad didn’t go well. Olivia hates Luis, Kemsley wants him to back the eff off the “daddy” talk, and Dad thinks he’s a user. Molly doesn’t care, though – she’s marrying this boy come what may. Luis, however, looks like he’s going to vomit right into the potato salad.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

We’ll have to leave that mess until later, because we’ve got another disaster in Ireland to check in on! The night before their visa interview, Elizabeth wants to help Andrei prepare, but he’s not into it. He feels pressured by this uppity woman to do annoying things like plan and prep and be “serious.” It’s just too much! Andrei would rather walk into the interview and wing it – because he’s not a woman “with a lot of feelings.” “I’m not going to kiss anyone’s a$$!” he rails. Okay, dude. But maybe don’t say that in the interview? (And please, please, PLEASE let this committee be made up of more than 50% women!)

In Marrakech, Nicole, May, and Azan go out to lunch, where Nicole again orders gross food. Azan isn’t thrilled to see Nicole’s refusal to change. Plus, it’s Azan who must change, according to Nicole. It’s her dad sponsoring Azan, after all, so he (and by extension, she) will hold all the cards. Azan is freaked out about this power dynamic – and rightly so. He’s also concerned about Nicole cheating on him again because she apparently went out with “friends” back in the U.S. without her ring. Um, I am more concerned about where Nicole is finding these multiple men to cheat with!?!? #MissionImpossible

“Do you love me? Do you trust me?” whines Nicole. Azan says, “I hope so.” Now in tears, Nicole reminds Azan that her father is taking a huge financial risk by sponsoring him. For now, Azan says he’ll try to trust her more. But in an interview later, Nicole admits she went out with a guy back home without her ring, which visibly shocks Azan. He wouldn’t have forgiven her – or invited her to Morocco again – if he’d known this important detail. Busted, Nicole pulls the only toddler move she’s got: A hissy fit. She cries and walks off set, screaming “The interview’s over! It’s DONE!” at the camera crew while Azan sits silently, arms folded.

Outside, Nicole begs Azan to trust her, but he’s unwilling to talk about it further. He just wants to sit in the dark and ponder how many escape options he has left. #FreeAzan

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

The couple we’ve barely met, Josh and Aika, are finally reunited when she flies to AZ from the Philippines. They are ecstatic to see one another in person again, and Aika’s even wearing her 4-inch heels and micro jeanskirt for the occasion. She’s also ready for Josh to prove that he can “provide” for her. To this end, she reminds him that she has “many admirers,” so he better show her the money. Anfisa, move over. The Aika has landed!

Ugh. After Luis’s antics this episode, I can barely stand the sight of his immature mug. But here he is again – this time on dog duty! Seems appropriate. Even though Molly has put him to work in the house, Luis is bored. The dog, at least, doesn’t actively loathe him. But it’s not enough to help his homesickness. Skyping with his family later, Luis admits life is not quite what he expected in America. Sure, he’s got AC and electricity – but he’s also got no friends, no life, and is served burnt bacon on the regular. His family encourages him that love will conquer all, but they have no idea how hard Luis is pushing to be a father figure to two girls who don’t know him from Adam. And Molly is delusional to not realize her pivotal role in this domestic mess.

Checking in on Evelyn and David in NH, we witness their second wedding fight. It’s riveting! Ok – it’s about RSVPs on wedding invitations, so blah. In bigger news, David wants his friends to be hosted by Evelyn’s friends and family – which ain’t gonna happen. David thinks providing accommodations is appropriate (in his culture), but Evelyn’s answer is a Hard No. The moral of the story here is that Evelyn likes things her way, period. David needs to realize this now, not later.

Since Aika’s arrival, Josh has been celebrating his new status as man-who-snagged-a-trophy-wife. When Aika sees Josh’s house, she feels like they’re living the dream. Uh – even with the roommate situation? Okie dokie! When the roommates, Jason and Danielle, are introduced to Aika, they welcome her warmly for a hot minute. Then Josh’s friend, Joe, arrives to put on the pressure. After giving Aika some cheesy gifts, he straight up asks if she was trolling the internet for an American husband? Not skipping a beat, Aika replies, yeah. She’s single, so why not? Joe is skeptical of her intentions, but Aika seems like a woman who can hold her own. And Josh seems up for buying her affection anyway, so it’s a pretty straightforward marriage contract. Plus – praise the gods – there are NO children caught in the middle this time!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

It’s the day of Andrei’s interview, and Elizabeth continues to be a ball of nerves. They head to the U.S. Embassy, hoping for the best and – in Elizabeth’s case – shutting up on command. She seems to be growing into her role as a turn of the century Moldovian housewife nicely! Groan.

We end in Morocco, where Azan still isn’t speaking to Nicole. After a surface conversation with her mother on the phone, Nicole hopes to dig deeper with Azan at lunch. He feels like a fool for ever trusting Nicole, but she swears AGAIN that she’ll never lie. “If there’s anything I don’t know about you, I want to know now,” he demands. Nicole says there’s nothing else, that she loves him, and she’ll be loyal! “Okay then,” sighs Azan, who’s still unconvinced that this is the woman he should marry.

In a Hail Mary move, Nicole promises one more time that she really will change – no matter what it takes! Azan looks skeptical, but his desperation for a green card must be spectacularly dire, because he agrees to try. Oh, Azan. You were SO close to freedom!!! Now, like a toddler’s backpack leash, it’s slipped through your fingers yet again.


Photo Credit: TLC

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