Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. Both a little scared, neither one prepared…everyone on this freaking show. Okay, it’s not a fairytale, but it does involve some witches, evil spells and even a trip to the magical land of genies! Yes, this week’s 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After continues its journey into the abyss as a sweaty, grumpy Nicole lands in Morocco with poor little May while Azan rallies as much enthusiasm as he can muster for the marriage he never wanted. Molly flees her own home to escape Luis, Anfisa tries to threaten the truth out of Jorge (um, hint: it ain’t working!), and Chantel decides she still hates Pedro’s sister as much as The Family Chantel hates driving anywhere in separate vehicles.
Annie sinks into a deeper depression about her life with David in the firehouse, and Paola drones on about thirty minutes too long about why she can’t choose between Juan and Russ. Oh, the humanity! Since we have another full two hours of trash to root through, let’s dive right into the pile and begin with Nicole and Azan, shall we? Because they really are at the tippety top of the stank heap.
Nicole & Azan
Alright, people. Sh*t is getting real for Azan because Nicole’s threats to come over and marry his narrow behind are now a reality. (Although if you check out the gossip mill, Nicole might never get to wear her wedding dress after all. Hmm…) As she arrives in Morocco, Nicole wants us to remember how harrrrrrrd this trip was for her. She’s leaving her
pretend friends! And semi-sane-yet-totally-codependent family! And filthy motel room! Also, she’s had a toddler in tow for this 24-hour trip, and May is deservedly having a meltdown by the end of it. Since Nicole didn’t bring her trusty backpack leash, she’ll have to rely on airport security or Azan to help a motha out. Because she certainly isn’t fit to deal.
When Azan greets Nicole and May at the airport, he plays the part of doting fiance, hoping Nicole will forget all about that “prank” voicemail in which he was professing his love of some other chick’s special kisses. He’s even taking her to the Blue City as a surprise before they head back to his family’s home in Casablanca. (Also, let’s be real: His family needs time to medicate themselves/pray/reinforce doorways before their esteemed guest arrives).
Nicole knows Azan is trying to make amends for f**king up, but she doesn’t care. Any scraps of attention she can catch are worth it. Isn’t that what she’s been paying for these past three years? At least May and Azan seem happy to be reunited, much like survivors of a shipwreck who know that their lives mutually depend upon one another. But when Nicole forces May to call Azan “daddy” again and KISS HIM ON COMMAND, I immediately feel stabby. I CAN’T. MAKE IT STAHHHHP.
At least Azan’s culture forces him to rent separate hotel rooms again, which irritates Nicole, but wards off any potential “cuddling” for another 24 hours. Essentially, the happiest part of Azan’s day is closing Nicole’s hotel room door in her face and running across the hall to rock himself to sleep in the corner.
The next day, Nicole manages to stay awake long enough to film at least one argument. Then it’s back to bed
for three months. She confronts Azan about the voicemails again, for which he still has no excuse. He also has no excuse for this mohair sweater/jumper thing he’s got going on, but that’s beside the point. Azan tells producers he never thought Nicole would hear those messages, and that “honestly, it’s no big deal HA HA HA.” But he pretends to be sorry for the sake of making peace with Nicole and sucking her parents’ funds dry. Azan thinks that Nicole has no choice but to believe him, and uh, he’d be right about that. “You just have a lot to prove to me,” says the woman who’s cheated on him twice.
Molly & Luis
Molly has hit her absolute limit with Luis, his loud music, his apparent penchant for dance fighting (wtf is he doing?!?), and his unwillingness to be a stepfather. After Luis cranks his tunes so loudly that even the TLC camera crew have to muffle their ears, Molly goes bananas. She doesn’t know who this man is, but he’s certainly not the stand-up individual with totally above board intentions she met at the tiki bar! Okay, Molly. Girrrrrl – you might be seriously slow to come to the conclusion that we all arrived at 10 months ago, but hey – props for finally getting here.
After Luis hides out in the guest bedroom threatening to call the police, Molly tells him to turn the music down and not to even THINK about calling the cops, dude! Luis, his phone, and his gross smirk need to GO, BRO. But even when Molly shoves him on to the bed, Luis just pops up again like the smarmiest weeble-wobble ever created and continues to taunt her. Then he practically smashes her hand in the doorway when she tries to get back inside (while he makes a fake a call to the po-po), so Molly says enough is enough. Because this man-child will simply not leave, she packs up Kensley and escapes her own home.
It’s a cautionary tale, ya’ll: Don’t turn your vacation bartender into your husband. Especially if you’re gonna drag your poor kids through the drama. Not okay.
Molly calls her brother Jess the next day to see if Luis is still
squatting in her home. Apparently he’s gone, so Molly returns to assess the situation. Her closets are ransacked and her bedrooms are trashed, which means that Luis took his trifling sh*t and scrammed. Now Molly is left with the wreckage of her bad choices, and only her ceramic owls and Buddha statues for comfort.
When she calls Luis to check in, he’s all, “YES?” as if Sallie Mae is checking on the status of his loan. “I don’t wanna talk,” he says before promptly hanging up on Molly. Then he locks her out of his phone – which, uh, is actually HER phone. Unlike last time, this breakup is not temporary. Bring on the divorce papers. And Molly – get thee to a relationship coach! Seriously.
Before that, Molly at least sees an immigration attorney to see what her options are. This attorney’s bad toupee is more believable than Luis’s intentions of ever being a husband and stepfather, but Molly seems to be realizing this ONLY now. She plans on taking immediate action on cutting Luis out of her life. The only thing he has in the U.S. is a gym membership, and she plans on taking that sh*t away too! Lol. I am here ALL day EVERY day to see the takedown of Luis. It couldn’t happen to a creepier guy.
Paola & Russ
Paola and Russ wake up the morning after #JuanGate, and Paola is still whining about having to choose between “my best friend and my HOSSBAND!” Russ sees the issue for what it is: Stupid and unnecessary. There’s no reason for him to ever hang out with Juan again and, furthermore, he doesn’t like the mean girl Paola turns into when she’s around Juan. At this, Paola defends that she’s “always going to be Colombia Pao! Not U.S. Pao!” Russ, make like an Oprah disciple right now and remember: When people tell you who they are, believe them.
To lift her spirits and make Russ sink into further despair, Paola drags them out to meet her old photographer friend, Geo. This is a guy who believes in Paola’s dream of becoming a top model at age 30. Therefore, he is assumed legit…? He’s even got a great idea! It’s a calendar. Yup – like the one hanging in David and Annie’s firehouse, one expects. Paola is excited about her second modeling prospect in three years. First, it was posing on dirty sheets for a YouTube rapper. Next, it’s body paint for ripped posters at the DMV. #SuccessStory
At the photo shoot the next day, Juan shows up to talk more smack and show off his new white pleather jacket. Paola listens to his vitriol about Russ, just smirking like always and claiming to want peace. But when Russ finally wanders in and sees Juan sauntering off set, he knows the score. Paola will always choose her roots over him – even if those roots are filled with dry rot and crusty hair gel.
When Paola’s parents see Juan, they fawn all over him, making Russ’s blood boil. He says nothing, saving his pent-up rage for more fights about Paola’s naked modeling. Even though he knew Paola was getting body paint for today’s shoot, he’s making it known now that he’s not comfortable. Well, Russ, I’m still not comfortable with this haircut you refuse to fix. So, let’s call it even!
Jorge & Anfisa
Anfisa can’t trust Jorge after his latest lie, but man, she can definitely trust these producers! They have homegirl’s back. After they “reminded” Jorge that he’d visited divorce lawyers with his hateful sister, Lourdes, Jorge knew he was caught with his pants down. But he’s still refusing to apologize to Anfisa, which is making her all “GET ME MY RED BAG WITH MY MAKEUP!” all over again. She basically wants the viewing public to understand that yes, she goes nuts of Jorge from time to time, but he drives her to it by being the lying sack o’ turds he is. (Direct quote from our boy, Jorge: “I tend to lie all of the time.”)
After agreeing to go to individual counseling, Anfisa heads to therapy. She admits that Jorge is still lying, and she feels continually betrayed. The therapist asks about Anfisa’s family, who mainly consists of her grandmother. Her father died young, and Anfisa’s mother was more concerned about finding new husbands than raising her daughter. When the therapist says that this kind of childhood trauma affects current relationships, Anfisa tears up.
She can’t even name any of Jorge’s good qualities because the dude she’s married to isn’t the one who wooed her with promises of love and glamour. “Jorge has always been controlling,” says Anfisa. He’s used his money and family to leverage his control in the past. Anfisa seems to forget her own measures of control – including shutting off his phone, hacking his email, and keying his car. But whatever! Jorge is a world-class P.O.S. who Anfisa now fears more than loves. She’s not sure if she can ever trust him again.
Annie & David
Annie has made a new friend in KY, you guys! And it’s the only bright spot of this episode – nay, this series? – seeing at least one person make a meaningful connection outside of their dumpster fire relationships. Tuk, who’s also Thai, meets Annie at a local Thai Buddhist temple to pray with her and chat about life in America.
It comes down to this: Annie may have been in on the scheme with David to leech off Chris and Nikki for life, but things aren’t going according to plan. Now, the only thing expanding in David’s world is his waistline, while Annie sits idly by having to make Boom-Boom with him on the reg. She expected America to deliver dreams – a home, income, and babies. Instead, she got the occasional chips and guac with an apartment that has a fire pole as its main escape route. Tuk wonders why Annie’s husband doesn’t just get a job already? Annie says he refuses to flip burgers; he wants a “big job.” Well, I think we all want to pretend we never bore witness to hearing about your sex life, Annie. But we can’t have it all.
Chantel & Pedro
The Family Chantel are making good on their promise to investigate Pedro, and they’ve apparently sought out Nancy Grace’s even angrier sister to do the job. The entire family drives Chantel to see the P.I., then prods her to tell the mean lady where the bad man hurt her. Okay – it’s more specific, but we’ve heard it all before. They think Pedro has a secret family somewhere, that his mom is running a “marriage ring,” and that this dude is basically NO BEUNO.
Chantel gets pissed as it slowly dawns on her that this P.I. might actually investigate her husband for reals, and that even crazy hair lady thinks he’s a potential gold-digger/cheater! But her family is more concerned about the fact that Pedro has his phone and computer locked. They want to know what he’s really doing in his spare time – besides playing Call of Duty and fantasizing about all of their deaths.
After they install a brand new sectional the size of River’s current hair situation, Pedro celebrates the fact that his sister, Nicole, will now have a place to sleep. But Pedro better sleep with one eye open, because his ass is about to get tailed by Nancy Jr. When Chantel admits the P.I. appointment she went to, Pedro is in disbelief. He can’t believe The Family Chantel would actually follow through on their wacko plans, or that Chantel would go along. “They just don’t trust your family,” says Chantel. Pedro doesn’t know what to do to get these Americans off his back, even accusing them of being racist. Um…WHAT? In any case, both families suck the big one, and short of running off together with no forwarding address, they are doomed.
After they pick Nicole up from the airport with a sad little “Welcome” balloon and flowers, Pedro immediately feels like he has backup. Chantel warmly greets her, but after a peaceful car ride, all hell breaks loose back home. Nicole is shocked to hear she’ll be sleeping on a couch. Her apartment is nicer than this, courtesy of Pedro! Chantel is offended at Nicole’s pickiness, but Pedro takes his sister’s side. He’ll buy her an inflatable bed if she wants, and tells Chantel straight up that he doesn’t like her attitude. At this outburst, Nicole starts cackling. She loves seeing strife between her brother and the chick who called her a “b*tch ass slut ass wh*re.” Now it’s Chantel’s turn to flee HER own home! Pedro has Nicole’s back 100% and, even though Nicole comes back, is not going to play “happy family” with Chantel for her sake.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT’S IN STORE FOR NICOLE AND AZAN? WILL THE FAMILY CHANTEL ACTUALLY INVESTIGATE PEDRO? IS JORGE MORE EVIL THAN ANFISA? IS PEDRO EVER GOING TO STAND UP FOR CHANTEL? CAN/WILL MOLLY GET LUIS DEPORTED?
Photo Credit: TLC