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90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

We may have thought this season of 90 Day Fiancé Happily Ever After has gotten as stupid as possible, but like The Family Chantel prophesied: It’s about to get a little bit more stupider. And last night, allllll of the crazies came out to play! It was a jam-packed episode with stink bombs exploding in every direction, so let’s get right to it.

Annie & David

David’s sister Nancy is in town so, naturally, it’s time to hit her up for money. At least that’s what the agenda is in David’s world. He’s also conscripted Annie into making dinner for Sister David, even though it means he has to cough up fifty bucks at the Asian food store for shrimp. Thank goodness he still has Chris’s credit card in that billfold because this fine establishment does NOT trade in water buffalo.

Annie is not happy about life in with David, which amounts to life in a firehouse with a man whose shrinking bank account is in diametric opposition to his expanding belt size. David imagines that Nancy will give Annie a tough time when they meet, but PLOT TWIST! It’s David who’s on the hot seat once they arrive at her vacation rental.

Nancy hasn’t seen David for 4 and a half years, having thought her brother would come back from Thailand well before he was able to snag a young wife and move her, much like a serial killer, to a second location.

After whining about not being able to find a job (BWAHAHAHA), David asks Nancy for money. “It’s not that easy,” complains David. Sister David is like, UM YES IT IS THAT EASY. GET A JOB YOU LOSER. “I came all the way down here for you to ask me for money?!?” she scoffs. Nancy has no plans of enabling her pathetic brother, even if her sister and father and David’s best friend and the local homeless fella have all contributed to the lost cause already. Annie is, of course, humiliated.

Oh well. Shout out to Nancy for being the only sane person in David’s life! (And deepest condolences to her for looking exactly like David with a wig.)

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Because the first family meeting went so well, David takes Nancy and Annie out to dinner with Ashley. And I must ask: WITH WHAT MONEY IS THIS MAN EATING OUT?!? Annie talks about having kids with David, which shocks Nancy. She’s like, Um – this dude has no sperm. But Annie is holding out hope that David, who cannot afford a bag of shrimp, will come up with the $7k required to reverse a vasectomy. Ashley can’t believe Annie is living on this level of denial, and Nancy reminds us that David can’t pay rent so maybe shouldn’t be thinking about producing more offspring right now.

Annie is pissed off and feeling attacked. “Why I have to explain my life with YOU?” she barks before standing up and leaving the table in a huff. And since there is ZERO chance that David is wrenching himself out of that chair to follow his young bride, so he just sinks further into his own pile o’ shame. Instead, Ashley goes out to talk to her.

In the parking lot, Ashley listens to Annie’s concerns but reiterates that there’s a lot of family resentment with David – and they don’t trust his choices. “We’re not trying to make you feel unwelcome,” offers Ashley. As Nancy gloriously berates David inside, Ashley and Annie come back in to join them. David uselessly pats Annie’s shoulder as if that will make the hellish nightmare he’s created all go away. GAWD this guy is pathetic.

Before Nancy heads back to PA, David and Annie head over to say goodbye. Nancy reminds David that he is a LOOS-AH who needs to get a job, a home, and apparently, a vasectomy reversal. After David takes his (well deserved) verbal beating, he makes excuses and empty promises that Nancy doesn’t believe. She envisions David and Annie showing up at her house in 30 days, homeless, which is a valid prediction. But only if David can’t track down Chris and Nikki.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

After their heart to heart in the parking lot, Annie and Ashley decide to meet up for dinner by themselves. This time will not be such a Hallmark moment, though, because it’s time for Ashley to put Annie on BLAST. After niceties are exchanged, Ashley asks Annie straight up if she met David in a Thai escort bar. OMG!!!

Annie is like, “WHAT THE F**K?!?” which makes me wonder when the f**k Annie learned to talk like this? She denies the rumors, claiming she doesn’t care what people think. Plus – she never heard of a “suck d**k” bar! Also, Annie claims there are NO SEX BARS IN THAILAND. Which is hilarious/ridiculous. She does admit that she and David went to watch women shove ping pong balls up their hoo-has on occasion, but <clutches pearls> NEVER worked in one herself! Psshhhhht. Ashley doesn’t believe a word of it, but we thank her for her service in asking the obvious question.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Nicole & Azan

Since Azan fessed up (i.e: lied his rear off) about the “prank” he pulled with the sexytimes voicemail, Nicole has been trying to rebuild trust and to stay awake for two consecutive hours per day. Therefore, now seems like the perfect time to talk about why Azan’s K1 visa got denied! At dinner, Azan hems and haws a while before finally confessing that the visa interviewer had “a lot of questions” about his ex-girlfriend, who he visited in Belarus before catfishing dating Nicole.

Nicole cannot pronounce “Belarus” let alone figure out why Azan traveling there to see another girlfriend RIGHT before getting her on the hook is a problem. Then again, Nicole has a tough time vacuuming her floor/removing band-aids from her apartment wall before TLC production arrives, so…let’s just leave it at that. In her simple mind, she blames Azan’s ex-girlfriend for ruining her life. Mmmkay.

But never fear – for Robbalee’s (soon) here! Before her arrival, Azan takes Nicole and May back to Casablanca to stay with his family. Azan deadpans, “Everyone is excited that I finally get married. Is great.” This enthusiasm does not translate to him getting a job, which Nicole expects he will after all of her money runs out. And if Nicole believes that, I have a multi-level marketing scheme I’d like her to join…

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

At Azan’s home, his mother and sister are thrilled to see May and hopeful that Nicole won’t destroy their property or publicly shame their entire household. Nicole is excited for the wedding night, which she reminds Azan repeatedly. “Yeah…that will be a good thing…” mumbles Azan, as if being forced to eat a sheep’s eyeball. The happy couple only has a few weeks to plan everything, which Azan’s mom is willing to help with – but Nicole just dumbly responds that “Oh, like we have a lot to do, right?” Azan’s mom had no idea she was going to be starring in the Moroccan version of Bridezilla meets Dumb & Dumber. But there you have it.

Days later, it’s time for Azan to come face to face with the only person who has his number: ROBBALEE! After arriving and hugging poor little May – who she’s relieved to see alive and leashless – she immediately assesses Azan. He’s a liar and a con artist (and suddenly a mute) who has duped her very dim daughter out of multiple Starbucks paychecks, and any fool can see it. Does he love Nicole? Nope. Does he even try to pretend he does? That would be a Nopety-Nope. Robbalee is wary. But what can she do? Nothing.

At lunch, Robbalee asks about job prospects. Azan lets Nicole answer all of the tough questions, which is like letting my dog file my tax return. Um, Azan: You might want to take over here, bro. Robbalee is concerned that this ridiculous duo won’t be able to support Nicole, and she’s wondering if Azan is still dating 14 other women BESIDES her daughter? LOL! Nicole shuts her mom down, but something tells me Robbalee isn’t going to let the future stepfather of her grandchild off this easy.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Molly & Luis

Since Luis scrammed, Molly has been singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” and burning all of Luis’s Space Jam shirts. She calls Olivia, who’s been gone for a month, to tell her that Luis is finally gone. “It could take years to heal my relationship with her,” says Molly, perhaps admitting how badly she f**ked up as a mother? Please, Molly: Get your head on straight! What’s been done to these kids is not gonna be easy to fix.

At an appointment with an immigration lawyer later, Molly actually learns that NOTHING will be easy to fix when it comes to cutting Luis out of her life. Sure, she can divorce him, but she’s still on the hook for 10 years to support him if he ever needs government assistance or gets into trouble. She signed an affidavit of support during the marriage process, so the deal is done – whether he gets his green card or not.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

The lawyer, who is a clear upgrade from Gene Simmons toupee-sportin’ brother last week, looks at Molly like one might look on a dog who’s pooped on the carpet one too many times. As in: We both know what you’ve done here, and you’re going to have to live with your mess.

It could be months before Luis gets his green card, but Molly is advised to attend the interview in order to claim Luis didn’t enter the marriage “for the right reasons.” Thus, we enter the next chapter of 90 Day Fiancé territory, which has come to be known as the Danielle Versus Mohamed You Frauded me Now I’m Gonna Get Your Ass Deported! phase. (Someone please alert Friend Beth and Walmart Tom that their services are needed.)

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Chantel & Pedro

After acting like a royal pain in the ass about sleeping on a couch, Pedro’s sister wife Nicole thinks it’s all Chantel’s fault. Because Pedro has NO LOYALTY to his wife, he agrees. When he tells Nicole about the private investigator that The Family Chantel is hiring, Nicole wonders how her brother husband can live like this? But he’d better keep doing it because those flat screen TVs aren’t going to ship themselves.

When Chantel gets home from school later, she walks into the apartment and asks Pedro to talk. He ignores her as he texts on his phone, then finally walks out in a hissy fit to listen to his WIFE. He thinks Chantel is acting like a victim and, even though Chantel is apologizing now WHILE NO ONE ELSE IS, he still whines that she’s in the wrong. Back inside, Nicole just smirks, knowing she’s got the upper hand. (Did she ever not have it?)

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Since she feels unwelcome in her own home, Chantel goes to her family’s house to circle the wagons. Once The Family Chantel hears how Pedro and his sister are acting, they’re incensed. “That’s gross!” yells Sister Chantel when she hears about Pedro threatening to sleep in a hotel with Nicole. Basically, the whole family and the rest of America wonders if this “sister” is really a SISTER?!? No one understands what this sick situation is all about.

“They thought they met some stupid Americans,” says Mother Chantel. “But things are about to get a little bit more stupider.” Time to hire that private investigator after all. Nancy Grace’s Angrier Sister: You’re HIRED. Mother Chantel takes off her jewelry in preparation for the throwdown. River states it plainly: “I want my sister to divorce Pedro.” Chantel just whines that Pedro is good to her “most of the time” and she wants to make things work. Ugggggghhhhh.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Paola & Russ

We’re at the end of the longest fake trip ever, and Paola would like us to know how much was accomplished. 1) She saw her grandmother. 2) She orchestrated several ridiculous fights between her best friend and HOSSBAND. And 3) She had her torso painted like a bright blue flag in the name of “art.”

Before they leave for the airport, Paola and Russ hug her family goodbye. They hope to see her before four years go by again, but I guess they’ll just have to see how those TLC checks pan out. <side eye> In the car, Paola tells Russ how much she misses Colombia – her big family, the culture, the vibe. As Russ contemplates missing his old haircut/job/manhood, he tells her he knows she’s changed. But it’s all worth it…right?

Back in Miami, Paola goes running with her friend Jenny while Russ is traveling for work. Jenny was the only person (besides Russ) that Paola initially told about the miscarriage. Paola confesses that she doesn’t feel like Russ has processed the loss with her yet, or the news that her blood type may cause complications if they try to conceive again. “I feel guilty,” cries Paola. Being isolated from her family doesn’t help matters either.

When Paola heads to the doctor later that week, she learns more about her condition. She’s told that being Rh negative isn’t a terrible thing; she can get a shot that prevents complications should she get pregnant again. Paola is relieved, but not ready to try again for a baby yet.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

Jorge & Anfisa

Oh lord. It’s time for Jorge to attend his very own big boy counseling session. He’s even worn his best purple shirt and combed his hair over his ears for the solemn occasion. “I’ve been honest with her lately,” Jorge tells the therapist, as if NOT being a total liar for 48 hours merits a trophy. When asked what he loves about Anfisa, Jorge croaks, “Um…her honesty?” Interesting.

When he says making her happy = making more money, he’s not wrong. BUT Anfisa also wants Jorge to stop being a lying sack o’ shite too. And Jorge admits to producers that their issues are about more than money. When they ask him to list three problems in the marriage, he throws up his hands and says, “EVERYTHING!”

Although Jorge thinks money will solve everything, Anfisa says it’s still about trust. And she has close to none for her husband. He also got nothing out of counseling, which surprises no one. He isn’t willing to work on his issues, which is a nonstarter for Anfisa. “If therapy isn’t going to help with his lies, then I don’t know what will,” she sighs. Also, if Jorge doesn’t stop using all of his – um – “inventory,” he’s going to be in a straight up Weekend At Bernie’s situation. Homeboy can barely stay AWAKE during his scenes.

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Not Off The Hook

But I guess he’ll have to wake up for this next scene because it’s all about Jorge having A MYSTERY KID. Omg. Anfisa was notified on social media by Jorge’s ex-girlfriend that Jorge has a 10-year old daughter. Anfisa heard about the child from this “crazy ex” three years prior to this, but Jorge denied that the child was his. Since then, Anfisa has obviously discovered what a world class liar she’s married to, so now she’s questioning everything.

In tears, Anfisa says she hates to think that Jorge has a child he’s abandoned (that’s what her own father did to her, remember) and that he’s been lying to her about it for three years. “If this kid is really his,” she says, “I don’t ever want to have anything to do with Jorge again.” H-O-L-Y. S-H-*-T.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: DID JORGE LIE ABOUT HAVING A KID? WILL PEDRO GO BACK TO THE D.R.? WHO WILL DAVID ASK FOR MONEY FROM NEXT? DID ANNIE WORK IN AN ESCORT BAR? DO WE CARE?

Photo Credit: TLC

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