Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 Recap: Kat’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Birthday

Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 recap
ABC/Craig Sjodin

It’s that time again: welcome to the Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 recap! This week on Bachelor in Paradise, we pick up right where we left off in Episode 4. It’s Rose Ceremony night, and there are still 12 guys and only seven women to hand out roses. Five men are going home tonight.

Sean McLaughlin and Aaron Schwartzman are pretty sure they’re both going home, since they see no prospects for a rose. Sean quit his job in order to come to Paradise, so he would feel especially defeated to go home without finding love. Just shows how young he is. Who quits their job to go on a vacation? Are contestants on this show paid? Actually, they are. My friend Google says they each make about $400 a day to be there. Cool. But he’ll still be unemployed when he gets home. Sean’s praying to the Paradise gods for a miracle.

Kat Izzo casually mentions, “It’s funny that they’ve brought so many guys in, but not one girl has come down.” From her mouth to the producers’ ears. Here comes a woman down the stairs right now. Who the heck is that?

A feisty Canadian enters the mix

It’s Sam, but it’s not “our” Sam. It’s Samantha Picco from Canadian Bachelor in Paradise. Why? Don’t we have enough women left over from the U.S. version?

Sam’s come to stir things up. “I’m not gonna play nice,” she tells Jesse Palmer. “I’m here to shake it up and go for what I want. And I usually get it.”

Jesse’s pleased to inform Sam that she’s arrived on Rose Ceremony night, and the ladies have the roses, so she’s golden. He sends her on down the stairs in her six-inch platform sandals, and she joins the others.

Entering with an enthusiastic “Hi,” she is met by crickets and blank stares. Nobody else knows who she is either, but no one wants to seem rude by asking her which season she was on.

Finally, Aaron S. slyly asks, “Is this your first time in Paradise?” Good one, Aaron.

“Yeah,” she says, before remembering that that’s not quite true. “No, actually it’s not. I was on Paradise in Canada.” Mystery solved. And the entire room breathes a collective, “Ooh!”

Trying to suss out the available men on the beach before she has to give one of them a rose, Sam attempts to talk to as many of them as she can in a short time.

Peter Cappio tells Sam, “You look great,” even though she’s 34. In an interview, Sean thinks Sam’s the miracle he prayed for and calls her a “36-year-old fireball,” which is also offensive – and not just because he got her age wrong. Come on, guys. It’s not like she’s the Crypt Keeper. Jeez Louise.

The Rose Ceremony

Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 Recap
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Finally, it’s time to hand out the roses. The couples are Kylee Russell and Aven Jones; Rachel Recchia and Brayden Bowers; Eliza Isichei and Aaron Bryant; Kat and Tanner Courtad; Jess Girod and Blake Moynes; Olivia Lewis and John Henry Spurlock; Mercedes Northrup and Tyler Norris; and, at last, Sam P. and Peter.

Sadly, say goodbye to Aaron S., John Buresh, Sean and Will Urena. I hope Aaron goes home and DMs Sam Jeffries. They seemed like such a sweet couple and would probably still be together if only she’d been able to poop.

Kat’s birthday in Paradise

Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 Recap
Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images

Did you know that it’s Kat’s world and we all just live in it? Ask her. She’ll tell you. And it’s her birthday, y’all. Bow down and worship the Queen! And what does she want for her birthday? She wants a date card so she can go somewhere romantic and make out with Tanner. So that’s totally gonna happen, right?

And here comes Olivia with a date card. Yay! Kat’s eyes light up and she fake claps with excitement. But when Olivia reads the date card, her whole demeanor changes.

“Rachel, take a swing at love.”

Kat is furious. “No! Nooo-wah! I did not get the date card. Ugh. On my birthday. I’m only 27 once.” Do you think production purposely didn’t give her the date card because she’s such a diva and a pain in the ass?

Meanwhile, Rachel very cutely pretends to be confused about who she should take. “Oh, my gosh,” she Valley-Girls. “This is a very hard decision. I put a lot of thought into this, and I’ve loved getting to know all of you. But Brayden, do you wanna go on this date with me?”

“Oh, my god,” he laughs, playing along. “That would be so great!” They are so cute together. They just laugh and have fun all the time. They are perfection.

The human piñatas

Brayden and Rachel’s date involved them wearing flesh-colored swimsuits and covering each other with multi-colored bodypaint. They are making themselves into human piñatas. Side note: Why does ABC cover the thong of Rachel’s bikini with a black box, but once her butt is painted dark green it’s okay to show it? I’m confused.

Getting bored with just painting each other, they start pouring the paint and kissing it off. Rachel even has it in her hair, but she’s having so much fun, she doesn’t care. They are laughing hysterically and just having a great time.

“This is the most romantic date I have been on in my whole Bachelor career,” Rachel says. “I don’t need fireworks and a yacht.”

“It’s so much fun to just go and do something with someone who’s not worried about getting messy or dirty,” Brayden adds. “She looks amazing … When you don’t care and you’re not so fixated on it, that’s when your beauty comes out. Her beauty came out today to me.”

When they’re done painting themselves, they add pointy hats and star bodies. Voila! Human piñatas. Best Bachelor date ever. Just add a giant bowl of candy, and they’re ready to go.

Here comes trouble

Something gorgeous this way comes, and it’s not Kat’s birthday present. Here comes Davia Esther down the steps to Paradise, and she is absolutely beautiful. She was Miss South Carolina 2018, and the title under her name says she’s 32, but that’s incorrect. According to her Bachelor Wiki page, she was born in 1997 so she’s only 27. And did I say she was gorgeous? She also has a rare genetic condition called heterochromia, where her eyes are two different colors. Her right eye is blue, while her left eye is green. She’s stunning.

And of course, she’s coming to meet Tanner. The BIP producers are definitely trying to wind Kat up, especially since it’s her birthday. (Did I foget to tell you that?) And of course, Davia’s got a date card. When she walks in, the look on Kat’s face is priceless.

She reads the date card, “Davia, let love take the lead tonight,” and immediately pulls Tanner for a “chat.” As Blake says, “In Kat fasion, [Kat] is a little bit annoyed … She’s not taking it well, so I’m hoping Tanner deals with this the right way.” I wouldn’t hold my breath. Tanner’s a little bit dazzled by all that beauty.

In the end, Davia decides she doesn’t need to talk to anybody else and cuts to the chase. “Tanner,” she says, “do you want to go on this date with me?” He accepts immediately.

But to his credit, he asks if he can talk to Kat “real quick.” That’s more than she did for Brayden.

Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 Recap: Kat’s spiral begins

Bachelor in Paradise Season 9, Episode 5 Recap
Bachelor Nation/YouTube

Rather than being honest with Tanner and telling him that no way in Hell does she want him to go on a date with Davia, she passive/aggessively tells him, “It’s something you want to do, so you should do it.” But you’ll never hear the end of it, Tanner. Run, while you still can!

Instead, Tanner says, “I feel like going on this date might give me clarity.” Yeah, okay. So in other words, she’s hotter than Kat and you like her. Whatever. Just go.

In voiceover, we hear Kat screaming, “Are you kidding me? Of course, I’m going to be pissed off!” But she doesn’t say any of that to his face.

While they’re still talking, Davia comes and rescues Tanner from this circular conversation. “Are you ready?” she asks him. Kat stomps off and they leave. Power move, Davia.

Hurricane Kat rolls in

Tanner Courtad, Kat Izzo, Bachelor in Paradise
ABC/Craig Sjodin

After the happy couple leaves, Kat falls apart. As she’s sobbing in Kylee’s arms, everybody else walks in, carrying a cake and singing Happy Birthday (nice touch, show, with the discordant musical accompaniment). Kat takes the cake, walks away with it and we later see it floating in the ocean. I’m guessing nobody got a slice of that cake before it went for a swim.

Kat demands shots and a piñata for her birthday. At that moment, Brayden and Rachel return, still dressed as human piñatas. Don’t anybody let Kat get her hands on a stick! They throw candy to the group.

When Brayden and Rachel learn that Davia took Tanner on a date, they stop for a minute, wordless. “Oh … ” Brayden says, not coming up with anything nice to say. “Well, we’re gonna go get showered and changed. We’ll be back in a bit.”

At last, Kat gets the piñata she’s been harping about all day. They put a stick in her hands and scream, “It’s Tanner! It’s Tanner!” So she beats the sh*t out of the poor little innocent thing and tears it completely to pieces. Even when it’s lying all broken on the ground with all of it’s insides spread everywhere, she pounds on it some more. Kat’s got issues.

Kat smells blood in the water

Kat Izzo, Bachelor in Paradise
ABC/Craig Sjodin

The next morning Davia comes out wearing a bikini top that’s three sizes too small. Seriously, her boobs are falling out the bottom. Despite the ill-fitting top, Kat hates her for looking “really hot.”

Davia wants to talk to Kat and clear the air. Oh, no! Somebody stop her! But she asks Kat to go for a “little chat.” Oh, dear. This is not going to go well.

Brayden thinks Kat’s “going in for the kill. She smells blood in the water, and she is a shark swimming.”

Davia says, “The date went really, really well.” She thinks Tanner wants to continue to get to know her. Why is she telling Kat all of this?

Kat rambles some stuff about getting “clarity,” and wraps up with, “It just sucks cause it was my birthday, so it was hurtful … ” And actually, I kind of stopped listening at this point, because she’s just repeating herself. And then she tries to sabotage Tanner and Davia’s relationship by asking, “Is that someone you want to talk to and put your energy towards as well?”

Kat needs some serious counseling. Everything is everybody else’s fault and she never takes any responsibility. She’s exhausting.

Sitting at the table with Brayden and Aven, they’re talking about figuring out their relationships when Kat just lashes out, “I wish some guys would just get their f*cking sh*t together.” Yikes! That was aggressive.

And here comes Tanner. Run, Tanner, run! He asks Kat to come talk. Sam’s afraid Kat “might just burn Paradise to the ground.”

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays at 9/8c on ABC.