How many terrible groups of charter guests does it take to make not one, but two crew members cry? This week on Below Deck, the answer is just one. You guys! I cannot reiterate enough what monsters these guests are. And it’s only the first charter of the season! We’ve barely left the dock and chaos has completely taken over My Seanna. And I blame it almost entirely on Charley Walters and his band of vile friends. Well, if you can even call them “friends.” But let’s not ahead of ourselves.
Need I remind you, this is also the third time Bravo has let Charley onto this show. Two seasons ago, he and his gaggle of mean girl gays were the ones who forced Josiah Carter into a gold speedo. And reminded him of the gay bullies who terrorized him after he came out. Which, let me tell you, is sadly all too real in the hateful world of gay-on-gay social circles. (They also got chewed out by Captain Lee Rosbach that season for dangerously operating the jet skis without a kill switch, and putting their lives in danger.)
Who knew a housewarming party could drag on for so long? I mean, seriously though. This episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County revolves almost entirely around last week’s drama at Shannon Beador‘s party and its immediate aftermath. Hence the foreboding title of the episode: “The Aftershock.” And if last week’s glass throwing by Braunwyn Windham-Burke was the splash heard ’round the OC, this week is the aftershock heard round…what exactly? Well, at least around the Porch Streets of Newport Beach. Which are, you know, all within walking distance of one another.
Cut back to Shannon‘s rented suburban dream home. Braunwyn has just stormed out in the wake of her argument with Gina Kirschenheiter. The rest of the ‘Wives are positively scandalized by the lone, unbroken glass sitting at the bottom of Shannon’s pool. It’s almost as if they never watched Tamra Judge throw red wine in Jeana Keough‘s face back in the Season 6 finale. Oh right, none of them did. Because none of the women in this cast were on the show back at the very start of the Real Housewives of Orange County glory days.
Ahoy, yachties! Welcome to Season 8 of Below Deck, where the Stud of the Sea himself — Captain Lee Rosbach — is ready to take back the Caribbean. Wait. Captain? Captain Lee, are you there? Cap? The captain is not on the boat, people. I repeat: the captain is not on the boat.
This is what returning bosun Eddie Lucas discovers thirty seconds into the premiere when he boards My Seanna with his well-worn Cotopaxi backpack and is greeted by….no one. The gorgeous motor yacht we first met back in Season 6 is empty. And after making a quick call, Eddie discovers why: Captain Lee is in the hospital. But it’s not for a broken heart over Kate Chastain‘s exit from the series like you probably thought. No, turns out the invincible old sea dog slipped in the shower and smashed several ribs. We’re talking badly enough to be admitted to Mount St. John’s Medical Centre in Antigua.
Welcome back to week three of The Real Housewives of Orange County! Now before we go down the rabbit hole to discuss Shannon Beador‘s revamped food line, Kelly Dodd‘s latest tone deaf behavior or whatever hair nightmare Gina Kirschenheiter will inflict upon us this week, I realize I failed to analyze one very important element of any new Housewives season last week: taglines! Since I started with episode 2, I didn’t think much about it. But in retrospect, Bravo supplanted the taglines in the reveal with Jeana Keough‘s epic Desperate Housewives-inspired intro. So let’s dive into the Season 15 taglines shall we?
For starters, they’re pretty atrocious. I mean, right? Like, all together they might be the weakest batch in RHOC history. Possibly in all of Housewives history. And that’s saying something for a show that started out with Vicki Gunvalson crying, “I don’t wanna get old” way back in Season 1. Kelly telling viewers not to judge her? After everything she’s been doing and saying in the wake of a global pandemic? That’s rich. (And don’t even get me started on that “Drunk Wives Matter” moment.) Braunwyn Windham-Burke‘s makes more sense in the context of her alcoholism than it did before the season premiered, while Shannnon‘s “closed Beador” probably would’ve been more effective if she’d used it back in Season 13 right after her split.
Anyone need a Valium? Truly, I don’t know how you could’ve gotten through Part 2 of the Below Deck Mediterranean reunion without anxiety. Or at the very least a substantial headache. Because as much as Hannah Ferrier‘s firing (rightfully) angered fans, I never want to hear the words “maritime law” again. Except, sorry, you’ll probably be forced to hear them a whole bunch in this last and final recap of the season.
The first half of Part 2 of the reunion all revolves around the drama between Hannah and Captain Sandy Yawn. Was Hannah’s vape pen for CBD or THC? The chief stew claims it was CBD for anxiety; the manufacturer claims it matches their THC pen. Ok, that doesn’t stop Hannah from insisting you can put whatever oil you want in the pen, and doubling down that it was CBD. Jessica More jumps in to add that she also had a CBD pen on board, which promptly sets Sandy off. But what’s the captain going to do? Fire her? And really, does anyone even care anymore at this point?
Hello Real Housewives of Orange County fans! We’re two weeks into the seismic change that is this year in the OC and I’m pleased to announce that I’ll be recapping the lives of the First Ladies of Bravo for the remainder of Season 15! I’m an OG RHOC fan — I’ve been watching since Season 1, Episode 1. That was all the way back in 2005 when I’d sneak Bravo on the TV in my parents’ room, daydreaming about life behind the tony gates of Coto de Caza. Well, that and crushing hard on Shane Keough while stressing about whether Lauri Waring Peterson would ever live the OC lifestyle again. Of course, none of the women currently on the show were even a twinkle in Andy Cohen‘s eye at that point. And to be frank, I had my fair share of reservations going into the season because of that.
Could RHOC survive without Vicki Gunvalson? What about Tamra Judge? As a resident Housewives expert, I’ve always been an ardent believer that each city in the franchise needs an OG to act as anchor to the show’s history. So no matter how many ‘Wives came and went through Bravo’s revolving door, there would always be someone who’d been there from the very beginning. And whether I loved or hated them in any given season, I truly expected to watch Vicki and Tamra whooping it up in a retirement community thirty years from now for Season 45.
Raise the anchor because it’s reunion time, yachties! The entire Below Deck Mediterranean crew is back and dressed in their best whites to hash out a season’s worth of drama on the high seas. Well, most of them, anyway. And just like most Bravo reunions these days, this year’s proceedings will be entirely virtual. Though this time around, the decision is just as likely to be about logistics, what with the entire cast spread out around the world.
Captain Sandy Yawn seems to be only one landlocked, stuck at her apartment in Colorado with the protective foam corners still stuck on the frame of the artwork behind her head. Meanwhile, Hannah Ferrier is eight months pregnant in Australia, where she filmed the reunion at four a.m. The rest of the crew is scattered everywhere from London (Malia White) and Long Island (Alex Radcliffe, who’s blessedly shirtless in the opening montage) to the islands of the Bahamas (Bugsy Drake) and Martinique (Kiko Lorran). Meanwhile Rob Westergaard and Jessica More are both in Florida, but definitely not together.
This is it, yachties. Congratulations. We’ve done it. We’ve reached the end of this seemingly never-ending charter season on Below Deck Mediterranean. Is it just me, or has it been the longest season in Below Deck history? (It has. I just checked.) And with a two-part virtual reunion to go, we’re not technically done yet, but as they say on the high seas, a finale is a finale is a finale. (Do they say that though?)
Maybe the season just felt extra long coming after the first season of Below Deck Sailing Yacht, which I actually quite enjoyed. Maybe the near-constant cast turnover made it feel like the season never got its sea legs. Or perhaps it was the combination of Tom Checketts‘ spoiled brat tantrums mixed with Rob Westergaard and Jessica More‘s confusing relationship drama that dragged the season on and on. Yeah, it was definitely that.