Anchors aweigh, JL saves the day! Who knew our boy Jean-Luc Cerza Lanaux had it in him? And who knew Gary King would trust his junior deckhand with such a dangerous, potentially deadly task? (Especially one that could lead to a terrifying watery grave.) On second thought, maybe it makes sense that Gary would put JL in that position rather than risk himself. But either way, the deckhand came through in a crisis. But as always, I’m getting ahead of myself…
At the end of last week’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht, Jean-Luc was not exactly getting a heroic edit. Far from it, in fact. With the charter guests roasting atop an ancient Croatian castle, he couldn’t be bothered to stop eating dinner and bring them a few bottles of water. Instead, Gary had to rush down from the highest tower and do JL’s job for him. Before the deckhand could even find the cooler bag, Gary had made it to Parsifal and back, bragging to Daisy Kelliher that he knew he’d do the job quicker than JL.
The summer may be over, but it’s time to get the Good Vibe Tribe back together for the Summer House Season 5 reunion! And it’s extra exciting because after five seasons, it’s the first proper reunion the gang has ever gotten from Bravo. During Season 2, they were all crammed onto chairs in the WWHL Clubhouse. (Remember how newbie Amit Neuman said all of five words during the whole day? Good times. Honestly the best thing that came out of that reunion was Kyle Cooke‘s legendary 17-page email.) And Season 4’s sit-down, in the early days of the pandemic, was virtual. Personally, I’ll never forgive the Bravo gods for not gifting us a reunion following Season 3. Mostly because we never got the pleasure of seeing Jordan Verroi in the hot seat.
So yes, after five seasons, the housemates have finally graduated to a well-deserved reunion set. And I could not be more here for it. The cascading flowers. The Hamptons-chic vibe. It’s all perfect. But before we dive into the drama, can we talk about this seating chart for a second? Because I’m confused. If the cast can sit together in twos and threes, doesn’t that…violate…the social distancing guidelines set forth by Bravo? At every other reunion in a post-COVID world, cast members have been required to stay six feet apart. In separate seats. With no touching. But I guess that rule doesn’t apply to the Summer House crew?
Sydney Zaruba is a bit unhinged when it comes to love. That’s become a well-established fact in the universe of Below Deck Sailing Yacht. But it turns out that when you add alcohol, she gets even worse. This is something poor Alli Dore learned quickly at the end of last week’s episode. You know, the one where a drunk Sydney went on the attack and drove Alli to flee to her cabin with her constant passive-aggressive jabs. Last week, Colin Macrae chalked it up Sydney just being a scary drunk. But this week, he expounds on his theory that it all goes back to the love triangle that never ends. Sydney’s just jealous and picking a fight over Gary King.
Thankfully, we quickly skip ahead to the next morning. Which turns out to be a turnaround day on the boat, since the next charter doesn’t start until the following afternoon. Jean-Luc Cerza Lanaux and Dani Soares emerge from their guest cabin in postcoital bliss. Or at least general giddiness. (They even used the master suite because it tuns out JL’s 6’9″ frame won’t even fit in the other guest beds, either.) And Alli‘s waking up to the realization that yes, she has a growing “attachment” to Gary. But she refuses to do anything about it on account of Sydney‘s, ahem, rather intense feelings for the shaggy-haired first mate.
Well, Good Vibe Tribe. We’ve finally arrived at the end of summer. It’s here, and after 12 weeks, Season 5 of Summer House is drawing to a close. And to be honest, I’m feeling a little shortchanged. The cast was quarantined together for six weeks straight, and all we got was a dozen episodes out of it? That’s two less than last season. And the season before it, actually. Could production not squeeze just a little more drama out of 42 days of filming? I’m not actually mad about it, I’m just sad because I’m not ready for the season to be over yet.
The finale kicks off with Hannah Berner continue to rage about the fight she picked with the other girls about Des Bishop. Hannah wasn’t being defensive, she was simply defending herself, mmmk? She claims Amanda Batula came at her about her boyfriend (she didn’t) and that Paige DeSorbo didn’t defend her (her behavior was indefensible). Add in the fact that everyone likes Danielle Olivera‘s boyfriend more than hers and Hannah is seething. But the only person giving her tantrum the time of day is Ciara Miller. So how about we just let her spiral in her room and stop giving her the attention she so badly craves. Deal?
Portions sizes. That’s the latest topic of contention between Daisy Kelliher and Natasha De Bourg on Below Deck Sailing Yacht. At the end of last week’s episode, the chief stew and the chef went head to head over rather large serving sizes. See, the guests all said the food was great. There was just one problem: they literally couldn’t finish their meal. Of course, when Daisy pointed this out as the boat’s intermediary between the guests and the galley, Natasha threw a fit and stormed off.
But in reality, the fight wasn’t about how much food is on each plate during service. Even though Daisy was technically correct on that point. It’s about Natasha‘s startling inability to take any kind of feedback. Constructive or otherwise. In Natasha’s world, she’s perfect. And she isn’t interested in hearing anything otherwise, thank you very much. Not even when she has yet to successfully cook an egg for breakfast this entire season.
If I have to listen to Hannah Berner brag for one more second about all the sex she had with Des Bishop in the Summer House, I’m going to vomit. But that’s right where this week’s episode begins. With Des bragging about going down on Hannah in Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula‘s bathroom. As if we could’ve scrubbed that particular detail from our collective brains in the last seven days. Even Paige DeSorbo, who is very, very drunk, is bound to remember. She promises not to tell Kyle. But we all know he’s bound to flip his lid come reunion time. And rightfully so.
But let’s try to move on. Because I can’t think about it anymore. The roommates move out of the hot tub and into the house for the night. And there are couples everywhere. While Danielle Olivera and Robert Sieber fight for the last stale peach ring, a drunk Lindsay Hubbard finally gives in and makes up with Stephen Traversie. As in, they’re officially back together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And immediately Stravy wants to get engaged and have babies. But first, Lindsay allows him to unpack his bags and move back into the house. Small victories for Stravy, I guess.
Last week’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht ended on a very naked cliffhanger. Surely you remember. With Gary King, Alli Dore and Sydney Zaruba taking their weird love triangle to an uncomfortable level with a 2 a.m. skinny dip? Well, I think it’s well past time that Bravo learns to tone down the incessant use of “To Be Continued” because it really couldn’t have been less necessary.
What happens after the trio jump into the Mediterranean? Why, they’re wet and cold and force Gary to run naked down the dock to get towels, of course. How else could this scenario have ended? Certainly not with the fake out of Captain Glenn Shephard being woken by the noise. Because Glenn rolls over and goes right back to sleep. And while Gary finally calls it a night, the girls stay up even longer for an emotional (and drunken) heart-to-heart on the bow.
There’s been a shift in the Summer House. After nine episodes largely centered on the drama between Hannah Berner, Luke Gulbranson and Ciara Miller, everything came to an explosive head in last week’s fight between the guys and the immediate fallout. After crying it out over family dinner, the Good Vibe Tribe has closed the book on that drama. And it definitely feels like we’ve entered the back half of the season with a fresh start and a clean slate. No Instagram psychics allowed.
It’s also the perfect time to add some new personalities to the mix. After weeks in quarantine, we’re livening things up and breaking the “no outsiders” rule with the arrival of the boyfriends. Because if Stephen Traversie can come and go (and still not get a confessional), why not have a more open door policy? So let’s just bring in literally every single male love interest we can find from outside the house, shall we? Well, not every one…poor Paige DeSorbo. But we’ll get to that in a second.