If I have to listen to Hannah Berner brag for one more second about all the sex she had with Des Bishop in the Summer House, I’m going to vomit. But that’s right where this week’s episode begins. With Des bragging about going down on Hannah in Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula‘s bathroom. As if we could’ve scrubbed that particular detail from our collective brains in the last seven days. Even Paige DeSorbo, who is very, very drunk, is bound to remember. She promises not to tell Kyle. But we all know he’s bound to flip his lid come reunion time. And rightfully so.
But let’s try to move on. Because I can’t think about it anymore. The roommates move out of the hot tub and into the house for the night. And there are couples everywhere. While Danielle Olivera and Robert Sieber fight for the last stale peach ring, a drunk Lindsay Hubbard finally gives in and makes up with Stephen Traversie. As in, they’re officially back together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And immediately Stravy wants to get engaged and have babies. But first, Lindsay allows him to unpack his bags and move back into the house. Small victories for Stravy, I guess.
There’s been a shift in the Summer House. After nine episodes largely centered on the drama between Hannah Berner, Luke Gulbranson and Ciara Miller, everything came to an explosive head in last week’s fight between the guys and the immediate fallout. After crying it out over family dinner, the Good Vibe Tribe has closed the book on that drama. And it definitely feels like we’ve entered the back half of the season with a fresh start and a clean slate. No Instagram psychics allowed.
It’s also the perfect time to add some new personalities to the mix. After weeks in quarantine, we’re livening things up and breaking the “no outsiders” rule with the arrival of the boyfriends. Because if Stephen Traversie can come and go (and still not get a confessional), why not have a more open door policy? So let’s just bring in literally every single male love interest we can find from outside the house, shall we? Well, not every one…poor Paige DeSorbo. But we’ll get to that in a second.
Last week’s Summer House ended on a tense cliffhanger, to say the least. Luke Gulbranson was screaming from the lobby. Carl Radke was ready to throw down in his underwear. Kyle Cooke was being physically restrained by Lindsay Hubbard. Everyone was involved in the fight. Well except, Paige DeSorbo and Hannah Berner, who stood speechless at the top of the stairs watching the chaos play out. It was easily the most intense moment in the show’s history.
So how does it end? With a bang and a fizzle, essentially. After all that anticipation, it turns out the build-up was the climax. No punches were thrown. No fighting happened at all, really. Carl went back to bed, shaken up and fuming. And Luke turned on his heel and left the house, staying in a hotel after being escorted by producers to get an overnight bag from his room. It was all a giant unleashing of tension and emotion with thankfully no physical violence.
A few weeks ago, I was criticized for characterizing an argument between Hannah Berner, Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula as a “knockdown, drag out fight.” And sure, while a wine glass was thrown, maybe I was being a tad hyperbolic at the time. Or perhaps I was just a few episodes early. Because the end of this week’s Summer House certainly crescendoed into an all-out brawl between the house’s trio of alpha males. A pub crawl hasn’t ended this explosively in the history of Bravo since the Real Housewives of Orange County got kicked out of an Irish department store back in 2016. But let’s rewind and back up a bit.
It all started the night before, when the roommates separated along gender lines for their annual Guys’/Girls’ Night. And yes, I understand the ritual’s become something of a tradition in the Summer House over the last few seasons. But it’s one of the very rare times the show really doesn’t do it for me. It’s a totally subjective personal thing, but I’m just resistant to the whole idea of antiquated gender roles in general. And I hate seeing the guys devolve into drunken neanderthals in the name of toxic masculinity. Shouldn’t the boys be above chugging Guinness and sinking to the crudities of locker room talk by now? Trust me, a little spa night never hurt anyone. So somebody get Carl Radke a unicorn face mask, STAT! And put Kyle in a fluffy robe while you’re at it…
Psychics have a long and storied history on Bravo. They puff on e-cigs while fueling dinner parties from hell. They stir the pot in elephant rooms. And they’ve even been known to kickstart the uncovering of a cancer scam. Psychics do the Lord’s work on Bravo. And usually it’s pretty easy to go along with them. Especially when, like in the case of the fake cancer, they happen to be correct. But this particular episode of Summer House is requiring a suspension of disbelief heretofore not required in the Bravoverse.
I mean, what happened this week was a little different. The said psychic was completely off-camera, providing a storyline for the house free of charge. We don’t know their identity. Just that they apparently operate through Instagram. It’s not as simple or straightforward as, “He will never emotionally fulfill you, ever. Know that.” It was a lot to take in and I’m not sure how much I’m buying it. But I’m, as always, getting ahead of myself.
One thing we’ve learned about Lindsay Hubbard over the past five seasons of Summer House? She loves her birthday. More than anything, really. So Stephen Traversie leaving at the end of last week’s episode was pretty much the worst way her birthday could possibly end. And this weekpicks up immediately in the wake of Stravy’s unceremonious exit. Except…Lindsay doesn’t know he’s gone yet. So somehow, it falls on Kyle Cooke to tell her that he just helped her boyfriend pack up an Uber. That is, once she’s done complaining to Danielle Olivera about her terrible, no good, very bad birthday.
A crying Kyle feels terrible as he breaks the news, but Lindsay has quite the opposite reaction. In fact, her exact words are, “OK, well that’s his prerogative. Am I supposed to cry about it?” Stone cold unaffected. She forces most of the roommates into celebrating the closing moments of her birthday with a shot of Fireball and that’s that. That night, Hannah Berner sleeps with her so she isn’t alone, and the next morning we’re hilariously treated to a montage of Lindsay fielding phone calls from Stravy for the several days. They vacillate between groveling apologies, flower deliveries and mini-arguments. Did nothing else important happen in the house over the rest of the week?
Well this week’s episode of Summer House was certainly a roller coaster of emotions, wasn’t it? We witnessed the breakdown of a friendship. The breakdown of a romantic relationship. An underwhelming birthday disaster. Even a very real, heartrending tragedy. And it all happened in the span of a single day. Activated, if you will, on an annual Summer House national holiday — Lindsay Hubbard‘s birthday.
The episode opens, however, with the news of the unexpected and tragic passing of Carl Radke‘s older brother, Curtis. Over the years, Carl and his brother had had a complicated relationship due to the latter’s struggles with addiction. Most recently, Carl had opened up on the show about wanting to rebuild a new foundation with his brother, who was five years older than him. And now that chance isn’t possible. It’s not an exaggeration to tell you I was in tears through half of this episode.
Real Housewives of Potomac viewers still don’t know for sure what was real and what was fake in Gizelle Bryant’s revived relationship with her
cheating ex-husband Jamal Bryant.
However, that hasn’t stopped her from criticizing the way Real Housewives from other shows pick and choose what they show from their own relationships. Pot, meet kettle.