This season on Vanderpump Rules, Lala Kenttook the girls to Solvang for wine tours (on a private jet, of course). The only surprising part of the trip is that Lala is the one who planned the trip, yet she was sober the entire time. Why plan a wine tasting if you are not going to sip the wine? Maybe do a different activity instead?
At the time, she claimed that she and Randall Emmett made a pact to stay sober after she got wasted and broke a hurricane-proof window. Recently, she confessed that the severity of the situation goes far beyond one drunken night.
However, one cast member is single, and that is Scheana Marie. Her dating life on the show has been pretty quiet so far. All we’ve seen is her sexually harassing hanging out with Adam Spott. I wonder if Adam can hang a TV in seven minutes? Recently, Scheana’s love life has been in a status of, “It’s complicated.”
I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!
Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.
James Kennedy is a man of two strides forward (like a mini pony, not horse); two strides back into the time-out pen because he can’t play with the other horses without nipping their flanks and kicking up manure.
TomTom is about to open and Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz decide to celebrate by taking a pre-professional people vacation. And what a long strange trip it will turn out to be! As Lisa Vanderpump said, “Sometimes trial has error.”
Tonight is the episode of Vanderpump Rules I have personally been waiting for ever since Stassi Schroeder started dating Patrick and Katie Maloney found Stassi’s rusty bitch crown in the dumpster behind SUR and tried to make fetch happen.
Katie is a poor imitation of Stassi in her prime, namely because Katie is mercilessly mean without provocation or wit, but tonight – TONIGHT! – our brave little warrior Tom Sandoval goes against the evil that is facing him and tells Katie exactly like it is!
Well, this power couple is about to get tested. Tom 2’sroommate wife, Katie Maloney, recently got James Kennedy fired from SUR because he fat-shamed her. This did not sit well with some of the cast, namely Billie Lee. She has been very vocal about the matter. In next week’s episode, Tom 1 steps up to defend James and calls Katie a bully for her actions. Tom 2 is not going to be happy!
Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).
The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.
So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.
And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.