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I just hit play on the first episode of the last season of the first Teen Mom.  Did you get all of that?  It’s bittersweet.  While I hardly think being on this show is healthy for Maci Bookout, Farrah Abraham, Amber Portwood, or Catelynn Lowell, I’m going to miss the show.

I’m holding onto the knowledge that Barbara, Jenelle Evan’s always amusing mom, will be back on my TV soon enough on Teen Mom 2.  As long as I have Barbara in my life, I think I’ll be able to cope without Teen Mom.  If Teen Mom 2 ever is canceled, I’m going to need therapy to learn how to go on with my life. Take a deep breath, grab the tissues, and let’s start the beginning of the end.

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Maci Prepares Bentley for Daycare

To prepare Bentley (and mommy) for daycare, Maci Bookout enrolls Bentley in swimming lessons.  It ends well and Maci walks away seemingly hopeful about daycare.  But she continues to dwell on it and insists to everyone who will listen that it’s going to be bad.  Speaking of bad, Maci tells Bentley that the reason she is sending him to daycare is that he’s bad.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Maci and Kyle King talk endlessly about whether or not Bentley will go to daycare.  When Maci tells Kyle that she doesn’t think she’ll be able to drop him off, Bentley tells her, “You’ll be alright, Mama!”  Adorable.  When Kyle finally takes Bentley to daycare, he handles it like a champ.

Maci calls Ryan Edwards to ask him to take Bentley earlier than normal the next day because she’s going out of town.  He says no, he’s busy.  True, he’s probably busy yawning. Maci is annoyed with Ryan and it leads to a Maci and Kyle fight.  Maci kicks Kyle out of the house.

Maci has Bentley call Kyle and beg him to come back.  He comes back and they make up.

Catelynn and Tyler Celebrate Carly’s Second Birthday

Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra meet with Dawn, their adoption counselor, so they can send Carly gifts for her second birthday.  The couple finds out that Brandon and Theresa are hoping Catelynn and Tyler will join them in NYC in a few weeks for their second year visit.  Of course, they say yes!

Catelynn and Tyler call Carly to wish her a happy birthday.  Catelynn wears hooker-red lipstick for the occasion.

Catelynn and Tyler go to NYC.  No cameras allowed, apparently, but we get to see a bunch of cute pictures of the reunion.

At the end of the day, the two reflect back on the past two years.  Would they do it the same way again?  They both agree on yes, as the tears flow freely.

Farrah Prepares to Move to Florida

Spoiled brat Farrah Abraham wants us to know how hard her life is.  She’s moving to an apartment on the beach in Florida, but it’s SO hard. Farrah’s original plan was to leave Sophia with her parents while she gets settled in Florida, but Farrah is having doubts.  Farrah talks to her counselor about it.  Her therapist tells her to expect them to be sad and to let them have room with their feelings.  There’s no room in Farrah’s world for anyone else’s feelings, so this should be fun.

Farrah finally tells her mom and Michael that she’s bringing Sophia with her.  They’re upset.  Farrah gets defensive.

Farrah leaves Sophia with Debra so she can pack.  Debra passively aggressively tells Sophia, You’re going to go bye-bye on the airplane.  I won’t see you anymore.”  Sophia responds with, “WHAT!?!”  Debra asks, “Are you going to miss me?”  Sophia says no.

Farrah gets bitchy again.  She tells her parents she’s a big kid now.  She can handle her own life and her own child.  She says all of this right after she dictated to Michael all the things she needs from him to help her move to Florida.  One truck for her eyeliner and one truck for the rest of her belongings.

Poor Sophia.  Farrah has no friends, so Sophia has to listen to Farrah’s very adult monologues for the sake of MTV’s cameras.  Can’t she rent a cousin like the one Amber does?

Farrah ends her time at Derek’s grave on his 21st birthday.  It’s very sad.

Amber Gets Angry and Enters Rehab

Amber Portwood tells her sad tale, including the part where she loses custody of Leah because people spray painted “bad mom” and “slut” all over her house and car.  Yes, I’m sure that’s the only reason.  It couldn’t possibly be related to the bottles of pills in her purse or the fact that she likes to punch people.

Amber’s cousin Crystal stops by for her obligatory “Amber needs someone to talk to so MTV can film it” gab session. Amber tries to explain the conditions of her plea bargain to Crystal.  Amber is going to rehab for anger control/substance abuse/mental health.  Crystal asks, “What substance abuse?”  Amber answers, “Slash mental health.”  Amber is going to rehab in Malibu likes she’s a Lohan or something.

Amber calls the rehab to ask them if she can bring her own drugs and if she can have her own room so she’s not forced to spontaneously punch people. Out of nowhere, Ambers starts yelling and pounding her hand about what’s happening to her is unfairly based on one report from two years ago.  “That’s my anger right now,” she warns Crystal.  She adds, she doesn’t know how sane she can stay anymore.

Amber goes to talk to Gary Shirley about rehab.  As soon as she walks in, she asks Gary for wine. She says she’s so stressed out, she needs a buzz.  Gary says he has too many important things on his mind to think about drinking, like raising their daughter.  Amber must have found the only spray tan booth in America with the setting “burnt Cheetos.” Gary tells her he’s glad she’s getting help.  Unable to control her temper, Amber starts yelling, swearing, and berating Gary.  She reflects on what a bad person she must be, and then she stumbles out the front door with the wine glass in her hand.

After a suicide attempt, Amber is taken to the hospital and held for 72 hours.  She goes right from there to her spa-like rehab.

Her counseling sessions should be private, in my humble opinion.  Fake or not on Amber’s part, MTV has no place there. Amber blames her messed up family for many of her problems.  She breaks down and talks about how much she misses Leah.  Knowing what we know about where she is now, by choice, it’s hard for me to take her seriously.  She was given chance after chance after chance to better her life for the sake of her child (if not herself) and she pissed away every single one.

This was the most depressing two hours of TV I have ever seen.  I’m glad I grabbed those tissues, because I needed them at the end.  I must hate myself, because I’m already counting down the hours until next week’s episode.

TELL US – What did you think of the premiere?  Are you happy or sad this is the last season for Maci, Amber, Farrah, and Catelynn?

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