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As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.

Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.

Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?

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Carole Radziwill is missing. Clearly she decided to hide in her room in the hopes that she would miss this outing. LuAnn de Lesseps, disseminate of rules and behavior on Housewives trips goes to retrieve her. ‘ Princess Carole,’ she coos, barging through the door. ‘Oh  you’re ready, let’s go. Look at my cape! Quel chic, but you know, I am very chic. At least that’s what my song says. Chic, C’est la Vie!’

Carole glowers, says she was asleep (in her clothes? Did she have a midnight rendezvous?) and wants to shower. No, LuAnn admonishes, we must leave at once. Carole yanks on a ballgown and trucks out. But not before seething because that bitch stole her look. See Carole apparently holds the patent on wearing capes since she wore one at the airport.

In the car on the way to croquet, LuAnn and Carole begin a treacly game of who is more, better, when, why. Except Carole isn’t playing the game. It’s only LuAnn, desperate to prove her self-worth and importance. Or maybe it’s just her rude conversation style. Bitch needs to re-read her own book!

It goes like this: Carole: ‘I masturbate!’ LuAnn: ‘I My friend ONLY masturbates which is why I’m not pregnant.‘ Carole: My mom had five kids in five years.’ LuAnn: ‘My mom had 18 kids in 3 years. And my mom’s a valium addict!’ Carole: ‘I give up. You win. You’re the bestest at everything ever, in the history of the world. Hand me that croquet mallet so I can kill you. Metaphorically, of course.’

Needless to say, croquet was delightful as Carole got out her competitive spirt and whopped some discountess ass. What’s better than croquet and champagne? Winning croquet – and shutting a lower-level royal UP!

In the middle of all of this Sonja is hardly planning Aviva Drescher‘s five year anniversary party. She’s too busy sucking face with her bidet, obsessing about toaster ovens, and tallying LuAnn‘s height-based one-upping.

Aviva takes her temporary bestie Pinot Singer to check out a potential location. I think Bravo pays Aviva extra to hang out with Pinot. Aviva likes the place except for the shoddy, in much need of a vacuum, carpet. I think it looked like a long-past its prime playboy club. Aviva still has faith in Sonja‘s ability. Aviva is too nice.

Ramona will be supplying pinot for the party, because otherwise she can’t attend. With every free case of pinot you get some of Pinot’s antics along with it. Charming.

Back in London, the girls go to dinner and the none-upmanship continues. This time over height, books, and babies. Only one of which Carole has, but all of which define the illuminating LuAnn.

It goes like this: Carole: ‘I like to talk, sometimes I talk randomly.’ LuAnn: ‘That’s so funny, you know I’m a countess and I wrote a book on conversation skills. And everything else – I am an expert on everything, you know.’ Heather (in a desperate bid for good conversation): ‘I like gymnastics’ LuAnn: ‘Oh, me too. I once did somersaults with a queen. Gymnastics are wonderful calisthenics. I also excel at basketball.’

Carole: ‘I played all the sports in the world. Gymnastics! Basketball! AND FOOTBALL! I won the Superbowl! I also am a six-times Olympian.’ LuAnn: <<sarcasm goes over her head>> ‘Oh, how nice.’

Carole: ‘She is exhausting and an idiot.’ The ladies are exasperated by LuAnn‘s quite mangled conversation skills in which she basically doesn’t converse, she just repeatedly changes every subject back around to be about herself. No wonder she’s shunned by the royals.

The ladies all blame LuAnn‘s height. Carole also blames the size of her pumpkin head. The one-upmanship continues.

Carole: ‘Writing a work of fiction is harder than birthing a baby.’ LuAnn: ‘Well, I’ve done both a book and had babies and I can assure you, you’re wrong. Babies are like the hardest ever.’ Heather: ‘This is awkward.’ Sonja: ‘Carole’s book was a best-seller.’ LuAnn: ‘My book was autobiographical. And I scarcely utilized my co-author.’ Carole: ‘Oh, yeah – I remember when you won an Emmy, LuAnn… Oh wait… that was me. And you know what – I’m a fucking princess. Don’ t you have to bow down to me?’

Heather Thomson tries to address the situation with LuAnn when the other girls scurry off to the ladies room. She starts out hypothetically explaining that maybe the conversation style isn’t supportive and it may be a little intense for the situation; that competition isn’t necessary. LuAnn agrees that Ramona is totally annoying and this trip is much better without her. I think our friend the countess is missing the point!

Poor LuAnn, she is just so desperate to have some relevance and well, an identity of some note. Instead she was married to Count Nobody who constantly cheated, didn’t value her, and wasn’t even rich. All she got out of the deal was a gig on HW and a useless title which she clings onto like a life raft. The worst part is – Carole knows it. And that stings, bad.

Back in the states, a husky voiced Sonja is preparing for Aviva‘s big anniversary party. It becomes immediately apparent that none of her ducks are in a row. She should have had LuAnn plan it – she’s an expert at everything!

Unbeknownst to Aviva, she goes to the salon with Carole. I loved the old-school hair dryers. Carole announces that what is said in the “beauty shop” stays in the beauty shop, so let the gossiping commence. I guess Carole forgot the cameras were capturing every moment.

Carole reveals that Reid asked her to help him with her toast. So sweet. It triggers memories for Carole of her husband’s death, which happened after five years of marriage. You can tell Carole still loves him and it’s really sad. It also seems like Aviva and Carole are forming a real friendship, which is nice, hopefully TV won’t ruin that.

Being that Anthony was a prince, talk naturally turns to the discountess’ over-reliance on her title. Apparently, Carole‘s ex-husband never spoke of his title and it irks Carole that LuAnn constantly brings it up. Carole admits her snippy behavior in London was immature and passive aggressive, but she couldn’t resist.

Carole is further annoyed that LuAnn assumes they are part of the same social circle, when Carole would never even associate with the likes of LuLu. And the one-upping over the book was too much. Aviva reminds Carole: You were on Oprah – and LuAnn, well she wasn’t! So there’s that. Buuurrrnn… and the princess wins again.

Aviva‘s party is in full-swing and so-far, so-good. Kinda. Heather is confused about where the glitz and glamor is but Aviva seems content. I loved the cake. While everything is peaceful, in walks Ramona wearing an out-dated mess of a dress.

Sonja explains that post London, she’s decided to put their differences behind them. Everyone pretends they missed Pinot on the trip – which is a lie because they already had their hands filled with LuAnn‘s arrogance – adding insanity to the mix would be the opposite of enjoyable.

After the fake pleasantries. Sonja steps up to introduce the singer, Cara Quici. I use the term singer loosely, it was more or less a wailing banshee. Cara announces that there was no sound check and then she practically mounts Aviva and Reid while wearing a bustier. What was going on there?! Quite honestly, I would much rather hear LuAnn sing! One of her many ‘talents’ is singing, you know.

And the song supposedly written for Aviva and Reid kept evoking them to “Do it now.” Do what? Do “it” on the floor of the party in front of all of their guests. I was very confused – clearly they were too. It was incredibly awkward. And I think Cara was wearing fur scrunchies on her wrists. Ew.

Unfortunately for Aviva, Cara‘s revolting performance was preempted by Aviva tripping while she came down the stairs from the stage. Aviva joked that it was her good leg, while we could all tell she was hurt and sad. Poor Aviva. Sonja rushes down the stairs to offer her a chair. I was sad to watch that.

Also, where was the effing food? All I saw was pinot, galore! The good kind of pinot – the edible kind – and the unsavory kind wearing an unflattering blue satin cocktail dress. Not a good mix.

So Aviva and Reid make their toasts, his was incredibly sweet. Then Aviva gives him a wedding ring. They seem very in love and it was a truly adorable moment.

Sadly, the party didn’t end on that note. No, no… instead Heather and Ramona got into a war of words and chase.

Heather decided she was having vodka with a pinot chaser and asked Ramona if things are OK. Ramona just spills it right out, telling Heather she lied to her. Heather bristles and wants to know how she lied. She tells Ramona to “Bring it!” And Ramona breaks a pinot bottle and starts swinging. Oh, that’s what I wanted to happen. Sorry.

Here’s the gist of it: Ramona tells Heather that even though Heather said she didn’t have a problem with Ramona, she told Aviva she was hurt and annoyed that Ramona said she talked to much. Ramona felt Heather lied because Heather did discuss her feelings with their friends. Does that make sense? Ah, well – you watch the show.  Apparently this makes holla-ing Heather fake and phony.

OK, recounting a story or discussing your experience with a friend is NOT the the same as shit talking behind someone’s back. Ramona has been involved with reality TV too long, where every single conversation is considered back-stabbing.

Ramona also felt she was in grounds to give Heather constructive criticism and when Heather discussed this with other people that made her fake. Ramona viciously tells Heather: “Don’t be fake! Don’t be phony!” then she storms off. Ramona is so unfathomably rude.

Heather decides it’s simply unacceptable to make such scathing remarks and bail, so she turns on heel to follow Ramona, who in turn flees again. Heather grabs a glass of wine and follows her again. Bribing Pinot with pinot was a good call.

Heather takes Ramona‘s Turtle Time and raises her a Pinot Chase as she follows her all around the restaurant to continue their conversation. Immature? A bit. Necessary to make Ramona see the nonsensical errors of her ways? Absolutely. I’m sure in the reunion this will be classified as “bullying” by Ramona.

They accost Sonja, who is delighted to be a firsthand witness to the drama. She summons the waiter for some popcorn and a cigar. Ramona tells Heather her smile is fake and she is not a nice person. “Who is Heather?” Ramona demands. Ramona is adamant that Heather talked about her behind her back and then lied about, which Heather dismisses as ridiculous. Ramona walks away again and Heather follows again.

Round and round they go like a pinot labyrinth. Ramona finally flees into the waiting arms of LuAnn. Which is the funniest, most ironic moment of the show. Ramona keeps insisting Heather is fake, phony, a liar, and not real. Heather mutters that Ramona is a “beast”. Then Heather finds Mario to tell him things didn’t go well. Mario seems to find it hilarious.

Heather shows Ramona what talking behind her back is as she unloads the story of being stung by the Singer Stinger to all the other girls.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]

IS LUANN A ONE-UPPER? TEAM HEATHER OR TEAM RAMONA? THOUGHTS ON THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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