I generally like to keep my problems away from water, but I guess that’s not the case with the Real Housewives of New Jersey who took their fighting to a Rock of Love level when things got dramatic in and around the hot tub of horrors. Sadly Bret Michaels did not arrive to bust into a hair metal anthem. #why? Luckily there were sequins. As one of our twitter followers pointed out, you can cut a bitch with a sequined bikini. Where do they buy these things?
So there they all were in some insanely hideous bikinis, hair and make-up done up to the nines, guzzling wine by the gallon, and shrieking at each other like mongooses so that it echoed through the vineyards of Napa and awoke a dreaming Vivendi Wine owner in his sleep. ‘Oh, no… ‘ he thought… ‘The meerkats have gotten into the grapes again.’ Nope, just some delusional women embarrassing themselves on national TV! Grapes are fine, viewers of RHONJ not so much! Pack your alibis and let’s go!
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Caroline Manzo called Teresa Giudice a “disgrace.” Teresa has never heard that word before but she’s just certain it can’t be good. If the Virgin Mary is full of grace, putting the word diss in front of it makes it, like, bad, right? She looks to Melissa Gorga for answers… Melissa just looks away. She’s not going to try and do a Hooked on Phonics lesson with a hooked on vino out-of-control Jersey girl who is ready to let the sequins fly. After all, she is wearing white.
And now, a poetic recap to the word “Disgrace.”
D – DRUNKEN JOE GIUDICE. Juicy admits things to the camera that Teresa would like to keep a secret. For instance, she is sitting there in her sopping wet, winey, sequined stupor insisting she doesn’t get paid for magazines and she’d never lie in them. Juicy, 12 sheets to the wind and floating above the clouds, admits hell yeah they get paid, and hell yeah they make stuff up for the moolah.
“A Baby Boy For Teresa?” Juicy is not sticking his juicy popsicle anywhere near his c-u-next-tuesday wife or her chuccole. And hell, who wouldn’t tell a teensy, white lie for a paycheck? Jacqueline Laurita apparently, that’s who. Holier than thou and saner than a post Chris Laurita insists she turned down $50,000 to do an article about Teresa. Considering they need the money to fend off their own bankruptcy, that just seems like baaad business.
I – INSTIGATOR. Is Kathy Wakile an instigator or just a concerned friend and cousin? She claims she wasn’t really that hurt by being left out of the toast and she just wanted to point out to her cousin Teresa, a woman she loves and adores, that she is letting pride destroy her friendships. Fair point! Unfortunately their hot tub tête-à-tête took place a mere two feet away from where the subject of conversation Caroline was sitting. Oopsie! While I didn’t think they were saying anything bad, it apparently made Caroline hot enough to keep the hot tub in business.
And Caroline was ready to blow. If Caroline exploded I’m pretty sure a volcanic eruption of red hair dye, Brownstone sauce covered meatballs, and the hearts of her
boy children would come spewing out. Her anger at Teresa is palpable, out-of-control, and frankly scary. “You Suck!” she screams at Teresa. For someone who says she doesn’t care she sure has a lot to say. Including making some pretty bold-face and inflammatory comments about Teresa’s family when Caroline claims she wanted them to reconcile. I mean, I’m positive that Teresa said horrible things about her brother, and I’m positive she told them not to be friends with Melissa and Kathy, but Caroline needs to stay out of it. Remember… people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!
S – SLEEP. Jacqueline chooses to avoid the drama completely because she is trying to make peace with Teresa and well, she is wisely afraid, so she lays down on Melissa’s cozy lap and takes a “nap.” Which she periodically wakes up from to offer a tidbit of advice or redirection. At least all the close-ups of her eye makeup were pretty.
Also feigning sleep was Albert Manzo, who assures us if need-be he can wipe the floor with Juicy’s ass. If he can get up fast enough to recognize what’s going on. Or care enough. I think he was still exhausted from his rigorous KFC argument the other day.
G – GOOGLING AND GRABBING. In a fit of fury about how she is the dictionary definition of honesty, Teresa grabs Kathy’s face as she is Googling an In Touch cover which supposedly includes some negative comments about everyone. And just who made these so-called comments? Why Teresa! Who doesn’t get paid and isn’t responsible for the tabloid-gate.
Kathy remains calm and dignified as she asks Teresa to back off. Richie lets Poison Gorga wrap him in a straight jacket and pour scotch down his throat to contain himself from racing across the room to defend his wife from an out-of-control, sequined bikini clad, Trezilla.
Shockingly, Kathy is able to keep herself in check through Teresa’s multiple demonstrations that she was just chucking Kathy lightly on the chin to get her attention. Like this, just like this, and like this, you know just like this, it was just this – she wasn’t hitting her. WE GET IT ALREADY. You don’t lie to tabloids and you didn’t hit Kathy!
R – RED-HEADED FURY. Aaahhh… Caroline, well she really let her guard down didn’t she? Things were boiling over faster than a quickie sauce left on low-medium not simmer. Caroline obviously has a lot of tension towards Teresa, who is an “ugly human being” and a “liar” among other things. Teresa retaliates by saying Caroline is a “crazy bitch,” which Caroline throws right back at her. Personally, they’re BOTH crazy! Or at least that’s the part they play on TV.
Sadly, Caroline couldn’t keep it mature and get her point across. Oh, no – she took it to to Teresa levels of crazy and got cruel, vitriolic, and petty. Melissa, who arose as last night’s only likable person, opined that “Caroline should drop it and move on.” Well said, Meliss!
Unfortunately, Caroline just kept engaging Teresa and was ready to fling a pot of boiling hot pasta in her face (or hold her head under water). Didn’t anyone ever teach her you can’t reason with crazy? I was afraid, I was also embarrassed, and I also wondered what the hell Teresa did that was just so horrific? Afterwards, Caroline took to her room to sob. Was that a cat coughing up a hairball?! Nope, just Caroline crying!
A – ALBIE, CHRISTOPHER, & LAUREN VS. THE JUICYS. After what seemed like hours of tit for tat, Juicy finally bellowed “Enough Caroline!” Chrissofart, self-proclaimed proud mama’s boy and inventor of the “ham game,” jumped up and started cussing up a storm, threatening Le Juicy, to defend his mama.
Caroline, from her perch on the sofa, summoned Albie to keep him in check before he did something he regrets. Juicy and Poison could take out Chris, Albie, and Albert with one punch. Albert barely raised his head. Maybe it was a mark of his exhaustion and annoyance – I don’t know, but he did mention that Teresa’s comments about the Manzo’s fried meatballs making people fat could hurt their business.
Or perhaps their own large girth is just an unhelpful demonstration of the truth.
Meanwhile, Lauren jumps in to scream about Teresa. Personally, I think it’s a sad day when the Manzos are behaving more ridiculously than the Juicys!
C – COOKBOOK-GATE. Caroline is still furious over the so-called cookbook maybe insults, maybe jokes. Apparently Teresa did not offer a sincere apology and she followed it up by talking about her in the tabloids. Teresa insists she called Caroline twice to offer an apology, but Teresa forgets she’s put on false eyelashes and layers a second pair on top, so who knows. And we all know she isn’t always truthful.
Teresa tells us for the 600th time that she put Caroline’s photo in the book, which Juicy claims Teresa thought would help Caroline’s business. Albert rebuts that Teresa is jealous over Caroline winning the “meatball contest” on Rachel Ray. Yes, adult people are STILL arguing about meatballs MONTHS after the fact. Maybe because their brain is entirely composed of meatballs?
Really, a meatball, fried, baked, whatever – is a matter of taste. And I’m sure Teresa was pissed, because well she gets pissed about everything. ‘Your tan is darker than mine! Now I must hate you!’ The 1/16 Italian comment is rehashed again. Caroline clarifies that she is just as Italian as Teresa and her heritage is just as pure, except Teresa has that “just off the boat” mentality that she has to be better than everyone and snub her nose at people.
E – END OF AN ERA. In the end Chris L tells Juicy to end things so he books an earlier flight and tells Teresa to go. She’s ecstatic. Really, she was. Caroline is still fuming in the corner, Lauren sidles over to call Teresa a bitch and The Giudices go pack. It’s decided that Caroline and Teresa will never mend things, because they both “suck!”
Melissa and Poison decide to show support for their newly (and temporarily) rebuilt family and leave with the Giudices.
Luckily Bravo can pay for all these changed plane tickets!
Kathy comes in to help Teresa pack and clarify that she wasn’t trying to attack her. Teresa seems, maybe, perhaps to get it and she also admits that it’s probably not going get better with Caroline. Teresa is happy her family is supporting her. “You never go against family,” she tells us. Until you accuse them of being a stripper on national TV!
My favorite parts of last night’s episode? Lauren Manzo sporting a shirt that read “World Peace Love.” Irony at it’s finest. I also loved when all the men kissed each other in a sweet and tender pseudo-homoerotic moment. I love a little man-on-man friend love.
Did I leave anything out? There was so much back and forth to cover that I apologize if I did. I tried to summarize as best I could. And I have to say, WWHL was interesting. Both ladies held their own and did well. I think they both need to leave the show and move on. The reunion should be very, very frightening.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO DO YOU THINK WAS IN THE RIGHT LAST NIGHT: CAROLINE OR TERESA? WAS KATHY INSTIGATING?