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RHONJ Recap

RHONJ-Danielle-Staub

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, we were reminded of why Danielle Staub is basically the worst – and that she’s truly in her element while on stage with men gyrating all over her. Since that’s exactly what the ladies served up for her bachelorette party, we got to see the many faces of Danielle go from full on rage to frightening glee all within a 30 minute timeframe. Even though Margaret Josephs was the ambassador of Danielle’s dreams, all she had to show for it at the end of the episode was a huge party planning bill and a chewing out.

Margaret was also put in charge of buying penis straws and dildos for Danielle’s big night. So we find her in the store looking for the “classy” items Danielle would approve of. Ahh…’twill be a night to remember! They shall celebrate Danielle’s last night of freedom in style before her marriage to Marty Caffrey, which will last approximately 4 seconds before restraining orders and divorce papers are filed. But who’s counting?

RHONJ-Teresa-Giudice

Oklahoma can finally breathe a much-deserved sigh of relief because the Real Housewives of New Jersey have finally retreated back to the Garden State. The festering animosity between sisters-in-law Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice is boiling barely beneath the surface. Newbie Jackie Goldschneider is seemingly choosing sides. Margaret Josephs is glad to give her friend and OK hostess a break after invading her home with rude, spray-tanned banshees. Of course, she cannot wait to tour Jennifer Aydin’s gauche Paramus Palace of Potties. SIXTEEN BATHROOMS (screamed in my best Dana “TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND!” voice)…

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Bathrooms And Bull

If the Real Housewives of New Jersey haven’t been banned from the fly-over states, it’s a corn shucking miracle! Poor Oklahoma is still dealing with the weaves and wackiness from last week’s episode as the ladies head off to a tense dinner. Margaret Josephs is happy to hear that Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga seemed to have smoothed over their argument…although Tre is unaware of how riled up Joe Gorga is after hearing Melissa’s rehash of the nasty breakfast. At the restaurant, Jennifer Aydin is talking about her ginormous house. She has to have an extra “wife” to cook and clean her seven bedroom house. She even has cameras in every room and she does random bag checks before the nanny heads out for the evening. Jackie Goldschneider finds it frighteningly hilarious that Jennifer trusts the nanny with her children but not with her collection of Chanel.

To change the subject, Margaret enlists the ladies in a game of two truths and a lie. Her statements: she used to fool around with her high school gym teacher, she’s only done cocaine once, and her ex-husband used to lock her in a closet when she made him angry. The women are surprised to hear her lie was the gym teacher. They can’t imagine feisty Margaret putting up with that in her marriage. No one believes Dolores Catania when she states she had sex with her ex-husband/roommate Frank Catania last week. Jennifer goes for shock value with tales of playing the submissive to her bestie’s dominatrix, getting a butt lift, and pooping herself in traffic. She was lying about the butt lift. Jennifer was wild before she met her ultra-conservative husband.

 

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap:Today I am thankful for witnessing the most awkward, fish-out-of-water weekend getaway in the history of Bravo. I was hoping for a Real Housewives of New Jersey crossover with Sweet Home. All I got was the preemptive simmer of a Teresa Giudice/Melissa Gorga meltdown. However, I am so grateful for last night’s RHONJ episode, and all the wind that wound their weaves. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

The ladies are prepping for their southern safari with the requisite amount of leopard print and rhinestones. Margaret Josephs is thrilled to work on her Hospital Heroes children’s hospital gown line with her longtime friend Polly. Teresa calls her brother Joe Gorga asks him to spend time with the amazing Giacinto Gorga, aka Nonno, while she and Melissa are out of town. Joe is frustrated with his sister’s directives. He’s far too busy with work. He urges a reluctant Melissa to go stand up to Tre in his absence. She doesn’t want to get in between the siblings. She’s been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and has the stripper rumors to boot!

Teresa Vs. Jacqueline

As someone who has written about the exploits and shenanigans of Real Housewives for many moons, Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the only show which leaves me emotionally exhausted.

On one level, it’s a nod to their ability to remain raw in front of the cameras, years after years of doom and gloom fighting. However, on the other side, their lack of self-awareness means season after season after season someone – Teresa Giudice, usually – is gonna be accused of a maelstrom of denial that the other ladies have no idea they are also wallowing in. So sometimes you need 5 Xanax – maybe 10! – to get through it.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion

Last night Real Housewives Of New Jersey got in the wayback machine to travel back in time to give new spins on the same old past. They covered all the classics: Kim D, Posche Fashion Shows (1, 2, & 3), Danielle Staub, Strippergate, Ashlee Holmes, Teresa Giudice‘s fraud case, The Manzo family feud, The Gorgadice family feud, and whose hubby is cheating on whom.

I think Siggy Flicker cried once or twice. Just for some variety.

I don’t know if someone put fire ants in Tereas’s Spanx, or what, but she was on a tear last night. She was right back in the season four reunion, anger brimming over and making a big mess. She certainly let her zen slip, didn’t she?

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Teresa

In honor of Halloween, last night’s finale of Real Housewives Of New Jersey was like a twisted fairy tale of modern evil, the moral being that sometimes the wrong witch gets pushed into an oven, while the other escapes on foot through the forest hoping the evil doesn’t catch up with her.

Siggy Flicker tried to reunify the group, but lunch didn’t even get served before the ladies were fleeing the coop in various states of undress. Only on Bravo do ‘ladies who lunch’ turn into ladies of the night who run Louboutin-less through a parking lot, stalking like zombies after the brainless one who got away. And over the railroad tracks to Jacqueline Laurita‘s asylum they go!

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Dolores hosts a Housewarming Party

Last night was the pre-finale for Real Housewives Of New Jersey. Since Jacqueline Laurita had laryngitis, she let Milinia do all the talking for her. Finally because at least Milania’s outbursts make a lot more sense! A silent Jacq is still deadly though… thank be the powers of the smart phone put into dumb hands.

Oh that Milania, I don’t care – I love her. Teresa Giudice acknowledges that Milania is not adjusting well to Juicy being “away.” And why should she? On Juicy’s first day in the slammer, Joe, Melissa Gorga, and the kids come over with sprinkle cookies Chinese food to check in on Teresa and the girls. They find Milania mouthing off all kinds of projecting, and Teresa is in a tailspin.

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