Last night on Real Housewives of New York somebody got diarrhea! Isn't that a fantastically mature and classy storyline for a show supposedly about the upper-echelon of New York society. The thing about Housewives that happens is they burst onto the scene and present all these admonitions about how people should behave and why – meanwhile never quite behaving that way themselves. It's a curious phenomenon, one explored over and over again without pause. 

Pinot Singer can't stop with her pinographies on how she's as lucid as the wine is white and the trash is not. And Meviva Drescher can't stop with her mespousing about how everyone is wrong and she is the definition of the right of the right. Unbutton your top button Meviva, have a glass of wine (a Xanax might put you over the edge) and accept that crazy can't even be managed by Nurse Ratchet and she had far sturdier shoes than you. Although, I'll hand it to Meviva – she put that education to good use and her lawyer-y skills were out and abundant over the tea that scalds and burns. 

And in other news Aviva's father George returned. And yeah, please go back from whence you came. 


The Modelizer: 

A vitamin is supposed to cure things and trail mix is supposed to make one healthy. Clearly, Aviva and George are procuring these products in the wrong place since they are doing neither for the both of them. If I spent $500 on some peanuts and horny goat weed I'd expect a miracle to occur. Instead the miracle was that the shop keeper didn't throw them both out for eating the samples and talking about the samples of booty George has been trying in the great state of Florida.

Please Andy Cohen – stop trying to make the geriatric parents happen. We lucked out with Mama Elsa but the rest of that lot needs to stay in Palm Beach and shuffleboard untethered by a reality TV camera. 

In a store the size of a taxicab, Aviva and her dad are standing there having this forced conversation in front of the dried apricots under the harsh florescent lights. George has this new pretend girlfriend, some twenty-year-old model who looks like Aviva but is black. 

Aviva is perturbed. I'm wondering if she's perturbed because her dad is dating her lookalike OR because clearly George is living in a delusional fantasy land where he is a modelizer whom women desire. He also tells Aviva that he wants to to take Carole Radziwill on a date. But… Carole doesn't look anything like Aviva?

American History Museum: 


In an UES townhouse once the height of fashion and the home to American royalty (hey – her words, not mine!) Sonja Morgan skulks up the stairs, brassier out to demonstrate the assets that procured the royal, and she's in a royal funk. Poor Sonja – this scene was truly sad. It paints the portrait of a reversal of fortunes. The Eliza Doolittle who became the Fair Lady and when the novelty was over was cast back into the streets with a basket of flowers and a cockney accent. Not every countess can stay a countess – just ask LuAnn de Lesseps

Sonja has returned from meeting her ex-husband in court to reach a settlement – some sort of pre-conception settlement. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Is this usurping the "push present" as the new thing rich people do? Just for the record: I got neither; I felt the baby was enough. I think it helps that I'm not rich.

After all her preparations and worries and envisioning that her ex loves her still and they will get back together and race off into the sunset together, he wouldn't even be in the same room with her. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED BETWEEN THOSE TWO?! (caps necessary to convey extreme confusion and concern). 

What struck me about this scene was that Sonja has a dust ruffle. This is significant both literally and figuratively – a dust ruffle is so one can sweep the mess under the bed and ignore it until the silverfish creep out. She is no longer Mrs. Morgan – and so it goes. Unfortunately without her ex's money she can no longer keep her home. Which might be good thing – or not.

Pinot calls to get the details and Sonja has decided there is only one course of action – she's going to "sue his ass." Maybe she can sell her dust ruffle. 

Later, Sonja shuffles into the dining room, where she stares wistfully at a blur on the wall. Apparently behind the blur lies a legend – the American royalty himself. Mr. JP Morgan – one of many – painted by THE QUEEN (of England)'s painter. Sonja has been divorced for close to a hundred years (she is in her fifties according to Meviva) yet in a truly Ms. Havisham moment not a thing has moved, disturbed, or changed since Mr. Morgan fled the scene. One particular ominous remnant is a portrait of Mr. Morgan glowering down on dinner guests. 

Sonja has decided since Mr. Morgan has moved on in real life, he should move on in his portraiture life as well. She's contacted both the Countess – who has experience with these sorts of things – and professional portrait people to remove and store this precious heirloom for her daughter. Baby steps, baby steps. 

They discuss the realities of her situation – the house in France must go. The house in NY must stay. And sometimes a toaster oven delicacy and booty-ful dessert simply isn't enough to keep a man. Sometimes a dust ruffle, a crumb tray, and puppy pad just can't contain the mess. 

I have to say it's nice to see the Countess-No-More drop the affect and be a real person. She was supportive and sympathetic to Sonja and their friendship seems as authentic as Sonja's turmoil over letting go of the past. In a last minute realization she recognizes that the companion painting bearing her likeness should be stored as well. Au revoir Mrs. Morgan. 

In a housewives rite of passage, a fashion show will go on. Heather Thomson is throwing a Yummie Tummie show to raise money for a transplant charity. A wonderful cause and I'm hopeful the drama will be less plentiful than Posche's. I hope the producers will leave their grubby hands out of the mix since it's for charity and all – it's not likely, but a girl can hope!

LuAnn, who clearly has taken on the role of "The Help" this episode, is there to help throw this thing together. And Meviva is there because Heather has a little surprise – she wants Meviva to model in the show. Since Meviva is all about Meviva this is a compliment that goes right to her ego and she is delighted to be a part of this. No, actually I think Aviva was a good choice given her own amputation and her work with children needing limbs. 

Spilled Tea Will Soil: 

From goodwill to bad form, MeViva and Pinot are meeting for tea and gnashing. Apparently Ramona has crossed a line and Aviva intends to put her squarely back on the otherside of things. Apparently Ramona has been trigger happy with the ol' iPhone and dialed Harry Dubin for a little gossip on the inner workings of the current Mrs. Dreshcer. And since Harry Dubin loves a 'situation' it would seem, he let Aviva in on his little conversation with Mrs. Singer. 

In order to face her demons, Aviva has strapped on her best schoolmarm at the asylum ensemble – a very, very buttoned up but fabulous coat and chignon wrapped so tight I'm quite concerned for the long-term health of her head. Ramona stumbles in slurring and obscured by fur, her wine-eyes hidden by sunglasses. She is wearing red – and Aviva is seeing it. 

 If anything happens to Aviva I call dibs on the coat she's wearing. She can keep the bun. 

Aviva is sipping some chamomile tea and Ramona sniffs that it reminds her of her grandmother. She'll have a warm pinot. Aviva wonders why Ramona can't take her glasses off, because her eyeballs might fall out of course. When things get crazy, eyes will roll. Ramona wants to know why Aviva is a buzzkill and a viper. I want to know how many times Aviva blinked her eyes in a 15 minute scene. 

Ironically they both start out by stating they don't want to yell. And then immediately they start to yell. This was a dangerous war of words – it was dirty, crisp, and good. Aviva does not back down – and even if Aviva's perspective may be skewed her points are dagger sharp and her assertions direct. Ramona is initially confused. No one stands their ground at rational when dealing with her. Well, tea vs. tea here they go! 

Ramona is clearly flustered as she sloshes a gallon of milk into an ounce of pinotea. Aviva is crisp as a green apple as she sears Ramona with a glare and a pursed lip. It was a good fight as far as Housewives go. Aviva makes some accusations that I must record for the books. It goes as followed: 

  • You allowed Sonja to drive drunk. 
  • Friends Don't Let Friends Drive D-R-U-N-K which is a M-E-T-A-P-H-O-R for 'You suck!' 
  • You need rehab.
  • You are 56. And I must remind you of this 56 times because 56-year-olds don't binge drink.
  • You must not be as happy as you purport to be since you drink so much.
  • And why didn't Mario want to be on this trip? (That one really caused Pinot to double back and stumble)
  • You enable Sonja. You like looking less drunk and messy in front of her. 
  • You were dancing on tables!
  • You were canoodling naked with Sonja in bed. EEEERRRRKKKKK! Wait – hold on just a hot minute. WHAT?! Yeah, that was said. It's out there now. Well this is new! 

Don't you worry, Ramona didn't take this lying down. That is reserved for Sonja.

Ramona called Aviva a "viper" and pointed out that she is obsessed with her husband. She wants to know why Aviva is afraid to leave home without him. She calls her crazy. She says she ruined the trip – which causes one lone hair to spring loose from the bun that ate Aviva's head. She shoots her eyes so deadly and poisonous I was quite certain I would be claiming custody of the coat. 

She accuses Aviva of using her prosthetic for attention and sympathy – and even worse suggests a lot of people would willingly lose a limb for Aviva's money and privileged life. Yikes. 

Ramona makes a comment that Aviva has things up her butt and apparently likes them there! Oh my! That's quite the riposte from our wild-eyed Pinot! 

Speaking of butts, Ramona's greatest line – the line that may be the greatest in RHONY history is this: "Having you around drives me to have diarrhea!" I had to pause the TV and laugh for a full five minutes. It was probably true, although I hope not at the table at the fancy tea room; lest Ramona was prepared with some Depends. 

Pinot wants to know what Aviva's problem is, so Aviva narrows her eyes, looks straight at Pinot and says "You. Are. My. Problem." And Pinot stands up, throws a $1 on the table, chugs a last gulp of milk with a splash of pinotea and waltzes out. I guess that friendship is as done as dust. 

I just have one question: What's a metaphor for drunk and crazy and incidentally slutty? Is it metawhore?

Daddy Dearest: 

Oh that was just the tip of the drama, the pinnacle – if you will – comes on the top floor of a high rise where a nightmare on the 97th floor is occurring. It was just another fashion show – YES! Another one! – and what a surprise, things went horribly wrong. I tend to think if the clothes are bad the drama will be worse – it's a direct correlation. 

So, I must ask: Posche vs. Pinot. Whose wares were worse for the wear?

All the ladies are invited for this is also a charity that supports domestic abuse. Of which Ramona was a victim of growing up. That is very sad. 

Ramona is holding court in a dress that looks like a costume from Dancing With The Stars. I really just can't even begin to go into details about it, so I'll focus on her ramblings. According to Pinot, verbal abuse is not just for romantic relationships; girlfriends can verbally abuse you as well. Case in point: one very abuse laden-tea with Meviva in which Ramona was terrorized, dragged through the mud, burned at the stake, and from which her self-esteem will never recover.

I fear this will become this season's systematic bullying: Verbal Abuse From Friends. Is this a thing now? It must be something only rich people do. I'm about 96 floors too low. Where's Bethenny Frankel with a jazzy one-liner when we need her?

The other ladies appear and LuAnn has the decency to share my opinion of Ramona's dress. "That's quite a dress," she muses smirking under her breath. Quite a dress doesn't begin to cover it. Carole and Heather glide into the party and finally Sonja brings up the read. Appropriate, no?

Before she is even fully in the door and done a drink, Ramona accosts Carole to get her side of the argument with Aviva heard. Ramona tells her that Aviva has given her the poops – and it's either poops or pukes because it's got to come out one end or the other. Seriously. I beg to differ though. In Ramona's case it is fully capable of coming out both ends at once – she lives in a world of verbal diarrhea afterall. Carole looks like she wants to puke as she looks around desperately for salvation and escape. Where's her worm hole when she needs it! 

Aviva is a no-show, and representing the Drescher Morality Patrol is George. At a women's charity event where he is the lone gent in a sea of lasses. While the elevator glides up, things only go down from here. Apparently George was supposed to escort Aviva to the party, but given the Pinot and the 97th floor Aviva couldn't manage.

What floor is Aviva's apartment on? Are we holding court at basement level together? Somehow I doubt it. While Reid can afford $500 worth of vitamins, I can scarcely afford $500 worth of rent. 

Yes, before the man appears the teeth. I'm not sure why George is here, as a women's DV charity event is not a pick-up joint, but alas he is all smiles and saucy comments as Ramona greets him calmly and LuAnn looks concerned. Ramona bee-bops to the front row to cheer on the um… escort service costumes? She's so wildly excited she breaks a wine glass and is reduced to licking the pinot off the floor. Must one do "turtle time" in a penthouse?

No one else is quite as enthused about the fashion show. Rightfully so. Project Runway offers better goods. 

After the show, George and Ramona have a chat. See, George – clearly skewed by being the parent of one-half of the equation – has come with an agenda: to donate money to Ramona's cause and to procure an apology for Meviva. He and Ramona begin a discourse that clearly descends into an argument. 

George states his piece, Ramona quips that she is the one owed an apology and she'll accept Aviva's money once one arrives. George  – there's a time and a place for this sort of talk. And Ramona should not engage. But she does. She loses her cool almost instantly. LuAnn was thisclose to admonishing her to "Take a xanx and calm down" – I could tell. 

The argument with Pinot and George continues until others get involved. Sonja reveals that George will never get that apology because "White trash doesn't apologize." And neither does white wine. 

George is relentless as he pulls a Heather and trails Ramona around the party. At one point he reaches out and it looked to me gently touched her arm. Ramona spazzes. She's had enough. No body likes a buzzkill – and George is being a buzzkill. She asks the security to escort him out. But George has another agenda – he needs to ask Carole out to dinner. 

So while security is trying to pry him away from the alarmed woman in the gold, shiny shirt he is begging her to share a plate of spaghetti with him for an Early Bird special. Carole does him a solid; she escorts him out instead. How's that for a date?

Outside in the hallway, a rattled and clearly unnerved George isn't sure how to handle a "trailer turd" like Ramona. I see persistence and name calling run in the family. Poor Carole – everywhere she turns this episode she's forced to deal with shit. 

What. A. Mess. 

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