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Well last night was another riveting episode of Teresa Giudice's Countdown To Indictment. That's how I've decided to refer to Real Housewives of New Jersey from now on. In light of all the real-real life drama no one cares about this totally and utterly ridiculously shallow family feud which all stemmed from some people's obsessive desire to be famous. "Famous", s'cuse me; quotes are totally necessary. 

So anyway, indictment watch! Woo! Other than that Melissa Gorga is on the scene and she and new jazzy hair-do are showing up Teresa and her um… well, I dunno what you want to call the side-mullet, Star Trek voyager helmet she has plastered onto her head to visit Melissa with what totally looked like STORE BOUGHT cupcakes. I bet they were Shop-Rite and underneath the cupcake wrapper Teresa left a little note that read "payback, bitch!" 

Anyway, Teresa is visiting Melissa so they can sit down and offer each other fake support for their various ventures. Teresa's business is Milania Hair Care and Melissa all like 'Ooooohhh… wow. So special. Let's talk your hair. You need a hairspray intervention. It looks like a cheap Ken Doll's shellacked plastic. Wait – is that the point of Milania Hair Care that Milania is actually doing the hair?' 

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Then Melissa shows Teresa the cover of her new book and she's like do you like it. And Teresa's like 'Welll… ummm… Where's Poison? Isn't this about marriage? And where's me?! Why am I not on the cover of YOUR book. Whaddya tryin' to say I don't have a good marriage. ONE TIME HE CALLED ME THE C-WORD! ONE TIME. But I'm not judging you. Congraaaats!' So that went well.

Melissa is upset about the coincidence of her book coming out at the same time as these rumors of her infidelity. Who put these rumors there, TER-RESA? Melissa awkwardly stares her down while Teresa imagines caressing more hair gel through her Milania Hair Care sponsored weave with forehead comb-over. Is her hair usurping her forehead more lately? 

I was having so much trouble concentrating cause in addition to the hair, what was Teresa wearing? Was it choking her? Did she get a neck lift too. Did Melissa put her in a straight jacket. Why?!

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Jacqueline Laurita has returned to Jersey after her very important "me time" to get a tummy tuck. She wishes she could have gotten her eyes done too. See I thought the eyelashes she was wearing were surgically implanted. Whoops. Whatever the case her kids, particularly Nicholas, really missed her and are happy to see her. Which was endearing. I fully expect her to be posing on a tabloid cover in a bikini next week. So congrats maybe now you'll get over your gym phobia and your spandex anxiety and your ability to see your trainer as something other than a therapist. Good luck.

Do you think the surgeon gave Jacqueline her tattooed skin slab to frame as a memento of her old jiggling stomach? 

Speaking of needing therapy, Richie sucks. And if I were married to him I'd need therapy. He and Kathy Wallpaper are grocery shopping and he's micromanaging her and her business and putting her down and being annoying. At the bakery counter he keeps trying to make Kathy fill out an application to get her cannolis in there and Kathy is trying to shove a cannoli in his mouth to get him to shut up. He's relentless. Relentlessly annoying. 

Kathy tells us she's reinventing how people think about the cannoli. I'm confused because people already think cannoli are AWESOME what is she trying to do to them?! One thing she's not trying to do with them is sell them in the Shop-Rite bakery department, right Teresa?! 

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Being a stay at home mother who let their husband control their relationship sucks Kathy tells us. Later she decides she's so over that ridiculous "test kitchen" and is going to make cannoli in the comfort of her own home. Richie comes home and is miffed she's taken over the kitchen with her good amazing delicious smells again. That bitch! Richie is the only person I know who COMPLAINS that his house smells like baked goods. Isn't that how Yankee Candle made billions?!

It's Melissa's birthday soon and Poison wants to celebrate. He goes out to a cigar bar with Chris Laurita and Richie to have some "girl talk". Poison pops up and says his wife is perfect and doesn't need plastic surgery, but he wouldn't mind making her boobs bigger. That's classy. I wonder if dictating your wife's bra size is included in Love Italian Style? Maybe he can get Melissa boobs for her birthday! 

Then he stabs the table with a knife cause he's tough like that and the Gorgas really, really don't like and value tables. Do they eat on the floor? He had good reason to be so distraught because he was seeking some Love Italian Style advice from his bros and learned something unsettling. Apparently most people's wives put down their iPhones while having sex. But not Melissa, oh – no; she's on twitter while Joe's trying to make her twitter. Guess the job is not getting done by ol' Tarzano

Anyway, yeah that's gross. And just, well, frankly, just sad. And they're trying to sell a "marriage bible".

In other marriage bible news, Poison is doing the spa trip to AZ to celebrate Melissa's birthday and everyone is invited – even Teresa. Ugh. Melissa is less than thrilled, like her mouth fell open and the drink came pouring out all over her bustier, when she finds out she'll be spending her birthday with her mortal enemy. And not only that, they'll have to share camera time! #WorstGiftEver Should've gotten her the boobs, Poison. Bravo would've paid! 

Then Lauren Manzo makes an appearance and guess what?! She's complaining. She doesn't want to marry Vito anymore cause she has like a real important business and that's number 1 in her life. Poor ol' Vito he's no. 2. Ok, well really number like 20. Poor guy. He had a ring, he had a desire, but then Lauren realized she'd never be able to maintain her diet married to the deli – so that relationship is caput, capice? 

Other than that, Caroline Manzo and Albert are still one-step away from a mid-life crisis divorce. If they get a spinoff I'll puke and mark my words there will be no recapping of it. NONE!

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Back to the parts of the show that matter, the entire gang is spending the evening at a hookah bar as a precursor to Melissa's birthday. Jacqueline even hauled her tummy tucked self out of the house for the occasion. A little thing like a giant throat scar isn't going to keep her away from the bar on Bravo's dime! 

The Juicy's show up. And whhhoaaa-ooooaaah Joe's coat! My cousin called him an obese beaver. I wonder if the feds know about that fur doohickey; that luscious Milania Hair Care groomed beast of burden. It made him look like a Teletubby pimp. Ridiculous. 

Poison drops the Arizona bomb that Bravo has forced upon them and Juicy is excited since Arizona is like right next to Vegas. #STRIPPPPERS Like if this were Wal-mart, Vegas would be the next aisle over from the ENTIRE state of AZ. He does know they're big states, right?! Yep, so they're all going. Afterwards everyone does the dollar dance and furiously collects the dollars cause they all need the money! 

Teresa is launching Milania Hair Care, and let me tell you about coincidence. By COINCIDENCE Melissa's ex-friend Jan who happened to spread cheating rumors about her that happened to end up on the cover of In Touch Weekly happens to own a salon. Also owning a salon is Teresa's "friend" Penny Drossos. And Kim D is opening one, so naturally they'll also happen to be at the launch. With Melissa.

Teresa calls up her SIL to let her know the Witches of East Jersey will be there and she can like totally confront them. Melissa is so game. And so is Poison, who tells us if he were a woman they'd be in for a beat down. If he were a woman, he'd have more hair dye options than spray hair. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure he'd be exactly the same. 

On the morning of the event, Kim D and her weave of fake silicone hair strolls over to Teresa's to listen wide-eyed as Teresa tells her she's friends with Melissa again. It was all part of Kim's evil plan so she doesn't bother to look shocked just mildly pissed. Aaahhh… Kim, that bitch is as fake as her weave. 

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No one really cares about that because we interrupt this Terlissa drama for: Moments With Milania. Milania has commandeered Teresa's old bra from pre-bubbie implantation and is running around screaming that she has boobs. See boobs aren't really useful, but bras make great body armor for leaping off imperial curved marble staircases and tackling your sister, banging her head on the travertine floors. Or maybe they're marble but I imagine something in that house has to be made of a different stone – or at least formica?

So it's time for a big grown up evening where Melissa will politely and calmly confront the Teresa Army and Teresa will stand there licking her lips in the act of being supportive. Then they'll both blame each other and Kim D can get away with carrying her dastardly plan in a pleather handbag from the Posche 4 Life line of supportive and useful accessories. 

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At the party Jan (who gives off a whiff of low-rent Jenny McCarthy) "encounters" Melissa first. They go back and forth about how Melissa was hanging out in a parking lot with her ex. Melissa denies it but Jan is insistent that she was Melissa's alibi and covered for her. Apparently Melissa is fake and an Academy Award worthy actress too. The fake part yes… Kim D gloams ominously behind them, playing bicker pong with her eyes. Then Jan is dispatched after being desperate enough to do the producers' bidding. And Penny comes up. 

Penny sidles over and whispers to Teresa "I love your hairline! I love your camera crews even more. Don't worry I rehearsed in the mirror using cue cards!" So this Penny, owns a salon. With that mess of 1980s Loretta Lynn curls all atop her head. Or was that from the Dolly Pardon Wig Collection?

Penny and Melissa have a conversation fraught with unsaid words and double-meanings. Melissa wants to know who is asking about her past. And Teresa keeps interjecting to remind Melissa and the world that she and Penny are NOT friends. No, not like ever. And she never asked about Melissa's past, cause Penny is so like not her friend. Her hairline is too high. 

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Melissa is interrogating Penny about stripper-gate but Teresa has her own agenda: making sure she doesn't get implicated. She stands there, just staring them both down making sure Penny doesn't give annnnything away or its curtains on her Bravo career! Melissa and Poison are wise to her game but seem to be under the impression that Penny and Jan are puppets being manipulated and unable to think for themselves. A likely story…  But, just so you're aware: Penny and Teresa are like NOT friends. Nope. Not at all! And Melissa doesn't believe her one. bit. 

You know the Milania Hair Care episode contained some of the worst hair of the season. Teresa was wearing HAIR TINSEL. Milania really must be the head stylist here. I bet she does a chicken nugget and pizza deep conditioning wrap. And probably a Crayola Highlight. Whatever the case, it's interesting. And donut buns need to go. They're hideous.

[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com] 

TELL US – DID TERESA HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE WITH PENNY?

 

 

 

 

 

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