I have to say I'm excited for Real Housewives of New York. It's been awhile, there's new blood, and interesting shakeups. I reserve the right to hate to my little hater heart's content as the season progresses.
Speaking of new blood: meet Kristen Taekman. Kristen loves Elvis, hates being a mother, possibly hates her husband, is justifiably afraid of Ramonja and is prettttttteeeeeeey! She also seems sort of sensible, straight-shooting, and refreshingly sarcastic. So far I like her and I'm trying not to judge her by the company she keeps (ahem – Brandi Glanville!). I reserve the right to hate to my little hater heart's content as the season progresses.
So let's get on with it. First on the agenda: everybody hates Aviva Drescher. I mean, duh. Apparently Meviva's 6,500 meltdowns last season, coupled with her extreme arrogance and her perverted father (who is probably illegal in at least 40 states) won her more enemies than friends. And no one is even bothering to be her frienemy but Heather Thomson.
Heather is throwing a party to show-off her relevance (i.e. that she used to be a big wig at Bad Boy Industries. Holla!) and all the girls will be there which means it's the first time they're coming face-to-face with Aviva since the reunion. Carole Radziwill gnashes her teeth at the thought.
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On the UES, Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer meet at last – and surprise, ladies who turtle time together stay together. Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Drunker now not only share wine and whining and over-the-hill bikini wearing but the same hair! And the same dated apartment decor – ladies, call Jeff Lewis ASAP!
In between swilling drinks, Sonja is downing shots of men. She has them coming and going all hours of the day, or as Ramona so eloquently put it, "More coming than going." Class 101, Pinot-academy. Sonja says age is just a number so she's dating an intern or twelve (I swear that's probably part of the job requirement) and she's also making room in her schedule to for Aviva's ex-husband the formidable Harry Dubin. Sonja certainly has a taste for hostessing – so long as it doesn't require any proper party planning!
On the night of Heather's party everyone circles like sharks waiting for Aviva's perfectly timed tardy entrance and then they all scramble, shell-shocked. No one wants to poke the bear, so Aviva pokes first. "Image consultant" in tow. She air kisses, and hugs, and compliments as if nothing tawdry ever happened. As if the words "white trash" never left her lips. Luckily new girl Kristen is there as a distraction and also Sonja's new beau Ben, who is literally half her age.
Kristen mills around the party being pretty and new-girl nice, even deftly dealing with Ramonja mauling her about what a terrible human being Aviva is. And lucky Sonja takes the first stab at dealing with Aviva. Aviva is on her best behavior – she's trying to get off on the right foot this season. Even though we know she'll end up legless. Unfortunately even when Aviva tries she gets it wrong, case in point telling Sonja it's OK if she boffs Harry while Sonja's man-child Ben is inches away. Then she sidles over to Carole and begs her for help on the new book she's writing without so much as a hello.
Then she tackles Ramona, literally. Aviva suggests they start fresh, offers a hug, says since Ramona "has a few years" on her she needs her advice. Ramona in turn calls her vicious and flicks her away like a bug. Aviva hopes they can be friends and embrace their differences. Even Ramona was weirded out by the crazy. But Sonja, lust-crazy and gooey-eyed over a prospect of Harry whisking her away from the down-trodden townhouse with leaks and moth-gnarled rugs, wants to give her another chance: she's had a hard life, she could be sincere, she's trying.
While Ramona is blessedly getting an interior design consult, Aviva calls her. Ramona's face! I'm really shocked it can move that much with all the injections and tru-renewal-ing. She's gonna need an emergency touch-up! I'm certain she pulled a muscle. Aviva wants to meet for a drink. "Bring the Pinot!" she trills, reaching Ramona's sweetspot. Ramona says she'll think about it.
Pinot heads over to Sonja's for a teaparty calamity. Sonja is still dealing with her reduced circumstances by hiring interns to replace housestaff. She's totally turning into Miss Havisham with that dusty old house. Except Sonja's interns are inept, probably because they're unpaid!
When everyone arrives the house is a mess, Sonja's not ready, the champagne isn't opened, and no one is manning the door. Kristen stands there timidly, waiting to get in, afraid and pushing the button - wondering if she's gonna get mugged in the bad end of the UES. Someone might steal her Chanel! She clutches her giant plastic statement link necklace and the fear waffles through her eyes. Should she leave? What's a nice girl from CT to do? Luckily Sonja snatches up her 1987 intercom-phone and dispatches an intern who was getting a champagne popping lesson from the maestro, Ramona!
Over tea, Sonja's dog gets on the table and eats the food, Ramona discovers the rug is ripped to shreds near the dining table, and Sonja forgot plates (at least she had on underwear, I presume!). She also invited a batty old lady who was some sort of energy healer and called Ramona "Netty". Or maybe she was calling the negative energy "Netty" but no one bothered to tell her its name is Aviva.
Ramona asks for advice on her Aviva situation and Sonja is adamant she should meet her for a drink. They argue about the usage and pronunciation of "myopic" and proceed to diagnose Aviva's crazy. Which was amazing. And awesome. And the best 10 minutes of that show. According to pinotology Aviva is a whackjob. And she's not to be trusted. But she's dealing with latent issues related to that horrible father of hers. He is horrible, I concur.
Sonja and Pinot erupt into some sort of absurd argument about Aviva that included a lot of squawking and pointed jabs and shoulder shrugs and sighs. I was confused, but in the end Kristen, the crazy Netty channeler, and Sonja convinced Ramona to give Meviva a chance. "Focus on connecting with her soul, not her personality," crazy Netty-er suggested. It made sense to Ramona.
It made Kristen realize she was really, really afraid. She had just entered Rocky Horror Picture Show as reproduced by Grey Gardens. She fumbled her way to the exit, nearly choking on the fumes of too-sweet Designer Imposters perfume and dog pee. She almost knocked over Millou's ashes in the process. I think we call that "baptism by fire" Kristen!
Then Kristen went on a date with her husband and took out all her frustration on him for being late and leaving the price tag on the earrings he gave her. And look – Pinoja rattles ones nerves, but Kristen better keep it in check with her man or she'll end up like Sonja someday!
"Did you know… 1 in 15 people are psychotic," Sonja had said earlier in the episode, looking directly at Pinot. Oh… so that's what makes Pinot and Aviva a match made in heaven!
Finally, Ramona met up with Aviva who spent the first 15 minutes gushing compliments at Ramona about how good she looks. Then she agreed to take a tequila shot with her and have some wine. It got her loosened up, so she apologized. Ramona didn't necessarily believe her but she likes getting her ego stroked so she went along with it and got in a jab about how Aviva is a witch. Keep drinkin' with Ramona, Aviva, and you'll be sinking to her "white trash" level. Witches unite!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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